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Possibly your proposed act of "unfriending" this man would be something fairly dramatic or to the point that he might actually notice? I assume that you realize that if you just never called, texted, emailed, snail mailed this man again or failed to respond to same from him that he might not realize that you were missing in action and probably not care too much if he did notice?
In my book you've been gone for years. If you choose to carry on as you have been, it's your choice, but realize that it will continue to be a one sided comet orbit into and out of this man's life, in at points where he gathers people to congratulate, but out for pretty much everything else. You are hurt and I understand this by his failure to respond in a human way to your big life events.
Choose:Cut him loose by failing to contact him further or accept his terms. Frankly there is more dignity in the former.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcydarby
I wouldn't spend any more time pondering this.
I've done that for multi-year periods in the past after he mis-handled communications. I fully expect that when I get a new job he'll suddenly re-appear.
There are some true gems of advice in this thread. I have a friend who has been in and out of my life over the years. And just like you, I suspect I gave the older friendship a lot more thought than my old friend has with me.
I think you should just let this friendship die by not reciprocating contact, in time things may be forgotten ...
Don't unfriend him on social media, just keep your contact more distant than you are used to doing whether it is "liking" his posts or leaving comments on Facebook or emails, whatever it may be via social media / the Internet. This friendship may have run its course but it's hard to say, we do change as we age and go through different stages of life.
Overall, I think you do want to leave the door open for the future, but that's my guess. Only you really know yourself.
I started this as a new thread since the thread on which it is based relates to Facebook and similar unfriending. This relates to a real world situation spanning almost 43 years.
I became friends with an individual, "Jim" back in high school, when we were 15, in fall 1972, ironically after a sharp exchange concerning my (then) relative lack of Jewish identity. His views and certain life events, especially the death of my father as 1973 opened changed that. He was not present at my father's funeral nor invited to the "Shiva" since at that time we were not close friends. I also doubted he would have much respect for my other friends, all far less intelligent than he. After my father's Shiva and returning from a summer trip I made a conscious decision to "change over" my group of friends since they were, frankly, of relatively low intelligence and maturity.
At the end of August 1973, on a 99 degree day we got together at each others houses, taking the 6 mile bike ride between. Since I had been, up until the preceding year, 10th grade, relatively unpopular and since he was the inquiring, intelligent sort I went over pretty much of my school and family history. That fall I asked directly for advice in gaining more friends of the relatively sophisticated, extremely intelligent and fairly mature group of which he was a member. I could tell implicitly he could be trusted.
Fast forward to college years. He went on to Yale, I to Cornell. Let's just say the start was rocky. Pre-med didn't work out too well. He actually made a short jaunt from New Haven to Ithaca to help. That spring unfortunately things went downhill. A bad reaction to cough medicine caused a sharp depression. The resulting suicidal thoughts did unnerve him and others. He was not the only one who cut off communications. Those did resume, at a high level of calls that made him and his family uncomfortable. Essentially my fault this time.
We fell in and out of touch a few times. Surprisingly though he did invite me to his 1987 wedding. We fell out of touch and I in fact couldn't reach him to invite him to my 1991 wedding. Nevertheless he and his wife took us out for dinner at the end of 1991. We talked little until my first son was born. He came to the "bris" and then we again promptly fell out of touch until 2003, when he invited my wife and I to his daughter's "Bat Mitzvah." From this point there was little oral or in person contact but brief e-mails kept us in touch.
Surprisingly he continued to treat me as a very close friend. I was the only one from our town at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. In 2006 I was invited to his stepdaughter's wedding (his wife's second marriage). Totally unexpected.
In 2008 out of nowhere I heard from him on the occasion of his father's death. Again I was the only one asked to come to the "Shiva." He was quite open that I was one of the few that had significant dealings with his father, who was also frighteningly intelligent. Our next meeting was an impromptu brunch with our wives at the beginning of 2010. I had him to my wife's 50th birthday party at the end of 2010. He made short work of one of my wife's friends in a political argument.
After that we got together for an occasional lunch, about once or twice a year. The lunches were fine but the few phone calls have become increasingly unwelcome from his end. Nevertheless, his wife invited us to his 55th surprise party in 2012, and he invited us to his daughter's recent wedding.
What brings to mind an "unfriending" is the fact that my phone calls (about four or less in the past year) have become quite obviously unwelcome. He denies it but most of them have been virtual "hangups."
Question is, do I terminate the relationship or just let it end?
So basically, you have a normal friendship apart from the fact that in your head your phone calls are unwanted.....
So basically, you have a normal friendship apart from the fact that in your head your phone calls are unwanted.....
right...
Could possibly be. But 36 minutes is a long train ride to have lunch (wanted on his part) with someone who has a sudden habit of disconnecting phone calls. And at a dinner was very rude to one of my wife's friends, indeed someone who helped by wife and I meet.
I'd let that "friendship" wither on the vine and dry up.
Despite his intelligence, he sounds arrogant. judgmental, and lacking in class. Quite frankly, I suspect he views himself superior to you and certainly doesn't sound like anyone I would even bother trying to keep in my life.
I started this as a new thread since the thread on which it is based relates to Facebook and similar unfriending. This relates to a real world situation spanning almost 43 years.
I became friends with an individual, "Jim" back in high school, when we were 15, in fall 1972, ironically after a sharp exchange concerning my (then) relative lack of Jewish identity. His views and certain life events, especially the death of my father as 1973 opened changed that. He was not present at my father's funeral nor invited to the "Shiva" since at that time we were not close friends. I also doubted he would have much respect for my other friends, all far less intelligent than he. After my father's Shiva and returning from a summer trip I made a conscious decision to "change over" my group of friends since they were, frankly, of relatively low intelligence and maturity.
At the end of August 1973, on a 99 degree day we got together at each others houses, taking the 6 mile bike ride between. Since I had been, up until the preceding year, 10th grade, relatively unpopular and since he was the inquiring, intelligent sort I went over pretty much of my school and family history. That fall I asked directly for advice in gaining more friends of the relatively sophisticated, extremely intelligent and fairly mature group of which he was a member. I could tell implicitly he could be trusted.
Fast forward to college years. He went on to Yale, I to Cornell. Let's just say the start was rocky. Pre-med didn't work out too well. He actually made a short jaunt from New Haven to Ithaca to help. That spring unfortunately things went downhill. A bad reaction to cough medicine caused a sharp depression. The resulting suicidal thoughts did unnerve him and others. He was not the only one who cut off communications. Those did resume, at a high level of calls that made him and his family uncomfortable. Essentially my fault this time.
We fell in and out of touch a few times. Surprisingly though he did invite me to his 1987 wedding. We fell out of touch and I in fact couldn't reach him to invite him to my 1991 wedding. Nevertheless he and his wife took us out for dinner at the end of 1991. We talked little until my first son was born. He came to the "bris" and then we again promptly fell out of touch until 2003, when he invited my wife and I to his daughter's "Bat Mitzvah." From this point there was little oral or in person contact but brief e-mails kept us in touch.
Surprisingly he continued to treat me as a very close friend. I was the only one from our town at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. In 2006 I was invited to his stepdaughter's wedding (his wife's second marriage). Totally unexpected.
In 2008 out of nowhere I heard from him on the occasion of his father's death. Again I was the only one asked to come to the "Shiva." He was quite open that I was one of the few that had significant dealings with his father, who was also frighteningly intelligent. Our next meeting was an impromptu brunch with our wives at the beginning of 2010. I had him to my wife's 50th birthday party at the end of 2010. He made short work of one of my wife's friends in a political argument.
After that we got together for an occasional lunch, about once or twice a year. The lunches were fine but the few phone calls have become increasingly unwelcome from his end. Nevertheless, his wife invited us to his 55th surprise party in 2012, and he invited us to his daughter's recent wedding.
What brings to mind an "unfriending" is the fact that my phone calls (about four or less in the past year) have become quite obviously unwelcome. He denies it but most of them have been virtual "hangups."
Question is, do I terminate the relationship or just let it end?
You kniw what, it might be best. I'm about to do the same thing over what happened to my girlfriend last week, and the b/s that happened today- which is the child of things that has happened over a few months.
OP, what is your question exactly? What do you mean by "unfriend"? Are we talking you're going to write him an email to break off the friendship? Unfriend on facebook?
OP, what is your question exactly? What do you mean by "unfriend"? Are we talking you're going to write him an email to break off the friendship? Unfriend on facebook?
Actually, give him a call and when he again says "not a good time to call" or "I'm hungry and tired and can't talk" (the last two calls) tell him "it's been a good 43 years knowing you. Good luck and enjoy."
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