Is there a point where you finally cut off your kids who treat you badly? (present, gossip)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sometimes we, as parents, have to decide if the efforts we put toward our children to maintain a relationship are worth it if they fail to realize the emotion, and sincerity we have behind our words. Sometimes that wisdom comes with age, but unfortunately, then it may be too late to rectify any damage done to a relationship. Coming from a dysfunctional family I have seen, and experienced relationships that flourished for a great while, only to be toppled by what to me would seem to be an inconsequential event, but to the other person, a major injustice to them, and an end to the relationship.
I have given up trying to understand the reasons why this happens. Human nature is both fascinating, and sometimes frustrating when it comes to the reasons that people choose for things they do in life. To the OP, I would sincerely let it go, and concentrate on your own life, and happiness. Any further effort to try to pull a response from your daughter would be bordering on you being an "enabler " and sanctioning her behavior. As someone else said here, she is an adult, and as such chooses her own path of behavior.
I can't thank you enough for this post. I wasn't even offended at your description of my daughter as a "nut case."
When I found her facebook page just the other day (I'm not into facebook), I went looking to see if she was okay, as I wondered if she was in the hospital or something. You know, can I be angry at her, when she might have been in an accident and that's why she hasn't responded...
Anyway, her facebook page is just one glamour shot of herself after another, with her friends commenting about how pretty she is. There's not much more to it. I thought it was really weird.
I had actually gotten over "losing" her, but then felt compelled to try one more time, and she responded, and then nothing again.
But, you're right. It does feel like a cruel power trip. She knows it really hurts me when she doesn't respond, as I've told her so. It's a cruel cat and mouse game. It's hurtful and humiliating. And I told a friend just yesterday I wished she'd not responded at all, if she was just going to do this again.
I knew there would be some cruel posters here, but I was hoping to hear from someone who had been in my shoes. I can't tell you how helpful your post is to me. Thank you.
Your daughter has told you in 10,000 ways that she does not give a damn about you. I'm not sure why you are not hearing it. So repeat after me: My daughter. Has demonstrated. In 10,000 ways. That she doesn't. Give a damn. About. Me.
There. Maybe you will believe yourself. You stated yourself that you created this Frankenstein by bad parenting. Accept that reality. It's irrevocable. She won't change, and she is not interested in changing. She is a woman of poor character and that's that.
Cut off contact. Block her e-mail address. Don't go on Facebook. Find something more productive to do with your time. You created a monster, and your punishing yourself by watching the monster do what monsters do. It makes no sense to continue to dwell on this failure.
It is difficult to accept that you failed as a parent. You hoping that she will change is more about you than her. You are hoping that one day, by some miracle, a change in her will reverse the fact that you failed as a parent. That is wishful thinking and it is not going to happen.
The only thing you can do now is worry about what you are going to do between now and your death. Plan on making that a positive span of time. And that won't happen by dwelling on past failures that cannot be changed.
I would suggest looking at how you want to be rather than how your daughter responds to you. It's something I never understand about people... that they would act based on how the other person acts. This comes up with thank you cards, etc. "She never sends me one, so I'm not sending her one!" Why not send one because you are thankful?
The same logic applies here I think. If you want a relationship with your daughter ever, I wouldn't give up. I would NOT, however, send texts or messages with expectation of response. You already know she's not going to at this point. Will she ever? Maybe. If you want to be there when she comes around - if she ever does - you need to be there.
I would send a letter or card - a real one - every 3 months or something. Tell her how you are doing, what's going on in other family member's lives (if applicable), a movie you watched or a thought you had. Do not ask how she's doing, but instead express wishes that she's doing all right.
Show her you care... if you still do. If you don't, then forget all this and just cut her off. You may never know if those letters made a difference in her life somehow. She may never contact you again, but at least you know you tried. Like others said, there is nothing you can do about the past, but that doesn't mean you can't influence her from afar in the future.
This isn't the same situation, but it does involve me and a younger relative I was very close to. We had a falling out years ago when she behaved abominably and refused to apologize for it. I know I'm not the out-of-line one because every single one my friends (and some strangers) all sided with me, and trust me, my friends frequently tell me when I'm in the wrong. They have no problem with that. They wouldn't be my friends if they did, probably.
Frankly, it was a devastating situation for me. I had always been one of the hubs of my family (as in, the only one who got along with everyone and the "go to" emergency contact), and I love all my relatives fiercely. Perhaps in a way I may have created this monster, because everyone saw me as so easygoing and maybe this branch of the family just thought I would roll over and accept their bad behavior? I dunno. I wasn't really the one personally wronged - just put in a very bad situation by their bad behavior. I decided I didn't want that kind of crazy in my life and distanced myself from the dysfunctional family members. I told them why I was doing it, and they shrugged it off.
So for years, I just went on with my life. The ones I was friends with on FB unfriended me even though I'd left them on my list. I heard nothing from them and was kept up to date on their lives by other relatives. A couple months ago, after five years of silence, this estranged young relative reached out to me on FB. No acknowledgement of her past behavior, nothing but "hey, how ya doing?" basically. Still not sure what is going on, but I'm happy to be somewhat involved in her life again (from a distance). And I remain wary. She's made some really bad decisions in her life, and I'm not really sure if that's what motivated her to reach out.
I know this is infinitely harder for you because it's your daughter, but my thought is that maybe you just stop worrying about humiliation and whatnot. Just accept that you've done what you can and leave the door open. Live your life. Send a card once or twice a year to update her on your situation. And expect nothing.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are a good person. You loved your daughter, you did the best you could with what you had, you tried to help her. All your intentions were good. Please don't torture yourself with false guilt. I would advise you to give her and the situation to God and try to "let it go". Pray for her, but please don't put yourself in a place where she has open access to hurt you anymore. You are not alone. There are many parents who are going through the same thing or worse. You daughter is an adult and she has free will to either do good things or bad things. The guilt is hers. The good news is that she might change. If she ever has children, that should do the trick, or she might have an encounter with God and have a change of heart and come back to you with an apology. I wish you all the best things in life.
It seems like you have a lot of conflicts with people in your family. You stated you cut your parents and siblings out of your life and now thinking to cut your child out of your life? I don't want to be rude but I think you need to look at your behaviors and expectations of others.
I also don't see your daughter as humiliating you. Now she may not be responding in the way you want but maybe she is not ready. To not speak to your child or in my opinion to keep trying over this rental issue would be very sad. Your daughter may have been out of line in how she spoke to you but to cut her out of your life seems very harsh
Have you thought of therapy with the individuals you are having issues with? Especially with your daughter.
I agree with the above post.
I have noticed the same trend with this OP.
She's the obvious common denominator.
I can't help but think of an old idiom. It appears the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
It is likely that those things you dislike and see in your (narcissism, etc.) daughter are the same in you!
Therapy and behavior modification highly recommended and needed!
I also recommend you invest in a copy of, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
Last edited by picklejuice; 08-01-2015 at 10:36 AM..
But, how do you do that, specifically? So imagine your daughter writes you an email saying she thinks she has a new job and you respond, Great, let me know if you got it. Three weeks go by and nothing, so you write again and say, Did you get it? Nothing. Then you wait a week and try texting in case the email didn't go through, Did you get the job? On pins and needles here! Nothing.
Do you just stop emailing and texting? Wait for her to email again someday? Then if she does, do you respond immediately again, only to get no response again?
How exactly do you "stand your ground" in this situation?
And if you are waiting around for a response at their whim, doesn't that make you their doormat?
If she doesn't answer again, then just stop. You don't continue to pelt her with more e-mails/calls/whatever. Just. Stop.
Oh, and the "stand your ground" wasn't in reference to the communication. It was in reference to doing your daughter's bidding.
Wow your story is incredibly sad NoMoreSnowForMe. I had a friend who did the same thing to her son but she was compensating for her alcohol abuse. She gave him everything under the sun except for a sober, sane mother. He in turn treated her like crap because of it. She died at 59 when he was in his late 20's. To this day he is ill equipped for life and the million + his mother left him is being managed by his elderly Aunt. There is nothing you can do with your daughter until she wakes up and smells the coffee. I hope some day she realizes everything you've done for her and is grateful. Until then let her grow up, make her own mistakes without that safety net there to catch her and maybe then she will realize that you do indeed deserve some respect. Maybe some space is a good thing for your relationship. Are you stuck in this rut of subconsciously trying to keep her your baby forever? My mother did that with my brother. She kept him weak and needy so he would live with her and he did until the day she died. That whole dynamic was not a healthy one. Your daughter may be feeling betrayed when you stepped away from managing her rental property. When you're used to being treated a certain way by someone and that treatment ceases, it creates confusion and resentment. Contacting her with message after message can make you look needy and clingy. Once was enough. The ball is in her court to choose whether she wants to respond or not. I understand how hard it must be for you to step back. I lost a friend recently and I still don't know why. That person needs space from me and the reason why is irrelevant at this point. When you care about someone their best interest is first and foremost over yours. I'm sure it is 10x harder to walk away when it is your child. Let her come to you. I'm sure she will when she's ready.
First of all I want to say how awful some of these comments are. All I can think is they are the ones who need help. So easy to put all the blame on Mom.
I have a similar situation with my daughter for over 30 years. Her teen years were a nightmare. Then I discovered that she had been quite promiscuous and had gotten a bad case of STD. She needed surgery at 19 and the doctor was quite blunt with his explanation of it.
Apparently that is when it started. Her father and I divorced and during the process she told me what he had done to her. I was aghast and tried to help her, support her, with counselors, etc., however she could not complete a course of therapy. She is in early 50s now and has been married and divorced twice. Somewhere in those years she decided that it wasn't her father after all and it must have been her brother. Unfortunately she told her sister-in-law that her brother "did it" to her (she was 11, he 9). I have no proof either way except she turned into a person I can't even describe. She could not have children and still mourns it. She and her father got very close after the divorce, something that really puzzled me for a long time. Initially she said he had molested her. How and why would she want to be so close to him? Over the course of 32 years, every now and then I would see her, maybe for a couple of hours, then she would slam the door on me again. And she would never say why. I spent a lot of years in misery. She recently came around because she wanted to "make things right" with me. When we got to that part of the conversation, she said she couldn't remember and that I should not expect her to relive the past. I don't think I was asking for that. I just wanted to know what made her turn on me. She is still close with Dad, he gives her money (he has plenty to give) and of course when something happens she calls him and he goes to help her.
As I mentioned above, I have a son, too. He took the wrong way at the fork in the road. Ended up in prison for 5 years. Married to his third wife (she is a druggie and lunatic), and after I discovered how he had lied to me about so many things and then threatened to sic a lawyer on me because I looked on his Facebook page. I broke it off with him, too. But his father will have next to nothing to do with him, does not help him financially or emotionally. Has said son has screwed his life up and he won't help him till son straightens out.
So there are the grim details, with many left out. I know I wrote too much.
But for the OP I encourage you to get your own life going. Go places with your friends. Get a part time job (if not for extra money, then for mental health). Stop the over-thinking. Stop the over-analyzing of what you said. Aren't you tired of walking on eggshells? It's exhausting.
And only if you want to, see a therapist, but make it for YOU. Not for getting your daughter back. Get your own health on track. You are worth it.
First of all I want to say how awful some of these comments are. All I can think is they are the ones who need help. So easy to put all the blame on Mom.
.
I don't place blame on good or all moms. I had a good mom. Actually, I had a great mom! My sisters are great moms --who have had close and great relationships with their children from the get go. Consequently, they would never abandon them or cut them off. Hmmm... Notice a trend?
Moderator cut: delete
Last edited by Miss Blue; 08-01-2015 at 02:37 PM..
Reason: use dm's for personal messages as this will create a hijack into an arguement between you two
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It appears the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. 