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I joined a group of 60 adults (most between age 28-40) and I sort of felt that it was a wrong fit for me from the beginning based on the expectations that I had going in. It was the wrong group to join and I knew that I probably would not be seeing or talking to them much if any afterwards so I didn't invest much time getting to know them and tried to focus on other groups. I know that I probably should've made more effort in the beginning and I did try to hang out a couple of times early on with my assigned group but it just wasn't fun and wasn't the right fit with lack of commonality so I stopped going completely during the formative bonding period. I was told that these people gossip a lot so I can tell that people had some negative bias towards me (even the ones I hadn't met) when I came around due to the poor impressions I left, got excluded on events on numerous occasions, and received the cold shoulder numerous times so I distanced myself even further. It was a herd-like mentality and even the people that I was on okay terms with seemed to have turned their backs on me.
Rest of the people eventually began to notice this social ostracism and it became an uphill battle at this point so I stopped trying completely. When people have a negative bias towards you from overhearing something from someone else, it's hard to change that. This is the first time in my life that I experienced this type of exclusion by a group as I tend to fit in very well and I dealt with this for over a year by keeping to myself.
Now that the group program is over, the effects of my experience are quite noticeable. It was organized to be an intimate group of lifelong peers but I'm the only one who isn't connected on social media sites by nearly half of the people (30 of them) while everyone else is. Everyone can see mutual connections and people from other groups can easily notice this as well. I'd say about 30% of the group don't really like me and would put my name in the dirt if given the chance. All because I didn't really get to know them nor talk to them. Based on what you've read, is there a remedy at this point or is my best option to cut communication and move on? I don't like how social media keeps refreshing your memory and maintains you within 2nd degree so it's hard to cut off completely. It's not that care about seeing/talking to them again, but rather I don't want anything to come back to me negatively in my professional life/future job searches if I get asked about by someone they know to one of them. It's a small world and small groups of interrelated people that I was part of, so this bothers me the most.
It was organized to be an intimate group of lifelong peers but I'm the only one who isn't connected on social media sites by nearly half of the people (30 of them) while everyone else is.
What?
Anyway... if you don't feel comfortable with that group of people, find others.
All you can do now is be nice and friendly to everyone you meet so that even if someone does say something bad about you, people will instead think "well, I didn't get that impression about him. He seemed like a nice guy to me".
Some people will let others opinions sway them about they feel about a person but others will not. I may listen to what others say about a person, but I take everything into consideration before I decide whether I like someone or not.
If there are some people who believe what some people say about you, then you probably don't want to be friends with those people anyway because they have no thought process of their own.
I would also venture to say that not everyone in that group feels the same way about you. Some may not really care one way or another.
I sometimes worry what people think of me, but then I realized that most people have other stuff going on in their lives - families & work - and I'm just a blip on their mind. They will probably even forget about you in a few months.
All you can do now is be nice and friendly to everyone you meet so that even if someone does say something bad about you, people will instead think "well, I didn't get that impression about him. He seemed like a nice guy to me".
Some people will let others opinions sway them about they feel about a person but others will not. I may listen to what others say about a person, but I take everything into consideration before I decide whether I like someone or not.
If there are some people who believe what some people say about you, then you probably don't want to be friends with those people anyway because they have no thought process of their own.
I would also venture to say that not everyone in that group feels the same way about you. Some may not really care one way or another.
I sometimes worry what people think of me, but then I realized that most people have other stuff going on in their lives - families & work - and I'm just a blip on their mind. They will probably even forget about you in a few months.
Best wishes to you!
Great advice.
Regarding the other group. Just forget about it. You appear to have learned some things that you felt were mistakes on your part. Just try a little harder if you are ever in a similar group situation.
Run from any group that is ostracising you (unless there's a reason and you can grow from it).. but here's the thing, much like how it's harder to find a job when you're unemployed, it's also harder to find friends when you're friendless; you're essentially socially tainted. Much as we'd like to believe, the human species just doesn't stop acting this way when they get older. It actually gets worse and more insular because as people age they get increasingly chary of new people, places, and things so their internal shun meter starts beeping like a mufu. Lots of perceived slights, etc. My advice is to stay away from groups if you want to stay away from herd behavior and group think. If you can successfully disengage from the need to share experiences with other people, it will get easier.
I joined a group of 60 adults (most between age 28-40) and I sort of felt that it was a wrong fit for me from the beginning based on the expectations that I had going in. It was the wrong group to join and I knew that I probably would not be seeing or talking to them much if any afterwards so I didn't invest much time getting to know them and tried to focus on other groups. I know that I probably should've made more effort in the beginning and I did try to hang out a couple of times early on with my assigned group but it just wasn't fun and wasn't the right fit with lack of commonality so I stopped going completely during the formative bonding period. I was told that these people gossip a lot so I can tell that people had some negative bias towards me (even the ones I hadn't met) when I came around due to the poor impressions I left, got excluded on events on numerous occasions, and received the cold shoulder numerous times so I distanced myself even further. It was a herd-like mentality and even the people that I was on okay terms with seemed to have turned their backs on me.
Rest of the people eventually began to notice this social ostracism and it became an uphill battle at this point so I stopped trying completely. When people have a negative bias towards you from overhearing something from someone else, it's hard to change that. This is the first time in my life that I experienced this type of exclusion by a group as I tend to fit in very well and I dealt with this for over a year by keeping to myself.
Now that the group program is over, the effects of my experience are quite noticeable. It was organized to be an intimate group of lifelong peers but I'm the only one who isn't connected on social media sites by nearly half of the people (30 of them) while everyone else is. Everyone can see mutual connections and people from other groups can easily notice this as well. I'd say about 30% of the group don't really like me and would put my name in the dirt if given the chance. All because I didn't really get to know them nor talk to them. Based on what you've read, is there a remedy at this point or is my best option to cut communication and move on? I don't like how social media keeps refreshing your memory and maintains you within 2nd degree so it's hard to cut off completely. It's not that care about seeing/talking to them again, but rather I don't want anything to come back to me negatively in my professional life/future job searches if I get asked about by someone they know to one of them. It's a small world and small groups of interrelated people that I was part of, so this bothers me the most.
First off, 60 people is way too many to try and bond with.
You can't force friendships, this "program" sounds like it was trying to do that. Hopefully you didn't pay money for this.
Find an activity that interests you with a much smaller group.
Some people will let others opinions sway them about they feel about a person but others will not. I may listen to what others say about a person, but I take everything into consideration before I decide whether I like someone or not.
If there are some people who believe what some people say about you, then you probably don't want to be friends with those people anyway because they have no thought process of their own.
I am with you. I prefer to let my gut instinct guide me in my assessment of other people. I will always take the opinion of others into consideration but when all is said and done my gut instinct makes the final call. I never reject a person without some sort of interaction of my own.
First off, 60 people is way too many to try and bond with.
You can't force friendships, this "program" sounds like it was trying to do that. Hopefully you didn't pay money for this.
Find an activity that interests you with a much smaller group.
This 60 person group sounds very strange the way the OP described it.
I have experienced the same issues at a workplace where all the other workers were either older and had been around for years or middle-aged and had been at the company since graduation. Like the OP I learned some lessons from mistakes I made trying to interact with the group.
I'd let all that group stuff you shared just be a learning experience and try to let it go. Spending time looking at who's befriended who/invited who, etc. on social media sites among people you barely know, or even people you know for that matter, is just a waste of time and can only make you feel worse. Don't beat yourself up for acting a certain way towards them that you think contributed to them acting a certain way towards you. Most people are so into themselves and their main concern is just that. A lot of your worries are probably just your imagination. My mind has done that to me and it has been due to my own uneasiness and insecurities in group and other settings which are new and unfamiliar to me. I have ended up self-sabotaging my attempts to take a risk and putting myself more out there in order to meet new people and do new things. My nervousness and self-consciousness have kept me from being as relaxed and friendly as I wanted to be.
Maybe try either smaller groups and/or meeting one-on-one and find other people who you enjoy being around and they enjoy you as well.
Hard to fully respond without knowing at least the purpose of the group.
I will say....You mention being judged, you feel unfairly, and that you fear it may have repercussions related to future professional employment.
You didn't get involved with the group for the same reasons...you judging them. Something to ponder.
As far as staying connected....what's the harm, at least you are connected to some of the group....that is better than not at all if it is important to you professionally.
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