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My SO has a very very difficult BPD mother. He has finally gotten counseling and has seriously reached the end of his rope with her. He no longer wishes to talk to her and hear her endless issues and complaining. He is considering ending his relationship with her. Clearly he will discuss this with his counselor before speaking with her about this, but, has anybody else done this or any advice? It is pretty difficult for him.
If this is done, it has to be a full break and also consider the impact on the rest of the relatives.
For my own sanity, I had to stop being involved with some of my relatives who were doing drugs and were in and out of jail, and believe me, I tried to get them the help they needed, but they were in a race to the bottom. Fortunately, they lived out of state.
When I moved during that period, I changed my phone number, kept it unlisted, got a PO box one town over, and didn't tell anyone in the family where I was working or living. Later, I shared my contact information with one aunt I trusted, no one else. If I hadn't done that, I would've been bothered with 2 am phone calls and other problems.
It took a year before they finally accepted that I was serious and would no longer be helping them with anything until they got off drugs and got legal jobs.
OP, this is the sort of break that is the most successful. Otherwise, having occasional contact can be extremely rough in many cases.
Having done this my advice is stay in therapy. Make a clean, clear, and fair cut. Cutting ties isn't time to bring up the past, attack or leave any opening. If you attack or bring up the past you are begging for them to defend themselves (hey, I would want to also!). Leaving any wiggle room for a person with BPD isn't fair for them or you.
I wrote a letter stating I was no longer going to have a relationship with her while I worked on issues from my childhood. That I would contact her when and if I wanted to start contact. Then I did what I called plugging the holes.
I locked down my facebook, so anyone with allegiance to her was blocked, and I was hidden.
I blocked her phone numbers and those of her close family that might act as flying monkeys.
My husband had to cut contact wither as well, because she just went around me to him. He was very brief. "Please don't contact anyone in our family until further notice" or something like that
Returned a few packages unopened.
Etc. bottom line is no matter what she tried, she didn't get to break the boundary.
I was lucky with mine. She is more a hermit now (wasn't always) and retreated. One who is more a witch will likely launch an assault campaign. One who is more queen will likely assert her ownership over him more. Someone who is my histrionic may fake illness or cause loads of drama. So be prepared to plug a lot of holes.
I would have never been successful if not for the thousands of miles between us. Moving could be the only practical way to make a clean cut, if you live near eachother.
And be prepared to support your husband, it's a hard thing. BPD moms have amazing control over many of their children, especially sons.
That is very sad. I have never cut a family member completely out of my life. I did have to limit the number of times I saw my dad due to his alcoholism and the craziness that was the result of it. I posted not long ago that the last time I saw him we had a blowup. He passed a few days later and I never got to say goodbye. Then, over the years, I realized I too am an alcoholic. Unfortunately, my daughter cut me out of her life. I have not seen her for seven years. She was 19 then, and is almost 27. I have been sober for two years and she still does not want to see me. It is the greatest pain and I have empathy for anyone who is sick and has to deal with the "loss" of a son or a daughter. It took me a long time until I finally realized that I need to let go of her choice. It is her decision and I have no control over her life.
Each person has to decide for themselves how to handle their own situations, I know that. We all have the right to be happy and deserve to be as well.
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