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The problem is that most people who live spontaneously expect that everyone else lives spontaneously. It doesn't sound like the friends let her know "in case" she was free. It sounds like they said "we're here, let's go to lunch."
I'm betting the OP wouldn't be upset to find out they were in the area having lunch, especially if it meant she didn't have to drop everything and rearrange her day.
It sounds like we have heard only the OP's characterization and nowhere did she mention that her friends were upset because she declined an offer. It's really pretty simple. If you're free and want to accept an invitation, accept it. If not, decline. If the inviting friends get upset then either ignore them or defriend them.
It sounds like we have heard only the OP's characterization and nowhere did she mention that her friends were upset because she declined an offer. It's really pretty simple. If you're free and want to accept an invitation, accept it. If not, decline. If the inviting friends get upset then either ignore them or defriend them.
I think the point was that this happens chronically with the same people, so it gets tiresome. And the OP says she and her hubs are starting to feel guilty about not accepting these spur-the-moment invitations. It also sounds like she's wondering if these people really are true friends, or if their invitations are sincere.
OP, there's nothing to feel guilty about. Next time, as someone suggested, turn the ringers off your phones when you want to relax and unwind from the day/week. If you later find a message saying "Sorry we missed you!", you can leave them a message saying you'd have loved to join them if you'd had some advance notice.
Each time, keep (politely) asking them to give you a day or half-day notice at least, so you can work them into your plans. Be cheerful about it. If nothing changes, it means they're not really that into you.
I wonder how old these people are? I vote no for myself, as far as impromptu social engagements, but my son and his friends, plan NOTHING ahead of time, ever.
He's a 30 something, and he an his GF never slow down, but go from one thing to another. He collects friends like a magnet, and all their social arrangements are texted back and forth at the last minute. I couldn't do it.
I wonder how old these people are? I vote no for myself, as far as impromptu social engagements, but my son and his friends, plan NOTHING ahead of time, ever.
He's a 30 something, and he an his GF never slow down, but go from one thing to another. He collects friends like a magnet, and all their social arrangements are texted back and forth at the last minute. I couldn't do it.
Early 30s to early 40s, but this happens with a certain aunt/uncle of DH's who are in their 60s. One time they called us to join them for breakfast at a nearby place and they had already ordered their food.
I guess we need to learn to be more spontaneous, but it really puts me in a mood as I'm not spontaneous...at all.
I think the point was that this happens chronically with the same people, so it gets tiresome. And the OP says she and her hubs are starting to feel guilty about not accepting these spur-the-moment invitations. It also sounds like she's wondering if these people really are true friends, or if their invitations are sincere.
OP, there's nothing to feel guilty about. Next time, as someone suggested, turn the ringers off your phones when you want to relax and unwind from the day/week. If you later find a message saying "Sorry we missed you!", you can leave them a message saying you'd have loved to join them if you'd had some advance notice.
Each time, keep (politely) asking them to give you a day or half-day notice at least, so you can work them into your plans. Be cheerful about it. If nothing changes, it means they're not really that into you.
I think this is probably it. They aren't committed to us. I feel if we said yes to a spontaneous invite, they'd be disappointed. They are almost counting on us to say no, and that's why they invite at last minute.
I don't like this, my DH who is outgoing and talks everyone's ears off doesn't like this. We know two couples who swing by our neighborhood on a Saturday or Sunday and invite us to breakfast, or lunch. It's like 'we're here, we'll meet you within the hour' or in a couple hours. We've said please tell us in advance and we will definitely go, because we already have plans (lounge). Then we end up feeling guilty for not going because we never really had plans anyway (we sometimes like to unplug and lounge, so we can't enjoy that now because we feel antisocial for not going).
I think it's their way of saying they made the effort without ever committing to it. We're adults and we can plan things ahead imo, at least 24 hours or preferably a week or two. If people really want to hang out with us, you'd think they would invite us in advance, however, again I don't think it's a sincere effort. I believe they're hoping we'll say no. One couple has small kids and this is not something I enjoy having dumped on me when I've planned to unwind or do my own thing for the weekend. We tell or ask at least a week in advance to create space for the plans or else it feels like space invasion.
I think I can see both their side and yours.
Perhaps the other couples only have a different style than you and your husband.
While I personally prefer people give advance notice, do you think it's possible in your situation that the biggest problem is not being sure if they really want your company or not? If I were in your position, I'd address this concern to them (politely); and if it comes down to nothing more than their ways being different from yours, I'd take the spur-of-the-moment "invites" as they're received- go if you feel like going, don't if you don't, but not stress about it either way.
I think this is an introvert vs extrovert thing. I'm completely drained with socializing as it is, especially if it's spontaneous. DH is an extrovert but thinks its just rude/insincere when people swing by.
I agree...at least for myself. I'd like to be spontaneous...I just get anxious with last minute plans and what I might need to do to get ready and also to psyche myself up sometimes! Even 24 hours notice would make a big difference.
However, if you are really friends and want to keep them, you'll need to go every once in awhile or as others said, you'll stop getting invited. I know it's not fair but it's a relatively small sacrifice and you can always cut it short saying you have another appointment to get to. They were lucky - you managed to squeeze them in!
I think the point was that this happens chronically with the same people, so it gets tiresome. And the OP says she and her hubs are starting to feel guilty about not accepting these spur-the-moment invitations. It also sounds like she's wondering if these people really are true friends, or if their invitations are sincere.
OP, there's nothing to feel guilty about. Next time, as someone suggested, turn the ringers off your phones when you want to relax and unwind from the day/week. If you later find a message saying "Sorry we missed you!", you can leave them a message saying you'd have loved to join them if you'd had some advance notice.
Each time, keep (politely) asking them to give you a day or half-day notice at least, so you can work them into your plans. Be cheerful about it. If nothing changes, it means they're not really that into you.
Guilt is an internal feeling.
If she's too worn out from socializing to the point she prefers to lounge Saturday instead of having lunch, how does that matter if she was invited Friday afternoon or Saturday morning?
If they weren't really that into her they would be calling up other people all the time.
I think this is probably it. They aren't committed to us. I feel if we said yes to a spontaneous invite, they'd be disappointed. They are almost counting on us to say no, and that's why they invite at last minute.
Why would they even bother to call you? You wouldn't know if they were in the area or not otherwise. What benefit is it to them to not really like you but have you think they like you?
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