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hitman619, seriously?
Sure old bags my age (51) pursue young studs, I know some who actively do this.
But what in the HECK does that have to do with THIS CASE?
If you inferred from this case as here presented that there's some other agenda therein, that says something about your bias. Or reading comprehension.
You let him decide if he wants your help and friendship. Nothing wrong with a birthday card each year, a Christmas card, or other things that will build new memories. Forget the past, that is gone. Build new memories. I would not rush in, just let him know if he needs to ever talk, hang out, needs a shoulder that you are near by.
Obviously everyone is different and every situation is different, but me personally, I would not be super impressed if one of my parents' former significant others or a former childhood caregiver contacted me with a big explanation and dramatic apology and whatnot for their absence, as some in this thread have recommended. Do I recall feeling rather abandoned as a kid when they passed out of my life without a look back? Sure. But it was a long time ago. Making a huge thing of it now would put pressure on me to come up with, I don't know, some kind of comfort or absolution or heartfelt response, when I'm just not big on full-blown emotional scenes. Obviously not as intense, but it's like when your close relative dies, and people come at you with weepy dramatic sympathy, and you end up comforting them rather than being comforted yourself...
What I would appreciate is a simple "I've been thinking of you over the years - how are you doing nowadays?" and routine friendly future interactions - you know, birthday wishes, postcards on holiday, little gifts at major life events, that kind of thing. Things that make one feel cared for and connected, without emotional pressure or strings attached.
As far as tuition and whatnot goes, I'd be uncomfortable accepting it as a routine thing, but it is always comforting to know that there is someone out there that would have your back in a real emergency or dire straits.
Before doing anything. slow build up a relationship with him via email and phone. Get to know who he became. You're also not the same person you were 8 years ago.
He may remember you. He may not. He may have great memories of you. He may not. He might enjoy having someone to talk to who knows about his past and what he has overcome. He may not.
Time. Take your time! Don't rush him. Don't force anything on him. Let him know you're there for him if he needs you.
I think it's wonderful that you stayed in touch on and off over the years with him. That might be the only semi-stable relationship he has ever had! Poor kid. Both of his parents sound like winners.
If you truly want to offer to help pay for community college, let him know that. Kids age out of the system with practically nothing. There's no one to kid them or help them figure these things out.
Before doing anything. slow build up a relationship with him via email and phone. Get to know who he became. You're also not the same person you were 8 years ago.
He may remember you. He may not. He may have great memories of you. He may not. He might enjoy having someone to talk to who knows about his past and what he has overcome. He may not.
Time. Take your time! Don't rush him. Don't force anything on him. Let him know you're there for him if he needs you.
I think it's wonderful that you stayed in touch on and off over the years with him. That might be the only semi-stable relationship he has ever had! Poor kid. Both of his parents sound like winners.
If you truly want to offer to help pay for community college, let him know that. Kids age out of the system with practically nothing. There's no one to kid them or help them figure these things out.
But does she know for a fact that he was even in foster care? All she knows is that at some point his father lost custody of him. Maybe a relative. a family friend or another one of the fathers' girlfriends took care of him.
There is a span of 8 years where his life is a complete mystery to her.
But does she know for a fact that he was even in foster care? All she knows is that at some point his father lost custody of him. Maybe a relative. a family friend or another one of the fathers' girlfriends took care of him.
There is a span of 8 years where his life is a complete mystery to her.
Good question. That needs to be found out, he may be very content with the people he has in his life.
As far as him "friending" the OP on Facebook, well someone his age has an average of 600 friends on FB. So clearly they accept friend requests without putting too much thought into it. I wouldn't take that as a sign he wants to pursue this.
And if he was in foster care and aged out of the system and does remember the OP, he may resent why didn't you contact me a year ago, I needed a place to live when I turned 18.
Hopefully that isn't the case and he had a good life these last 8 years.
The OP needs to start off slow, and maybe at one point a phone call, you can hear in the voice on the phone how he really feels, is he eager or hesitant, FB doesn't provide that.
Did some more digging on his FB. Apparently, the situation is far more dire than I thought. He still has the mental health issues, but appears to cycle. Which is why I didn't pick up on them first round - he's been relatively stable for about 9 months right now. And I really wanted to believe that he was doing reasonably well. But we're a lot closer to my worst fears (dead or in jail) than I thought.
The family does not appear to be as involved as I first thought either, even though they obviously care for him and had him join them on vacation for a few days. But he told me he's basically homeless - I think he's in a shelter or something.
So I'm researching mental health charities and charities that do post-foster care outreach. He needs counseling and meds, though I haven't said anything about that to him yet. Although honestly, I'm not sure whether he's so much mentally ill as just no one ever taught him any sort of self-discipline or self-control. It was something I was concerned about when he was little - his parents were not great role models in that regard. But there's also severe mental illness on both sides of his family.
And from what he's said, he basically was in foster care for most of his teens from what I can tell.
I already overstepped some boundaries by offering some advice on doing a thorough job search since he told me he was looking for a job and we had a brief IM conversation about that. We'll see how he takes the advice I sent him this morning. But he did indicate he was pretty desperate and that he was unsure what to do, so that's what I responded to.
I gotta ask some more pointed questions, but I was trying not to be intrusive. I'm thinking anything I post further on this is going to be on the mental health board.
But I still see the sweet, smart, good-hearted kid he was when he was little in a lot of his posts. He loved animals, loved his younger half brother (who was adopted out, I think), loved learning new things. I've seen kids who had far worse attitudes or outlooks pull off turnarounds, so I hope he can too.
Thank you all for the advice here. It's been hugely helpful.
Did some more digging on his FB. Apparently, the situation is far more dire than I thought. He still has the mental health issues, but appears to cycle. Which is why I didn't pick up on them first round - he's been relatively stable for about 9 months right now. And I really wanted to believe that he was doing reasonably well. But we're a lot closer to my worst fears (dead or in jail) than I thought.
The family does not appear to be as involved as I first thought either, even though they obviously care for him and had him join them on vacation for a few days. But he told me he's basically homeless - I think he's in a shelter or something.
So I'm researching mental health charities and charities that do post-foster care outreach. He needs counseling and meds, though I haven't said anything about that to him yet. Although honestly, I'm not sure whether he's so much mentally ill as just no one ever taught him any sort of self-discipline or self-control. It was something I was concerned about when he was little - his parents were not great role models in that regard. But there's also severe mental illness on both sides of his family.
And from what he's said, he basically was in foster care for most of his teens from what I can tell.
I already overstepped some boundaries by offering some advice on doing a thorough job search since he told me he was looking for a job and we had a brief IM conversation about that. We'll see how he takes the advice I sent him this morning. But he did indicate he was pretty desperate and that he was unsure what to do, so that's what I responded to.
I gotta ask some more pointed questions, but I was trying not to be intrusive. I'm thinking anything I post further on this is going to be on the mental health board.
But I still see the sweet, smart, good-hearted kid he was when he was little in a lot of his posts. He loved animals, loved his younger half brother (who was adopted out, I think), loved learning new things. I've seen kids who had far worse attitudes or outlooks pull off turnarounds, so I hope he can too.
Thank you all for the advice here. It's been hugely helpful.
I realize he is 18, but if you ever do actually connect with him(on a phone) and you think he feels comfortable with you, suggest that he doesn't need to post all his personal business online.
That's the problem today with many people, especially younger ones, they don't know to keep certain things private.
Because if he is looking for a job many employers go to FB to see what the person is like. If he is posting about mental issues he can forget any employment.
I realize he is 18, but if you ever do actually connect with him(on a phone) and you think he feels comfortable with you, suggest that he doesn't need to post all his personal business online.
That's the problem today with many people, especially younger ones, they don't know to keep certain things private.
Because if he is looking for a job many employers go to FB to see what the person is like. If he is posting about mental issues he can forget any employment.
He needs to clean up his FB page.
I thought the same thing. I sent him a list of ideas for job hunting, and that was the first thing on it. I told him to put his privacy settings waaaay up.
And he was really receptive to the suggestions. He told me they were things he hadn't really ever thought about and were exactly the kind of stuff he needed to know. I had been worried he'd be offended or ticked off, but he wasn't. I think that's a good thing. It was a really nice exchange, and he told me how he remembered me reading to him when he was little.
So that wasn't overstepping boundaries in his eyes.
I was initially going to advise you not to pursue a relationship with him, but since that's already happening, I would tread carefully.
You are opening yourself, and him, up to a potentially harmful situation. You don't know enough about his mental health, and he can track you down pretty easily if he wants.
I think the one question you need to answer is what you are going to do if he shows up on your doorstep. If you aren't willing to take him in, you should stop now. Turning him away after you initiated contact will only do damage.
I know your heart is in the right place, but you're going to open up a can of worms soon.
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