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It has crossed my mind to do nothing. And I know it's the politically correct thing for me to say who am I to decide what's good for them.
Who are you? You are the only fully formed, productive healthy adult in this mess. You are the only homeowner, the only one with a career, etc. Your BF is getting there, but seeing as he is in school yet, isn't there yet.
Remember the golden rule. Them that has the gold, makes the rules. You got the gold. If they ask for Gold, you get to attach rules. But they haven't asked yet.
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Originally Posted by MetroWord
What do you think the "solution" entails?
You might bribe her to get a GED. Just a thought.
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Originally Posted by MetroWord
Part of me seeking help is trying to understand what goes on in that head of hers. I can't fathom for the life of me what's so great about having kids that would make their lives better or solve all their problems.
She thinks that a baby will provide her the love she doesn't get at home. She thinks that a baby will make her man stay with her. She thinks that the baby will make her man get off his butt and provide for her. She thinks that the baby will be a ticket to public assistance bennies.
Who are you? You are the only fully formed, productive healthy adult in this mess. You are the only homeowner, the only one with a career, etc. Your BF is getting there, but seeing as he is in school yet, isn't there yet.
Remember the golden rule. Them that has the gold, makes the rules. You got the gold. If they ask for Gold, you get to attach rules. But they haven't asked yet.
Actually......... they have........ and I caved. There is a big brother in the picture that I haven't mentioned. Earlier this year, he was about to be evicted due to his inability to pay rent. He came and asked if he could move in. I couldn't exactly say no outright, so I offered loan him 2 months rent for him to catch up. About $1500. A couple months later, he broke the contract and moved out anyway. He is currently sleeping on his aunt's couch. And no, I'm not holding my breath waiting for him to pay me back.
I should also mention that at the time he had a girl friend who according to him stayed up all night watching tv and slept all day. What is it with people not wanting to work?
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She thinks that a baby will provide her the love she doesn't get at home. She thinks that a baby will make her man stay with her. She thinks that the baby will make her man get off his butt and provide for her. She thinks that the baby will be a ticket to public assistance bennies.
I've actually brought this up with her, that chances are he will be gone as soon as there's a baby. Kinda the same deal as the other sister's man. His name was Angel. We actually met once when she was pregnant. He said he was going to love her forever. A couple months after the baby came out, he disappeared along with all her money. That was when she moved back to her folks' apartment.
There is really nothing you can or should do. Besides stay out of it. Marlow is right on about everything.
If you let them move in you will really regret it, I promise you that. People are who they are. If she was working hard to escape that hell hole, then yes, I can see helping. But she is dead set on ruining her life. She will take everything she can from you and still not change. And the whole family will see you as the guy to bail them out.
People don't grow up if they don't have to. So, you have to let them learn life's lessons on their own. If you bail them out in any way, shape or form, they don't learn to stand on their own two feet.
There are few exceptions. For instance, someone who always works for a living, who suddenly lost their job, and is fully expected to find another job in a month, and will definitely pay you back - based on their history of being responsible.
What you can do now, is set the boundaries by saying something like, "Well, you're an adult and can make your own decisions. We just want to be sure you understand that we can't help you financially if things don't work out for you. We would be willing to help you pay for a few months of therapy if you ever decide you want to do that."
That way, you're showing a little compassion, but you're setting a limit. These girls expect the world and everyone in it to take care of them. When they learn it won't include you, they may cut you off (yay!), but they will learn to troll somewhere else for enablers.
Been there. Be prepared for them to all band together and decide you are evil, and shun you forever. Trust me, that would be good riddance.
Good on you for being kind-hearted, but don't let them take advantage of that.
One of them has already gotten a nice wad of cash out of you.
You probably think it is your own idea to ponder inviting one or two of this extended clan to move in with you. Think back, think back hard. They have been encircling you like a pack of predators, setting you up as a patsy for them to sponge off of in perpetuity. They've dropped hints, they've given you the idea about helping them out.
I am sorry to have to say this, but you are naive.
I've seen this cycle of predation -- of exploitation -- multiple times back when I was a social worker.
You need to set a good example for your BF of how to be a man who takes care of himself and who draws boundaries.
One can only lead by example. There's no other way. You can set the example your BF needs to have in his life: The example of prudent, self-respecting decision making.
You can lead him to continue lifting himself up and out of the cycle of poverty and abuse by making good, firm, reasonable -- and hard -- decisions.
Point blank: You can't fix stupid. The more you give them, the more dependent they become. Cut them off. Hard, cold, firm. It's called self preservation.
Set the example of firm boundaries. Get the parasites out of your life. No malice involved. Just common sense.
And by setting the example of stating a clear, firm "No" to their parasitic behavior, you set the example for your BF to likewise lift himself free.
$0.02 cheerfully refundable. But I've seen it all too many times.
It has crossed my mind to do nothing. And I know it's the politically correct thing for me to say who am I to decide what's good for them.
We know the parents are gone. But the sisters are still young and there's a chance we can do something to get them out of the mentality that they are in. It's like watching a train wreck happening in slow-mo.
And the fact of the matter is they are already in our lives. It seems too heartless to just do nothing.
You, and particularly your boyfriend, need to talk to a counselor about what you can and should not do. You and your boyfriend are in danger of becoming enablers for addictive behavior. The alcoholic mom throwing guilt trips at your boyfriend is classic manipulative addict behavior. They are all displaying the same pattern. They want to spread the misery around so they can do what they want.
Talking to a professional will help you avoid getting your legs blown off in that minefield you are wading through. They will ask for "help," when what they are really asking is for you to enable their bad lifestyle choices.
As for letting sis move in, be aware that if she moves in you become her landlord, subject to landlord-tenant rules. The only way you can get rid of her is to evict her, and she may be able to evict you if she makes a case that you are creating a hostile living environment. She is not going to quit having sex just because she moves in, so her boyfriend will be there too. You will end up feeding them, because they will consume everything in the kitchen without buying groceries. Your possessions become her possessions, and they will start pawning or selling things for spare cash. It will be a nightmare. Don't let them do it. If she shows up at the door asking to stay or be homeless, give her a ride the women's shelter. If she asks for money, donate it to the women's shelter and give her the address.
As the adult child of an alcoholic, your boyfriend is at severe risk for getting sucked into enabling behavior. He grew up with it. You both need to attend Al-Anon meetings, which is for friends and children of problem drinkers.
It has crossed my mind to do nothing. And I know it's the politically correct thing for me to say who am I to decide what's good for them.
We know the parents are gone. But the sisters are still young and there's a chance we can do something to get them out of the mentality that they are in. It's like watching a train wreck happening in slow-mo.
And the fact of the matter is they are already in our lives. It seems too heartless to just do nothing.
OP, the "watching a trainwreck in slo-mo" part is us sitting here helpless, while you decide to help out these people who pretty much aren't helpable, and who will take advantage of you, and possibly even strain your relationship w/your bf to the breaking point.
You can try to help the 18-yr-old without allowing her to invade your space. It's not necessary to have her under your roof in order to talk to her, reason with her, encourage her, or just plain buy her some therapy sessions.
OP, the "watching a trainwreck in slo-mo" part is us sitting here helpless, while you decide to help out these people who pretty much aren't helpable, and who will take advantage of you, and possibly even strain your relationship w/your bf to the breaking point.
You can try to help the 18-yr-old without allowing her to invade your space. It's not necessary to have her under your roof in order to talk to her, reason with her, encourage her, or just plain buy her some therapy sessions.
You want to know the sad part. If this 18 year old was 7 years old my only advice would be to call CPS when ever indicated and just be her friend. Even a kid, you can't rescue. I know first hand.
BTW, have you had any cause to call CPS for the baby's welfare? Have you done it if so?
The long and short of this is if you want no life for yourselves just keep enableing these misfits. Get them all out soon. They can see how much fun it is to live in welfare housing , and live on food stamps. Dont feel sorry for them as they certainly arent concerned about you. The last thing on ones mind when they are freeloading on relatives,contributing nothiing would be to come up with a lame brain idea of getting pregnant.
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