Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is a scenario I would like to ask everyone about, to get some feedback on how others see things and what they would do in such a situation, since it's been bothering me a lot, and I'm not sure how to best respond/not sure what the best course of action is on my end. Thanks in advance for your input:
Lately they've been feeling increasingly overwhelmed and stressed by their responsibilities at work and home, sometimes snapping at their kids at home where they may be trying to get some work done. Because of this, and because of increasingly being at odds with the company direction set by new management, they've been considering leaving their jobs and finding less stressful ones, while also relocating to a lower cost of living area.
They each make enough to sustain themselves on one income, if one were to choose to be a stay-at-home parent. However, only my brother seems willing to make that career sacrifice, as his wife enjoys her new management role.
Instead of making a concerted effort to find ways to make things work in California (thousands of couples with 2+ kids do), which is possible by making some sacrifices in the name of family, they've instead opted to look to move to the mid-west to the hometown of his wife, since she has increasingly missed her family and hometown's lifestyle, as well as changing of the seasons. My brother has expressed his desire to remain in California, but has said that if he wants to remain married he may have to go where it would make his wife happiest. They have justified the move by saying they could reduce cost of living expenses, find 9-5 low-stress jobs, and get childcare from her parents when needed, to improve their overall quality of life. But I think that the main thrust for the move is the wife's desire to move back home to the mid-west.
The concerns or problems I have with this plan for my brother and his family to leave the state is that my brother and I have our mother to think about. She is widowed, semi-dependent on her children, and has recently undergone surgery and chemo for an aggressive cancer. She experienced a few emergency health incidence over the past year requiring our support and care, and has another 4 years of clear test results needed before she can be considered lowest-risk for recurrence. The clear joys in her life are her grand kids, who I feel keep her happy and give her a significant reason to keep living and fighting to live.
My brother and his wife are cognizant of the fact that they have not spent as much quality time with our mother as they could have since marriage. Understandably, people are naturally self-absorbed and self-involved, especially when they become parents and have kids to care for. They communicated to me that it was unfair for me to have to bear all of the costs to care for our mother, and I responded that my main concern and focus is on giving our mother our quality/premium time and that I feel like I have no real stakeholder equally invested in her well-being and happiness. I expressed that I felt they could at least make an effort to give her 20-25% of their premium time to spend together as a family with her grand kids, and not left-over, after-though scraps of time. Since then, they started making quality family time for her and things were looking good. I felt they finally "got it".
Then, recently, they announced that they would be moving to the mid-west within 2-3 years (baby steps), for the reasons already stated above, and that they'd like to have our mother move there with them or at least live there half of the year. My mother, being in her senior years, is wearing of moving, especially somewhere cold and snowy, when her hospital, doctors, and all the things she's familiar and comfortable with is here in California. And she doesn't feel like she'd be physically be able to handle traveling across country back and forth every 6 months, as over the long term it would wear on her.
Shortly after this, they announced they could be moving by this coming fall. This came as a surprise and seemed rather rushed for unexplained reasons when they initially indicated it'd take 2-3 years for the move.
I had a family discussion with my brother and mother, and indicated to my brother that if everyone agrees that family unity is the most important thing, and everyone should be near equally valued, then everyone should be willing to make compromises to come up with a long-term plan that works for everyone. Maybe this means finding a middle ground - moving to a state with strong job prospects, good schools, mild winters, and low cost of living, where everyone could move to... it requires each person to be willing to make compromises and let go of something they value. I indicated I myself would be willing to make the sacrifice needed to maintain family unity if everyone else showed the same willingness.
He seemed to understand and be on board with that and indicated he and his wife would be evaluating viable places to live during their trip to the mid-west. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like they did much looking elsewhere, aside from his wife's hometown. And when they came back from their recent trip there, they again indicated they'll be moving to that hometown.
I understand that once you are married and have kids, your responsibilities and top priorities change, but I don't think that is grounds for justification of borderline neglect of our mother on their side, nor do I think it is fair I have no equal stakeholder in our mother's care and happiness. My brother's wife's parents, on the other hand, have 2 other kids that are within driving distance, and her parents are both younger and in good health, with hobbies or careers that keep them occupied. In other words, the one in most need of them and the grand kids is my mother. I also sympathize with my sister in law since she misses her parents, siblings, and hometown, and feels my brother gets to see his family more often. That said, I feel that a healthy marriage should be one of compromise on both sides, and where each spouse thinks of the other and not purely of themselves. In the end, I think if they are faithful to that, then they would find a good middle ground where everyone can be happy. But right now, it seems to be mostly my brother compromising and his wife getting everything she wants.
It feels like once my brother got married, we lost half of a brother and half of a son.
If you were in a similar situation, would you consider my expectations of them to be fair and realistic? Would you consider my idealistic yet attainable proposal of an all-around compromise in the name of family unity to be fair and realistic? What would you do in my shoes?
They have their own family wellness to consider, and they have been willing to help your Mom by taking her for 6 months. I think that was generous. Either work within those parameters, or don't.
With 2 small children they do not have a lot of extra time.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I understand that once you are married and have kids, your responsibilities and top priorities change, but I don't think that is grounds for justification of borderline neglect of our mother on their side, nor do I think it is fair I have no equal stakeholder in our mother's care and happiness.
If you were in a similar situation, would you consider my expectations of them to be fair and realistic ?
No, not at all.
"Borderline neglect?" Come on.
I take it you're single? Because I don't think you do understand how priorities change when you marry and have kids. The entire extended family dynamic changes, as it should and as it has for thousands of years.
It's not ideal, but it's reality. Every nuclear family has to consider their kids first.
When your brother got married, he and his new wife and now kids, became his new family unit. You are trying to hold onto something that doesn't exist anymore. Yes, you and your mother are still his family, but your roles and relationships have shifted.
My husband's brother did not get this either. He would constantly scold my husband for not calling their parents all the time. His brother a single, lonely guy, called them everyday, lived nearby and visited about once a week. He expected the same from my husband (minus the visits since we live 17 hours away). When you are working full time and have small children, you just don't have the time, even of you want to. Once his brother got married and took on stepchildren, he figured it out. (He of course never said anything to us or apologized to my husband, but his actions and decreased involvement in my in-laws lives show this.)
They can't consider every single family member in their personal decisions, because they have to live them and raise children with them. Making a bold statement like "I'll never leave California" should never be considered truthful or realistic, because you never know where your life will lead you, which roads you'll have to take and the sacrifices you'll have to someday make. It's silly to say something like that and especially silly to expect someone to live to that word, especially after life altering changes like marriage and children.
They are willing to take your mother 6 months a year. That's a big deal. Let her go in the summer when it's hot in California and mild in the Midwest. The kids will also be on summer break (,once school aged) and be able to spend a lot of time with her. Flying a few hours is typically not very stressful for even the elderly. It would only be twice a year. It's not like it would be monthly.
Let them go, wish them luck. They are going either way; being angry about will just hurt your relationship.
First, I am sorry about your mother's health problems and wish her the best.
When you consider family unity, it is important to remember that for your SIL and her children, that unity includes her own parents too. I think it is extremely generous of them to offer to take your mother for 6 months; most DIL's wouldn't do this.
It sounds like you are very close to your brother & his family. I wonder if your anxiety about their move has more to do with the loss YOU will feel than anything else. When I was younger it sure was hard to see my sister move to another state! As P4P said though, priorities change as we progress through life and necessarily so. Parents and siblings are still loved, but spouse and children come first.
You are fortunate to have a loving family to whom you are close. Try to accept change and respect others' decisions regarding their own lives, and then they will do the same with you. To do otherwise would most likely make for bad feelings and destroy the family.
Even though you, he, and your mother are blood family, you and your mother are no longer his immediate family which he has to take care of first and foremost. I see and understand his decisions are tough for you and your mother but he has to do what's best for his immediate family. If that's to move away, then so be it. Nothing wrong with that. Is he selfish? I don't think so cause he did offer your mother to stay with him. Sorry to say but you have to make due with whatever decision he makes for him and his family regardless how much tougher it will make for you and your mother.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
