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I think you know that would be immature, vindictive and just plain dumb.
Why? He wouldn't expect it. He sees himself sitting on top of the world these days, with personal trainers at his beck and call. He would not expect that an arbitrary exercise in arrogance would end a friendship he treasures. When I asked him, the last time we had lunch about whether he feels "sorry for me" (based on his picking up lunch check against my wishes to split the check) he said he's "proud to have me as a friend" and he proceeded to invite me to his daughter's wedding.
I think he gets a power trip from hanging up people's calls and I don't enjoy it.
Because that's not how you handle this sort of situation. Just because it would give you a fleeting sense of satisfaction doesn't mean it's ok.
What you've described as his behavior is rude, yes. But an eye for an eye and the whole world will go blind. Care less. I know it's hard sometimes, but the option you're considering makes you look childish.
I say let it run it's course. "Unfriending"....whether it's online or irl is just not a good idea. Feelings get hurt and those feelings can last a lifetime. If you lose touch then you can chalk that up to just the way life is but totally cutting someone loose is difficult no matter how you slice it and just causes problems. It's easy to want to just "cut them off" when you have hurt feelings but imagine how he is going to feel if you really do that. I'm not saying that there aren't times when you have to totally sever ties because of ill treatment or abuse but I don't think this is one of those times.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderwall
Because that's not how you handle this sort of situation. Just because it would give you a fleeting sense of satisfaction doesn't mean it's ok.
What you've described as his behavior is rude, yes. But an eye for an eye and the whole world will go blind. Care less. I know it's hard sometimes, but the option you're considering makes you look childish.
In hindsight, that was good advice on both your parts. I was at his 60th birthday party on June 27, 2017 and we had lunch this past December 29. At the latter occasion, I asked as we were winding down: "This is a more difficult question but it is difficult to remain friends when only getting together two or three times for rushed lunches. I would want to be able to resume calling every now and then as before, maybe four to six weeks apart, especially since your office moved and getting in lunch is harder." He said, "of course."
I haven't taken him up on it and I don't know if I plan to.
In hindsight, that was good advice on both your parts. I was at his 60th birthday party on June 27, 2017 and we had lunch this past December 29. At the latter occasion, I asked as we were winding down: "This is a more difficult question but it is difficult to remain friends when only getting together two or three times for rushed lunches. I would want to be able to resume calling every now and then as before, maybe four to six weeks apart, especially since your office moved and getting in lunch is harder." He said, "of course."
I haven't taken him up on it and I don't know if I plan to.
Well, I guess my first question is who initiated the contact? Did he invite you to his party (of course he did) but was it only after you called him? It makes a difference who started the initial contact and whether or not he acted like it was an obligation or he really wanted to be there. I know it's hard to tell sometimes but body language says it all. Averting the eyes, looking at a watch or phone, fidgeting....there are ways to tell.
If you feel like you want to still be friends regardless of his rudeness and seemingly aloof attitude that is totally your choice but it's not good for YOU. We have to tell ourselves we deserve better and be done. It's so hard after such a long time being friends but what you are describing is pretty typical for someone like him who has done well - paranoia sets in and they put everyone they used to know on notice, sort of.
I have a friend who has a high IQ but he is a hermit and a hoarder and doesn't see a thing wrong with that. What a waste, but he will whip out that IQ card every chance he gets. Actually I have two friends like that. Smart as hell but no common sense. I, on the other hand, have an equal amount of both.
It's completely in your hands I just don't like to see people get hurt whether I know them personally or not. Take care and according to your last lines of the post you know exactly what to do.
Because that's not how you handle this sort of situation. Just because it would give you a fleeting sense of satisfaction doesn't mean it's ok.
What you've described as his behavior is rude, yes. But an eye for an eye and the whole world will go blind. Care less. I know it's hard sometimes, but the option you're considering makes you look childish.
I agree totally. So drama queen-y! The easiest response would be "OK" and simply not call him again. Point made with no fuss.
But OP, while friendship doesn't have to be exactly 50-50 and can't be all the time, it's like you are setting a protocol where it will be you calling him every four to six weeks. He said "of course" that would be all right (and really, if he had said he couldn't accept a phone call from you 12 or less times a year, then how could it even be considered a friendship?) but gave no indication he would ever be initiating contact with you. This may sound acceptable to you now, but it eventually will get old. I was okay being the initiator in most of my "friendships" for a long time...until I wasn't. I actually took pride in it---that I was such a good, caring person with so much energy that I could do most of the work in the relationships. I'm not sure exactly why I couldn't do it any more after years of eagerly putting forth all the effort. I think through meditation I learned to be honest with myself and mindful of reality. I couldn't consider it a friendship when I put in all the effort and when I stopped I never heard from them again. You can do volunteer work to help other people, but it's not a friendship when you put forth and get nothing or so much less back.
I have great friends that I rarely call. We get together whenever we are in the same city, and occasionally speak via telephone, but that's about it. I wouldn't think about unfriending them for infrequent phone conversations!
Well, I guess my first question is who initiated the contact? Did he invite you to his party (of course he did) but was it only after you called him? It makes a difference who started the initial contact and whether or not he acted like it was an obligation or he really wanted to be there. I know it's hard to tell sometimes but body language says it all. Averting the eyes, looking at a watch or phone, fidgeting....there are ways to tell.
Actually I had NOT called him anywhere near the time of th 59th or 60th bdays. Ditto the November 2015 concert invite, which came as an utter shock after the way he handled his daughter's wedding. What happened there was I sent him and his wife an email about a neighborhood event in New York City which I did not expect to be able to attend. His wife shot back an email telling me to "enjoy the concert." I replies "what concert"? His invites always tend to come out of thin air. And sometimes with a "no gifts" request. I must be on some sort of list since I was invited by his wife to his 55th birthday, which was a surprise party.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northsouth
If you feel like you want to still be friends regardless of his rudeness and seemingly aloof attitude that is totally your choice but it's not good for YOU. We have to tell ourselves we deserve better and be done. It's so hard after such a long time being friends but what you are describing is pretty typical for someone like him who has done well - paranoia sets in and they put everyone they used to know on notice, sort of.
I think he definitely wants the world on notice; in hindsight the first time I met him in November 1972 that was what he wanted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northsouth
I have a friend who has a high IQ but he is a hermit and a hoarder and doesn't see a thing wrong with that. What a waste, but he will whip out that IQ card every chance he gets. Actually I have two friends like that. Smart as hell but no common sense. I, on the other hand, have an equal amount of both.
He actually has both a high IQ and more than a modicum of common sense. He says he needs me as a friend to provide the balance of common sense that I have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northsouth
It's completely in your hands I just don't like to see people get hurt whether I know them personally or not. Take care and according to your last lines of the post you know exactly what to do.
The "thin air" invites will come regardless.
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