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Here's the back story - My husband and I paid (airline tickets, activities and food) for his brother's 2 girls ages 11 and 14 to come visit us for 3 weeks. They don't have much money and live in a tiny town in CA. I have never met them, the girls that is. Hubby met them a couple of years ago when he took our adopted son out to visit his family. We wanted my son and the 2 girls to have a good connection especially since my son is an only child.
Well, I'm disappointed in how those girls behaved. One of the first things I noticed was how when we spoke to them, they wouldn't respond. After many one sided conversations, I just gave up. I had wanted to show and tell them so many things, but after you are essentially ignored, the frustration was just too much.
Before visiting, I had them fill out a questionnaire of sorts to find out what they liked to eat and what they wanted to do while here. They have never traveled, much less been on a plane. They showed zero interest in the places we took them. We took them to DC several times. I never heard they liked anything or were excited to do anything. Sighs. More on that later.
They demanded bottled water. I pointed to the faucet and the filtered water from the fridge. They wouldn't eat chicken, because it grosses them out. Their words not mine. They wanted steak! For breakfast, they would pour huge bowls of cereal and cover it with about 2 cups of milk. The majority was poured down the drain. Hubby and I fixed that by giving them small bowls and poured the milk for them. They turned their noses up in the air when I fed them steak from the previous night for lunch. Good thing I had only cooked the cheap steak! I can't imagine their parents feeding them like that on a regular basis.
I didn't ask much of them in the housekeeping department. I asked them to make their beds each day. I asked them about 4 times to tidy their room because it looked like a pig pen. I asked them once to wipe the bathroom counter because it was covered in hair. I expected them to help put away clean dishes with my son. Getting them to do those few things took some work.
We had bedtimes that varied from day to day, because we were taking them to do the things they wanted. Well we started getting backlash each morning from getting them up. One of them even snipped at my son when he got them up at noon! The up all night, sleep all day doesn't work for me.
After about 2 weeks of the being ignored, the rudeness we got for waking them up and the lack of interest after I spent $400 to take them to a MLB game. I was done. I was done taking them places. I was done showing them things. Just done.
Then the truth came out literally... they left overnight to visit another relative of theirs. The older girl left out a journal in plain sight in the house. I picked it up not knowing what it was. Well, yeah I read it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but now I know the truth. Really no mention of liking the things I have kept them busy with, but more of talking crap about me and my family.
She called me, my husband and son and even his friends bad things. She wrote how she and her sister were frequently "mad" and "pissed" at us. They complained about our "weird rules". (Bedtime is a weird rule?) They hated it here... hated the community pool, hated the kids, hated it here period. Boring was a commonly used adjective. Thank goodness they don't have to live here right?
I was in tears seeing she called my son an ass. He is the friendliest kid I know. I don't know what I did to deserve "Me and my sister are pissed at our Aunt! What's new?" on the day I drove them back to DC just so they could get souvenirs that they failed to buy when we were there before. Or 2 days later, when they were "really mad at me!" Hmm I went out and bought food for THEM, cooked them STEAK and they did what they wanted the rest of the time.
I found out the problem getting them up was they were staying up until the wee hours of the morning texting, watching movies on a kindle etc. Yeah I unplugged the internet router at night after that. Damn I wish I had done that sooner!
I had hubby read the journal and he was equally mad and upset. While we didn't divulge that we found this journal, hubby did email his brother with the things we had been doing and how we found the girls next to impossible to get up in the mornings and that they were hard to talk to. His response... "We gave up on bedtimes and responsibilities years ago!"
WOW! While everyone has the right to parent in their own way. These girls are in for a rude awakening. I can't imagine being in someone else's home and acting the way they did. The least they could have done was say THANK YOU for inviting us into your home and paying for this trip. Did we get that? No!
Invite strangers for a shorter period of time, like a week or less. You only invited them so your son would have some playmates (but this is for you and not for them).
You should probably really be mad at his brother and wife for not giving you more heads up. Sounds like they were just glad to get rid of them for 3 weeks and did not want to warn you.
If they are 11 and 14 and you had never met them, and your husband had only once, I take it your families aren't close. You tried to do a good thing, and they were not appreciative. Lesson learned, hopefully. 3 weeks was WAY too long for a first visit like that. A long weekend, or a week at most is what you should have started with. That doesn't excuse their behavior.
It was probably good for them to see how another family functions. I don't know what your communication was like. I hope you told them ahead of time that you had plans for the following day and needed to leave the house at whatever time. It shouldn't have been a surprise when you went to wake them up in the morning.
In this house, we go to bed early and get up early. Like you, I would have been frustrated to have them sleeping until noon. It sounds like they don't know any better, though. I'm sorry it was a disappointment. It sounds like you made a huge effort.
Look, I think you had waaaaaay too high expectations. You uprooted two teenaged girls (that age group sucks, btw) for THREE WEEKS to spend time with a family they didn't know or barely knew. I know you thought you were being generous, but for kids who have never spent time away from home, that was just way way way too much.
You didn't know these kids. They didn't know you. You obviously knew nothing about their upbringing except that they were poor.
I'm reacquainting myself with one of my exes' sons who is in a bad spot and who had a horrible childhood. He is 18. With few exceptions, 18-year-old boys are absolute jerks. I go into every conversation with EXTREMELY low expectations and assume nothing. So far I'm quite happily surprised by the young man he has become, but I still allow myself to expect NOTHING, not even gratitude and certainly not affection.
Those girls behaved abominably, but they were fishes out of water with nothing familiar around them, likely for the first time in their lives. It must have been very strange and unsettling for them. And clearly their parents are not very effective. I'd say you got ahead of yourself and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you need to take your time before extending an invitation for almost a month to people (especially teens) you don't know at all.
I'm sorry you had a crappy experience and I know your intentions were good, but you gotta look before you leap.
And really, you should know better than to take the rantings and opinions of a preteen and young teenagers personally.
11 and 14 year old made to stay three weeks with people who essentially strangers.... no wonder they weren't thrilled.
So sorry your expectations weren't met.
If they are 11 and 14 and you had never met them, and your husband had only once, I take it your families aren't close. You tried to do a good thing, and they were not appreciative. Lesson learned, hopefully. 3 weeks was WAY too long for a first visit like that. A long weekend, or a week at most is what you should have started with. That doesn't excuse their behavior.
It was probably good for them to see how another family functions. I don't know what your communication was like. I hope you told them ahead of time that you had plans for the following day and needed to leave the house at whatever time. It shouldn't have been a surprise when you went to wake them up in the morning.
In this house, we go to bed early and get up early. Like you, I would have been frustrated to have them sleeping until noon. It sounds like they don't know any better, though. I'm sorry it was a disappointment. It sounds like you made a huge effort.
Not only are the girls in for a rude awakening when they have to figure out what to do with their lives when they can't get into college due to terrible grades, their parents are in for a very rude awakening when puberty hits, full-blown, followed by some form of quasi-adulthood.
Just be glad they're not your kids, and that they live far away. Keep it that way. It sounds like your in-laws have allowed the inmates to take over the asylum. The later chapters of that story won't be pretty. Really, it's sad that the girls' parents gave up on them, and abrogated their responsibility as parents. Neglect is a form of abuse, and that could be considered neglect. Those kids have been set up for failure at life. it ought to be a crime.
Bets that at least one of the girls gets pregnant in HS. Or on drugs. Or both.
as other's have said your expectations were way too high. they were strangers to you. you can't expect young kids to be so adaptable to the food, the rules, the activities of a new house. they are used to eating what they eat, not what you think they should. chalk this one up to live and learn. a few days would of been a much better idea. sorry it didn't go well
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It sounds like your in-laws have allowed the inmates to take over the asylum. The later chapters of that story won't be pretty. Really, it's sad that the girls' parents gave up on them, and abrogated their responsibility as parents. Neglect is a form of abuse, and that could be considered neglect. Those kids have been set up for failure at life. it ought to be a crime.