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Neither you nor your cousin should get the ring. Get your own rings, and let your mother keep the ring for herself until SHE decides who she will give it to. It's her ring in the first place since she cared for her mother while she was sick and the aunt did not.
Actually, I took care of my grandmother while she was sick. My mother was in charge of her finances, but I did the rest since my job was more flexible at the time and allowed me to take off and do that.
Haha, I should know by now people on this site have very strong opinions. My cousin and I were both close to my grandmother. My cousins and I have always been very close.
My mother struggles with what to do with the ring. She wants to keep it because it was her mothers, and as mean as she was, it was the only mother she had. Now that my aunt has passed away, she has really realized that she has no one left in her family, and I know that bothers her. The ring sits in her jewelry box and she looks at it occasionally and is reminded of the good and bad memories associated with it. On the other hand, she also wants the ring to go to someone who will use it.
@Wmsn4Life - it has nothing to do with entitlement. No one in my family believes they are entitled to anything. If my mother decided to keep the ring for herself, no one would be mad or bitter. After the death of my aunt, everyone became that much closer.
The point of this thread was to ask what others thought, as I honestly had no one what to do with the ring. I found a beautiful ring that I love, and don't NEED this ring... but it was something that recently came up in a discussion since my cousin is getting married in December, and it's hard asking people who are involved in the situation in some way.
I'm a therapist, yet I find I turn to this site for unbiased suggestions, so that I can have someone who does not know me give an honest opinion. Sometimes I'll agree, other times I won't. Either way, I thank you for all your opinions and suggestions.
You know what? If I were you I would rise to the occasion. You and your mom have an opportunity to be generous toward people that you, by your own admission, love and feel very close to. You love your cousin. Your cousin was very close to her grandmother (also your grandmother). You've found a ring that you love. You don't need this ring. The ring causes stress to your mom.
Therefore I think your mom should make a beautiful gesture and give it to the cousin and be done with it. Maybe you and your mom should even offer to take your cousin out to lunch and give it to her together - wrapped in a beautiful little box. Can you imagine how happy that scene would be?
I heard some really good arguments for both sides but I disagree with taking the ring apart and giving half to each. It's an heirloom and should be kept intact for future generations to enjoy. Tradition would dictate that the eldest daughter should get the ring but tradition didn't play out in this situation. Who is the eldest cousin? Maybe a new tradition could be started with the ring. It could survive for generations and the ring could be bigger then it's monetary worth. Hopefully you took care of your grandmother out of love fsuOO and shouldn't expect the ring because of that. I had an elderly childless friend that I helped out for many years. She had a beautiful ring and engagement ring that she left to her niece, which by the way did nothing for her. I never expected it nor wanted it. I said I would love to have the wedding ring that the man who should have been my father gave her on their wedding day. It's a tiny gold band with next to zero monetary worth but the sentimental value is priceless. She gave it to me before she passed and I treasure it. They were very special people to me growing up and my salvation from a very dysfunctional childhood. In my opinion that's what the ring should stand for. Not something to be passed along, taken apart, and ruined. It belongs with whomever treasured the memory of your grandmother and that may not lie with tradition.
My aunt (my mother’s sister) and my mother inherited what little money my grandmother had left, everything was split 50/50; but anything valuable (ie. her wedding ring) was given to my mother.
If the intent of everyone was for things to be split 50/50 between your mother and her sister, how did your mother end up with everything valuable?
ETA: that sounds snarky but I'm really trying to understand what happened. Did your aunt get the cash equivalent of the valuable items including the ring? I think it makes a big difference in terms of what seems appropriate now - if you mom and aunt split the cash but your mom got all the jewelry on top of that, I think that's a very different scenario than if your aunt got $10K in cash and your mom got $10K of jewelry (obviously just making up those numbers)
it belongs to whoever your grandmother left it to.
My grandmother left me quite a few things. The executor of her will didn't abide by the will and kept things she had left for me.
They are things. My grandmother is gone. I hope he is enjoying them and it is on his conscious. I miss my grandma, not her stuff.
Do yourself a favor.....get a different ring. Let your mom and your cousin deal with the ring. That ring of your grandmother's will always have all that negative stuff attached to it with your cousin and other things you brought up. I sure wouldn't want to start out a new marriage worrying about all of that.
My grandfather left a rather large diamond ring that went to my father, his son-in-law. The cuts on the older rings were not up to the standards of today's gems and thus the value is very much less than one would think. Basically we are talking merely sentimental value for the most part. When my dad had the ring reset and recut it ended up half the size.
It's difficult to portion out family heirlooms. I believe your mother should keep the ring till her death as it has the most special meaning to her. As your cousin has already gotten your grandmother's good dishes it would seem fair that you get the ring at a later date since you had taken over her day to day care. It's the sentimental value that counts and most probably a lot less monetary reward that all parties presume.
You know what? If I were you I would rise to the occasion. You and your mom have an opportunity to be generous toward people that you, by your own admission, love and feel very close to. You love your cousin. Your cousin was very close to her grandmother (also your grandmother). You've found a ring that you love. You don't need this ring. The ring causes stress to your mom.
Therefore I think your mom should make a beautiful gesture and give it to the cousin and be done with it. Maybe you and your mom should even offer to take your cousin out to lunch and give it to her together - wrapped in a beautiful little box. Can you imagine how happy that scene would be?
Not sure this is a hill worth dying on.
I'd have already given it to her.
But "things" don't mean much to me, not really.
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If the intent of everyone was for things to be split 50/50 between your mother and her sister, how did your mother end up with everything valuable?
ETA: that sounds snarky but I'm really trying to understand what happened. Did your aunt get the cash equivalent of the valuable items including the ring? I think it makes a big difference in terms of what seems appropriate now - if you mom and aunt split the cash but your mom got all the jewelry on top of that, I think that's a very different scenario than if your aunt got $10K in cash and your mom got $10K of jewelry (obviously just making up those numbers)
Money was split 50/50. My mother got the china (which was given to my cousin) and the ring... to be fair, my grandmother probably would have sold the ring before giving it to my mother or my aunt because she was just a nasty person that way and didn't like to see people happy. My grandmother never stated who should get it.
I haven't read all the posts so if I'm repeating someone they must be very intelligent.
There is no beauty in something with such negativity attached to it. Let it go. Tell your mom to give it to your cousin. Too late for a wedding ring apparently but maybe as a necklace? Anyway, get it out of your life. You deserve better.
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