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Old 05-10-2015, 04:31 AM
 
Location: Mount Monadnock, NH
752 posts, read 1,486,582 times
Reputation: 788

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I have a long time friend who I have known since grade school--so about thirty years---who I still care about deeply, though it recent years I have just not been in the mood as much to see or even talk to him so frequently. We now live about 80 miles apart and generally speaking, I go to him or meet him more than half way when we do meet up for lunch, etc. (usually a weekend).....however, in the last few years there just has been less and less to talk about....our lives have gone in two drastically different directions in the last ten years (so, since graduation from college for both of us).

My friend never left home. He attended college, but commuted. After high school, I immediately picked up and went West for six months, then came back to Boston and started college, lived in campus for the first year and a half, then I had an apartment for the remainder of school.
My friend has never really dated anyone, nor does he feel comfortable talking about the subject in much detail (this I found only once we were in college). He was diagnoses with a mild form of autism when we were in junior high, though he is considered high-functioning otherwise. He has also never really had any other friends besides me.

However, I find we are just drifting apart more and more, especially since I have moved back to the area once again...after living in the South for several years. We always kept in touch in that time, and he even visited me down there once (he rarely traveled,and never outside New England until then). We would talk on the phone once, twice a week, every week for those several years anyway...I would see him when I visited home a number of times a year as well.

I feel SO guilty in wanting more space now...especially given the reasons: there is just less and less we have in common now. I have a life so different than his. Its almost like I grew up and he never did so much. ( that is, I have dated, married, divorced, bought a house twice, etc etc...). The last ten years have shown massive change for me, but virtually none for him...in fact, hes till has the same car he did ten years ago. He calls me almost every other day still, despite the fact my life no longer allows me to see him even weekly anymore. He just does not seem to 'get it'. I need to be in a certain mood to see him, or even talk to him sometimes...I feel bad saying this....but, is it wrong to put space between us, yet expect the friendship to continue? I feel a bit selfish I guess, given I am really his only friend other than family.

I still feel very concerned for him, yet I just need my space after so long.
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Old 05-10-2015, 07:00 AM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
30,372 posts, read 16,098,904 times
Reputation: 44171
Tough call.

I guess one idea might be to do something together besides eat and talk on the phone. Go to a museum together, movie, take a class, whatever.


But it sounds like at this point the friendship is based on history and a feeling of obligation on your part. My opinion: friendship should be based on enjoying each other's company, and having at least a few interests in common.

I think you have to decide if you can or want to try to -well-get back together for want of a better way to put it, or just let it just fade away.
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Old 05-10-2015, 09:40 AM
 
2,508 posts, read 2,167,921 times
Reputation: 5426
OP, I understand completely what you're going through. I have also had friends that I've drifted apart with over the years, without it being anybody's fault.

It seems that sometimes the only things we have in common with some people we used to know is the past.
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Old 05-10-2015, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Land of Confusion
51 posts, read 73,829 times
Reputation: 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Austin023 View Post
I have a long time friend who I have known since grade school--so about thirty years---who I still care about deeply, though it recent years I have just not been in the mood as much to see or even talk to him so frequently. We now live about 80 miles apart and generally speaking, I go to him or meet him more than half way when we do meet up for lunch, etc. (usually a weekend).....however, in the last few years there just has been less and less to talk about....our lives have gone in two drastically different directions in the last ten years (so, since graduation from college for both of us).

My friend never left home. He attended college, but commuted. After high school, I immediately picked up and went West for six months, then came back to Boston and started college, lived in campus for the first year and a half, then I had an apartment for the remainder of school.
My friend has never really dated anyone, nor does he feel comfortable talking about the subject in much detail (this I found only once we were in college). He was diagnoses with a mild form of autism when we were in junior high, though he is considered high-functioning otherwise. He has also never really had any other friends besides me.

However, I find we are just drifting apart more and more, especially since I have moved back to the area once again...after living in the South for several years. We always kept in touch in that time, and he even visited me down there once (he rarely traveled,and never outside New England until then). We would talk on the phone once, twice a week, every week for those several years anyway...I would see him when I visited home a number of times a year as well.

I feel SO guilty in wanting more space now...especially given the reasons: there is just less and less we have in common now. I have a life so different than his. Its almost like I grew up and he never did so much. ( that is, I have dated, married, divorced, bought a house twice, etc etc...). The last ten years have shown massive change for me, but virtually none for him...in fact, hes till has the same car he did ten years ago. He calls me almost every other day still, despite the fact my life no longer allows me to see him even weekly anymore. He just does not seem to 'get it'. I need to be in a certain mood to see him, or even talk to him sometimes...I feel bad saying this....but, is it wrong to put space between us, yet expect the friendship to continue? I feel a bit selfish I guess, given I am really his only friend other than family.

I still feel very concerned for him, yet I just need my space after so long.

There's absolutely no reason to feel guilty or force yourself to stay in regular contact with him. What I learned over the years is that life happens and as you get well into adulthood, friends are not the center of attention any longer. They're nice to have, but they're low on the ladder of importance. It might sound cold but it's true. Your children come before your friends. Your spouse or relationship comes before your friends. Your parents come before your friends. Your job, paying your bills, taking care of your home, taking care of yourself, and even your pets come before your friends. We're not teenagers that the sun rises and sets with friendships. Obligations and responsibilities are not to friends but to the things I mentioned. So don't feel guilty. People drift apart every day. It's necessary for growth. And it actually might be healthy for him as well. It may cause him to re-evaluate his lifestyle and make some positive changes.
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Old 05-10-2015, 11:05 AM
 
Location: Mount Monadnock, NH
752 posts, read 1,486,582 times
Reputation: 788
Quote:
Originally Posted by PAhippo View Post
Tough call.

I guess one idea might be to do something together besides eat and talk on the phone. Go to a museum together, movie, take a class, whatever.


But it sounds like at this point the friendship is based on history and a feeling of obligation on your part. My opinion: friendship should be based on enjoying each other's company, and having at least a few interests in common.

I think you have to decide if you can or want to try to -well-get back together for want of a better way to put it, or just let it just fade away.
Thanks for the reply--we used to do a lot of these things (in the bold) and I do try to sometimes still, though on his part there seems to be a lack of interest sometimes---or he wants to do something that requires a good deal of time (that we did not plan to do ahead) and more times than not I am not able to do due to other obligations in my life now.

When we were younger, it was really not a problem for me to change plans immediately and go off somewhere for more of the day than intended. He still thinks that way and I just usually can't due to how my life is now. I have explained it more times to him than I can possibly recall (and I of course explain it gently, yet matter of fact)... but, the next time I see him, it is like he never heard my concerns about it at all.
But, we do go to various places around Boston other than food..especially the bookstores, parks in good weather, we both are interested in historical sites and architecture (I am more though I think)...so there are still some things in common....
However....and this is where I see the most drastic changes....say I am having a bad week...something at work is stressing me, or another friend of mine has some problems (ie one has cancer right now, stage four)...my friend just can't seem to empathize with it. As I have grown older, these more well, adult problems, just seem to go over his head, so to speak....he just can;t seem to understand them. So it leaves this emptiness of sorts in our now 30-year old friendship....in fact (and this really unnerved me), we had our 30th "anniversary" back in April---we even know the date we first met each other, April 16th, 1985. He expressed zero thoughts on it to me, when I reminded him....just went back to talking about what we had before.
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Old 05-10-2015, 11:22 AM
 
2,508 posts, read 2,167,921 times
Reputation: 5426
Quote:
Originally Posted by FireKitty View Post
There's absolutely no reason to feel guilty or force yourself to stay in regular contact with him. What I learned over the years is that life happens and as you get well into adulthood, friends are not the center of attention any longer. They're nice to have, but they're low on the ladder of importance. It might sound cold but it's true. Your children come before your friends. Your spouse or relationship comes before your friends. Your parents come before your friends. Your job, paying your bills, taking care of your home, taking care of yourself, and even your pets come before your friends. We're not teenagers that the sun rises and sets with friendships. Obligations and responsibilities are not to friends but to the things I mentioned. So don't feel guilty. People drift apart every day. It's necessary for growth. And it actually might be healthy for him as well. It may cause him to re-evaluate his lifestyle and make some positive changes.
Agree with all of this. I find that as I've gotten older, my family, job, & house responsibilities definitely take priority over anything else.

Actually, just having a full-time job is extremely time consuming - I typically find that after a hard day @ work & a long commute (both ways), I'm typically not in the mood for socializing.
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Old 05-10-2015, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Mount Monadnock, NH
752 posts, read 1,486,582 times
Reputation: 788
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Big Lebowski Dude View Post
Agree with all of this. I find that as I've gotten older, my family, job, & house responsibilities definitely take priority over anything else.

Actually, just having a full-time job is extremely time consuming - I typically find that after a hard day @ work & a long commute (both ways), I'm typically not in the mood for socializing.
And I too have found myself with the same thing---and I think that is the root of my and my old friend's division. He has never really done the things which constitute an 'adult life', other than full-time employment for a few years after graduation from college; he has never had a successful interview for a job in the field he majored in (which was business management). He works only part time now, for various temps doing mostly filing. He has no rent, bills, or other payments to make now other than remaining student loans. The reasons why he changed to part time employment are unclear to me and he has never talked about it in any detail. I prefer to let that he his own private business.


He has never lived away from home, not even for college, never really dated anyone, or done so many of the things we tend to do as we get into our twenties and thirties. So, there are many things in my life he just does not understand because he has never experienced them.

I find we just do not understand each-other as much as we used to. But, I still do place friendships on higher on my priority list, though their importance in my life has changed a bit of course. I could never see myself as friendless.

Last edited by Austin023; 05-10-2015 at 11:59 AM..
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Old 05-11-2015, 12:10 AM
 
Location: quiet place
282 posts, read 296,722 times
Reputation: 120
well, I am not of the same culture you got but some people fell to despair even with their most close friend . in good faith when you interact with that , it is better to feel or act like someone who gives without waiting for reward , take care as a mother or big sister and I think this type of ignoring and concealing your romantic is hard but might be attractive for a personality as prescribed above.
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Old 05-11-2015, 12:35 AM
 
3,393 posts, read 5,267,047 times
Reputation: 3031
Quote:
Originally Posted by Austin023 View Post
I have a long time friend who I have known since grade school--so about thirty years---who I still care about deeply, though it recent years I have just not been in the mood as much to see or even talk to him so frequently. We now live about 80 miles apart and generally speaking, I go to him or meet him more than half way when we do meet up for lunch, etc. (usually a weekend).....however, in the last few years there just has been less and less to talk about....our lives have gone in two drastically different directions in the last ten years (so, since graduation from college for both of us).

My friend never left home. He attended college, but commuted. After high school, I immediately picked up and went West for six months, then came back to Boston and started college, lived in campus for the first year and a half, then I had an apartment for the remainder of school.
My friend has never really dated anyone, nor does he feel comfortable talking about the subject in much detail (this I found only once we were in college). He was diagnoses with a mild form of autism when we were in junior high, though he is considered high-functioning otherwise. He has also never really had any other friends besides me.

However, I find we are just drifting apart more and more, especially since I have moved back to the area once again...after living in the South for several years. We always kept in touch in that time, and he even visited me down there once (he rarely traveled,and never outside New England until then). We would talk on the phone once, twice a week, every week for those several years anyway...I would see him when I visited home a number of times a year as well.

I feel SO guilty in wanting more space now...especially given the reasons: there is just less and less we have in common now. I have a life so different than his. Its almost like I grew up and he never did so much. ( that is, I have dated, married, divorced, bought a house twice, etc etc...). The last ten years have shown massive change for me, but virtually none for him...in fact, hes till has the same car he did ten years ago. He calls me almost every other day still, despite the fact my life no longer allows me to see him even weekly anymore. He just does not seem to 'get it'. I need to be in a certain mood to see him, or even talk to him sometimes...I feel bad saying this....but, is it wrong to put space between us, yet expect the friendship to continue? I feel a bit selfish I guess, given I am really his only friend other than family.

I still feel very concerned for him, yet I just need my space after so long.
To be honest, you guys/girls sound like more than friends. I mean, I like my bros but, not that much lol. I would never call them everyday or anything of that sort. Yours is a strange friendship. I'm actually stumped.
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