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Are there people who you were once very close friends who you either broke away from, or had a major blow out? Do you run into them in public, make the necessary small talk and then run the other way as fast as you can? As both of you walk quickly away, you say to yourself: "what the hell was I thinking" OR: "What did I ever see in that person, how could the two of us ever been friends?"
Do you laugh at yourself when you think of some of the crazy or incompatible friends you had in years past?
Last edited by Chip Morton; 08-19-2015 at 12:37 PM..
It's laugh or cry! Yes, I've had some very dysfunctional relationships, moreso when I was young and didn't really understand the concept of boundaries. Once I figured out how to say "no" when appropriate or how to stick to my guns when it comes to personal boundaries, things lined out a lot better for me.
One thing that comes to my mind often is the question, "Does this person put the same emotional involvement and effort and consideration into the relationship that I do?" If not - well, that's OK, it's their choice, but that tells me a lot about how much effort and emotional involvement I need to put into the relationship.
I agree with KathrynAragon on how that happened more when I was younger. This is simply because the younger I was the more I was still coming into my own and wanting to experiment with different personalities/ideas - it helped me formulate who I became. When I think about it I had a wide circle of "close friends" who did not all get along.
As I got older my circle of "close friends" has gotten both smaller and stronger and I gravitate more to others of the same beliefs and outlook. This doesn't mean I don't interact with others who are different/don't share my values - but none of them are in my "close friends" circle.
Two come to mind for me. One was a thirty year friendship that I had to walk away from. She was selfish and kind of a rectum. I guess I just outgrew her. The last one I saw at work all the time before I quit last month. We weren't enemies but I told her the friendship was over. Her kids don't want anything to do with her either and she's divorced now. There was an element of mental illness with both of my ex-friends, and both of them were on the needy side. I guess it just wasn't my turn to babysit anymore. Especially the last one who I watched walk in front of a train financially but couldn't do anything to help. She wouldn't listen to the voice of reason from anyone. Ain't nobody got time for that.
This is an interesting question. I've definitely let friends go, but I can't think of even one where I'd say "What was I thinking?" The reason is, because they did have some redeeming qualities. I wouldn't have kept going back for more if there wasn't. There are things to love about them, but they weren't worth keeping as a friend. As KathrynAragon said, they just weren't giving equally to the relationship, or their lives were too full of drama they wanted to suck me into.
I wouldn't even mind running into them and I'd ask how they are and I would care. But, I wouldn't get enmeshed with them again. My family, on the other hand, I don't want to see ever again. But, those weren't friends I chose.
Sure, this has happened to me. As I've gotten older, my tolerance for bull-crap has decreased exponentially, so I've had to cut off the "dead wood" on numerous occasions. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
I can honestly say I don't look back and wonder if I did the right thing or not. The reason is because I don't throw away friendships without putting some serious thought into it, and so when I do decide to cut someone loose, I am confident in my decision.
Like I said, it boils down to whether or not they're investing as much time, energy, and selflessness into the relationship that they are expecting me to. If not - no bueno. I figure they're a pretty unfair person anyway and I don't need that sort of friendship in my life. Specifically the draining, needy types - OMG get away from me. Of course, over time everyone is going to hit a rough spot in their lives and need extra attention - I get that. It's the perpetual drama and self centeredness though that I have no patience for.
I have one friend in particular who is very high strung. She's also less self confident than I am. She can get needy pretty regularly, but you know why I maintain this friendship? It's because she is willing to give as much as she takes. In spite of her own issues (and we all have our own issues), she is very empathetic and insightful and is a good listener. So though she is usually more teary or more easily distraught than I am, which I do find tiring at times, she is very fair and has proven that on the rare occasions that I get riled up about something, she is more than willing to drop whatever she's doing to listen, to offer good advice, etc.
So though the percentages are not equal when it comes to emotional maintenance, her heart is in the right place - and she IS NOT SELFISH. I can really appreciate that.
I've never thought "what was I thinking?" about a platonic friendship. I can still think of why I was friends with pretty much anyone. Of course a friendship usually won't have as clear of an ending point as romantic relationships do, so that point where you went from being friends to not could stretch over a couple of years.
It's laugh or cry! Yes, I've had some very dysfunctional relationships, moreso when I was young and didn't really understand the concept of boundaries. Once I figured out how to say "no" when appropriate or how to stick to my guns when it comes to personal boundaries, things lined out a lot better for me.
One thing that comes to my mind often is the question, "Does this person put the same emotional involvement and effort and consideration into the relationship that I do?" If not - well, that's OK, it's their choice, but that tells me a lot about how much effort and emotional involvement I need to put into the relationship.
I've never really thought of these at all with regard to friendships (unless it turned out to be romantic). I just don't take platonic friendships quite that seriously, could very well be a flaw of mine.
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