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To me, the most important quality in a good caring and healthy friendship is trust. I have had an issue with that in the past. I knew two different women for a few years and mainly listened to problems they had. One time, after drinking too much, I shared something very personal to a friend. I begged that woman not to tell anyone. She promised she would not. She did. I got upset at her, and ended up apologizing to her. (I have been like that in the past--I would let people walk all over me at times and still have to watch that.) Anyway, she wanted nothing to do with me after that. It ended our friendship. I realized that I was better off and didn't need a "friend" that desperately.
The other friend I mentioned above had some serious issues she was going through. I tried to be there for her the best I could. When I was going through a difficult time, she dropped me. All those times I was there for her, and she could not reciprocate that same concern for me. I felt hurt and again, betrayed. When I thought about it I realized that these women had the need to put me down at times. That made them feel better about themselves for some reason which I think is their own lack of self-esteem. I would just laugh along with them pretending that it didn't get to me.
I am older now and I realize that these two women were too self-absorbed and not true friends. They mainly were interested in me to unload all their problems on because I am such a good listener. And I listened to some stuff I really didn't want or need to hear because I wanted to "be there" for them. I have people like that now and I know where I stand with them. I do not consider myself to be "good" friends at all with them. I am okay with that.
My mom has told me that if I find one really good friend in life, that's all I need. There is give and take and concern for one another and not just one's self. I realize that I have had that friend in my life all along and that person is my mom. She is a great listener and cares about me as I do her. She has been ill lately and I realize more than ever how much she means to me. I feel Blessed to have her in my life.
The most important qualities I look for in a good friend are:
1. We have things in common
2. They're a good listener
3. They aren't a narcissist and they don't endlessly talk about their kids/grandkids
In fairness, I do the same in return: I never discuss my family unless asked and I am a great listener. It took my decades to learn how to be a good friend, but I think I have it down now.
You beat me too that observations Ro...I was going to say tho..True friendships have to be earned. True friendships actually has to be earned thru ups and downs...Until someone actually can talk to you truthfully and not sugarcoat things..but goes beyond and offer support and suggestions....Until that point..Friends are actually acquaintances...nothing bad about that at all..It's only these folks are not yet considered trustworthy.
NOW..When a friend offers you advice for any issue..listen closely.. Is it advice to help you or to suit their own purposes?? All things people rarely consider because they may not have had any trials in their lives..Again, nothing wrong with that either. But true friendships are rare and hard to find.
True friends are with you thru thick and thin..and support you ( tho won't condone some things) advise you and be there for YOU always. The trust form of a friend who actually calls you out if you're off base..gives reasons and yet still cares ( loves ya) about you..Reciprocal responses are often experienced..so 2-way street. It's not considered a "Needy friend" but someone who needs moral support or outside influence..Not a Yes person who would condone silliness. I'm a very fortunate person who a few very close friendship like this..It's been an ebb and flow thing going back decades..Sometimes I needed a pep talk or the other way around..I wish for everyone to have friendships like that...
Fair-weather friends are nice when things are good..but they're never lasting..so I call them only "Acquaintances" ...
A good friend to me, #1 most important quality is someone who brings people up, not down, people who inspire, and people who desire for others to be happy just as they are.
When someone's happy with themselves, they focus on the positive things, they focus on who they are as human beings, they focus on their growth potential, and they focus on the things in life that matter most in the long run.
A good friend to me is honest with themself. When someone is honest with themselves, they will be honest with others. They are role-models without even knowing it. You know you can trust this person, because they have the ability and judgment to choose right from wrong actions, and they are pure souls who tend to be young-at-heart. Their mental clarity allows them to be sane, funny, trustworthy, truth-seeking and reliable. They consistently demonstrate through their action what self-Respect really means.
Actually I am quite loyal. People know I will be there when needed. However I do not put up with drama queens or kings though. I won't listen to a person's petty BS. I've seen enough people die to know what is important and it never has to do with who they are dating or their job. You control your situation and do what has to be done or I wouldn't even want you as an acquaintance. For the small **** you man up and take care of it yourself.
I have a feeling most of you are fairweather friends. If your friends son in law cheats on his wife or beats her would you grab your bat and come with us? I doubt it. You will give a shoulder to cry on but when it gets down to doing what has to be done, I bet you disappear.
My best buddy is generous to the point it is almost a fault - if you can name that as fault.
I've only known him since HS - 40+ years - played in numerous bands with him and we hang out a lot now that we are old men. I have gotten all of my bulldogs of varying breeds from him. One of our common talking points is the failed relationships in our pasts. We are damned near family so we can talk about anything.
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