Why do Wife's and MIL's conflict? (spouse, female, male, children)
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There seems to be a pattern why do so many MILS and Wife's not get along or do you see it as most do get along and only a few don't?
I think it's a cliche. And it really depends on the culture. Where women are extremely devalued, at least traditionally, relations between MIL's and daughters-in-law are the worst. Think: China, and India. In the West, it's hit-and-miss, but I think most get along fine.
In-law relations can be very dicey, because you've got these two women who might otherwise never have been friends, are now expected to get along. There's competition for who remains #1 in the son/husband's heart, as well as the coveted spot of Favorite Grandma (assuming there is another grandma in the picture); egos get in the way and pandemonium happens.
My mil... we're not close and we never will be, but there is no fighting between us either. We've both got quirks (her Asperger's, my being an introvert with mommy issues), and in her family it is pretty much expected that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law should be at war, but I made it clear from the get go that I don't do drama. She only stepped into me twice, and I think she was so shocked by my reaction that she has been on her best behavior around me ever since.
The peace between us has taken considerable effort, and I can only credit it to both of knowing our place, and neither one of us trying to compete for my husband's affection, which is made easier because he and his mother aren't particularly close. I make an effort to ask her opinions on kid-related things (whether needed or not) to make her feel involved and needed. But most importantly: anytime the topics of religion or politics come up, I go find something else to do; my in-laws are ultra-conservative christian fundamentalists, and no good will come of me opening up my godless liberal mouth, so I let them debate amongst themselves. Plus, my father-in-law is one of my favorite people on earth, so I don't want to fight with him over that sort of thing.
Oh, and most importantly: we do not and WILL not ever live under the same roof. Or even the same zip code.
Last edited by Ginge McFantaPants; 05-17-2015 at 08:00 AM..
I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where I don't like my in laws or vice versa. Life is so much better when folks can get along. My better half often jokes that she feels left out because me and her mother just chat it up when we are together. I LOVE my in law side, I adore them. My better half feels the same way about my side of her inherited family.
I was in a relationship with a terrible father-in-law type who didn't like ANYone - beyond that, he was abusive and sociopathic, and his problems affected everyone's lives. FTR, the mother-in-law type in that relationship was awesome and was divorced from the crazy guy and remarried - she was as devastated as I was when my relationship with her son ended, truly griefstricken...so that's another instance of a good relationship with a partner's mother.
Coming from a stable family of warm people was a major bit of criteria for me when I was dating and met my now-husband. I grew up with a very warm, loving, and embracing family, and after suffering for years with an "in-law" family with major problems and experiencing the fallout of how deeply it affected my SO and my relationship, I found I was no longer willing to tolerate such dysfunction. Life is AMAZING with in-laws where there is genuine warmth, respect, good will, and love. I have an in-law family I am thrilled to introduce a child into, and that would absolutely never in a million years have been the case in my prior relationship.
In my case, my husband felt I was usurping his position in his family and purposely placed himself between me and his parents. He treated me like a little sister instead of a wife. He always gave their needs priority over mine. If my husband and I disagreed, he ran to his parents to get support and only told them his side of things. I thought it was their fault initially. He was frequently the conversational go-between and tried to tell everyone what they wanted to hear instead of the truth. Once I figured this out and just started talking to his parents on my own, we became quite close.
When we divorced, they tried to take his side and be supportive to him, but once they realized I was going to go to great lengths to maintain their relationship with my kids, they softened a bit. plus they figured out he had cheated on me and that did not sit well with them. I don't love everything about them (we also disagree politically) but I miss them being in my life.
I would not worry so much about the rest of the world. What difference does it make to you if a majority of people do or do not get along with inlaws? Your family is the only one that matters to you.
Mothers are very protective, almost possessive, of their sons. Mothers and sons have a very special bond. We spend years being the most important woman in our son's life, so when a new PERMANENT one comes along it's a very difficult thing to accept. We (not me as my oldest son is only almost 17) tend to take that out on the new woman in our son's life. That won't be me. I'm very close with my boys. I won't risk losing that.
I hate to be the one to say it, but in English 's is not the way to make a word plural.
Not sure which post you're referring to, but I was not pluralizing anything. Had I pluralized "son," I would have also had to pluralize "life" because, as you know, each son would have his own separate life.
Not sure which post you're referring to, but I was not pluralizing anything. Had I pluralized "son," I would have also had to pluralize "life" because, as you know, each son would have his own separate life.
I think the reasons there can be tensions between MILS and DILs are numerous and varied. I think it is just difficult blending two families in general and that's what happens when a couple gets married.
I have never had a fight with my MIL, but I don't really love my in-laws. They are just incredibly different from my family. They aren't warm people and everything seems to be at arm's length. I don't feel embraced by them emotionally, but logically I know they have as much warmth toward me as they do toward anyone. It just feels very foreign to me and I don't like it.
I also know that there are many men who are close with their mothers. No one is taught how to transition from putting mom first to their wife first. That can be a rough transition for everyone. If there are control issues on either side things are going to be tough.
And then there are situations with toxic people. Some wives are toxic, some husbands are, some parents/in-laws are. Relationships are always challenging with a toxic person, yet many people get involved with them anyway.
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