Parents, grandkids, living far away (rant)

[tlvancouver]

Originally Posted by Mr_Geek

I'm defensive because people make false assumptions about my motives. I am simply trying to make my parents happy (they want to see him more) and trying to give my son more love around him. I simply opened options and was denied. End of story I guess. They will see him twice a year until I get a job across the country.

If they wanted to see your kid, they'd come and see your kid. The reality is its not as important as whatever else they're doing. If it's really not about babysitting and if they only see him twice a year just buy plane tickets for them a couple of times a year or arrange for a family vacation to the beach etc annually where you invite (and pay for)them to come. To expect them to move minimizes the significance of the life they've built. We often don't actually know the financial situation of our aging parents.

Again, what you want is not the issue. They don't want to move and don't really seem to want to visit more. I suggest you build your own family and welcome them when they do come.

[Scooby Snacks]

Originally Posted by rosebyanothername

So what in the heck is wrong with your folks that they won't uproot their lives and go across country to live and be near you and their grandkids? Don't they love you? Don't they love their grandkids? They must not think very much of any of you or they would do exactly what you want and expect them to do!

Now read the above and pretend it is someone other than you and your situation. Can you see how ridiculous it sounds? (Although the "free rent" is a very nice and generous thought, it is still kind of a "bribe" to get them to do what you expect.

It is a sad fact of life that many of us folks get set in our ways as we get older. We are tired, our bones and bodies don't work like they used to and just going to the bathroom is a chore sometimes. Face it, most of us could feel better if we exercised, ate better and did other things to take care of ourselves, but heck, a lot of us are recuperating from all the fun "we" had when we were your age! So give us a break, why don't cha?

Seriously, OP....this falls under the change what you can change about yourself and don't try so hard--or at all for that matter--to change others. You are setting yourself up for years of disappointment and heartache which lead to resentment. Life's short. I made mine a lot shorter because of that "expectations" thingie.

+1. I bet the parents are suspecting OP has ulterior motives; free babysitting, perhaps? Few grandparents would want to live behind their kids's homes, even for free. That's too close for comfort. And what real advantage does it serve for them to move across the country for them to move into a retirement community they aren't sure they would like? They're happy where they are. I think they're just agreeing with you to get you to drop the subject. In a few years, it's likely they will change their minds.

[JanND]

Originally Posted by Mr_Geek

I live on one coast and my parents live on the other coast. I have a 2 year old son that they see 2x per year. They come once, we go to them once. I have been actively trying to find a job on their coast with no luck. I'm at a point where I need stability in my life. So I have been throwing some ideas at my parents to try and get them to come this coast.

They are old and set in their ways so no matter what I say they say "oh we can't do that!" like it's just a no brainer that it's a no. One of my suggestions was even to rent a property with a back house and they could live in it all year or part of a year if they want and I'd help them get there and back (financially).

They say how much they miss my son and how they are just dying to see him more but will make zero effort to get here more often. They are retired and I work so it's not quite as easy for me to get my family to them. I just think it's annoying that they love and miss him so much but won't take free rent for months on end in a guest house and free plane tickets to be nearer to him.

Then they say they'd move here permanently but can't afford housing. So I found a retirement community (they live in one now) where they could afford a place. And they said, oh we can't do that. It's just not gonna happen.

I really just wanted to rant a bit. Anyone in a similar situation, feel free to chime in. I'm continuing to look into getting a job by them but it isn't easy. The whole situation just sucks because my son always asks for them and they always want to see him.

You could set up skype so they could see each other and talk. I honestly think you are the one that needs to make the effort, they obviously have lived where they are, and you moved.
Being upset about them not wanting to "make more effort" is wasted energy. They are not the ones who should make more effort, it is all on you. No quilt, just fact.
Perhaps you could talk them into coming out and staying a bit longer, and when your son is older, he can stay longer during school vacations.
I hope that you can figure out a plan so that you can move back where you obviously want to be, but please stop blaming your folks, your child will pick this up, and so will your parents. Peace

[ERH]

Originally Posted by tlvancouver

If they wanted to see your kid, they'd come and see your kid. The reality is its not as important as whatever else they're doing. If it's really not about babysitting and if they only see him twice a year just buy plane tickets for them a couple of times a year or arrange for a family vacation to the beach etc annually where you invite (and pay for)them to come. To expect them to move minimizes the significance of the life they've built. We often don't actually know the financial situation of our aging parents.

Again, what you want is not the issue. They don't want to move and don't really seem to want to visit more. I suggest you build your own family and welcome them when they do come.

OP, I understand where you're coming from and agree with the comment above (and similar ones up thread). I grew up always hearing about the grandmother for whom I was named and who, sadly, died the year before I was born. My mother has always maintained that if this grandmother had lived, I would have been spoiled beyond belief. She always spoke of this with reverence, and I'd always thought that when the day arrived, she herself would be this kind of grandmother to my kids.

Sadly, this is not the case. She was great with them when they were babies/toddlers, but once they had "aged out," she didn't know how to relate to them anymore, so she didn't try at all. When my children were young, we lived in the same town, and for a while even lived on the same property, but her involvement and daily interaction with them did not improve, even with this close proximity.

Oddly enough, my husband's mother is exactly the same way. We've lived 15 minutes away from her for the last 12 years, and I can truthfully say she has seen/talked to them only 20-30 times.

We did not win the grandparent lottery, that's for sure, and it took me a long time to accept this and grieve the loss of the relationships my children could have had with their grandparents. Most of all, I am sad that the grandparents will never truly know my children, because they are great kids!

Ultimately, I think you need to accept that your parents, for whatever reason, simply do not want to have more of a relationship with your child than the one that exists now. It's their loss...but you feel this deeply, because you are sad and disappointed and just don't understand why they are doing this. It's a loss you need to grieve and come to terms with, since it does not appear likely to change.