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And that would mean no passive-aggressive game-playing like pretending to be drunk or talking nonsense.
I get that it's a natural impulse when irritated but over time it will just add one more impediment to an adult, open and honest relationship with her.
Some suggestions were to be very vague or avoid the topic, which seems like viable responses as well. Passive-aggressive, yes, but diffuses situations.
I don't see any reason for being irritated about being asked questions about our individual heritages or races. It's all something we have no responsibility for or control over at all. It's our behavior that we are responsible for.
Who knows - maybe she's in early stages of Alzheimer's or has a brain tumor? Maybe she's trying to deliberately make you angry but I doubt that most MILs really want to do that. Maybe she's a little clueless or doesn't know how to form the question she wants to ask and, sensing your touchiness about it, hopes that if she asks "why" enough you'll tell her whatever it is she's trying to learn about you.
Instead of guessing I suppose you could come right out and ask her the reason. But if you want to put this behind you I wouldn't go there.
I think you're on the right track when you say you want to have a continuing respectful relationship with her. The solution? Stop dwelling on what really are minor irritations and focus on your goal instead. It's a good and honorable one.
If you stay married any length of time this won't be the first or last time you'll be disturbed by your MIL. It just goes with the territory.
Well, I have explained this to her all before in detail. No, she is very healthy and 53 years old; no brain tumors (that I know of) or Alzheimer's. I opened up to her about it, and mentioned that there has been racism we have experienced and told her all about the family. I mentioned I do not share this with everyone. So, I thought explaining this to her she appreciated. But I realize I don't think she heard anything I said.
I may just let some time pass, continue doing what I was doing and make sure I avoid the topic as much as possible.
Please read this all the way through before you freak out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jabber_wocky
It will take maturity on her part as well.
The fact that you just started off with this shows that you have a LONG way to go.
Look, you cannot control her. You can only control YOU. And even reading these replies is going to take a lot more maturity on your part.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jabber_wocky
I feel that I have been as mature as I could have in this situation especially since I graciously and politely answered her questions over and over. And if it does seem that I am hurt, because there is a long history tied into people questioning our ethnicity that you are unaware of and maybe you have not experienced. As a mixed race person, we should not be pelted with questions like this and expect to feel good about it just because others are ignorant and/or do not understand.
She and I sat down before over tea and I explained to her my background and my family relations. I too have concerns and preconceptions, some of which are probably not founded. But I believe there is a way to politely ask someone a question, especially when it deals directly with ethnicity. It's like asking an Asian: do they eat dogs? That is a question, but is that a polite one to ask?
If I have explained in detail my ethnicity to you before and what it meant to me, the percentage of my Asian heritage, the history of my family, why do I need to explain why I am going to my family's country three times? I guess I thought we covered that in detail before.
You have not been as mature as you could have. Your being mixed race is not an immutable defense, and you really need to stop throwing that up here.
Unless you can find a "mixed-race forum" where EVERYONE knows exactly how you feel ...
What you DO have here is a mix of people who have had experience with difficult relationships, which is what you have. So we DO understand.
This person is important to a person who is very important to you, and you need to tread very carefully and very patiently.
The fact that you just started off with this shows that you have a LONG way to go.
Look, you cannot control her. You can only control YOU. And even reading these replies is going to take a lot more maturity on your part.
You have not been as mature as you could have. Your being mixed race is not an immutable defense, and you really need to stop throwing that up here.
Unless you can find a "mixed-race forum" where EVERYONE knows exactly how you feel ...
What you DO have here is a mix of people who have had experience with difficult relationships, which is what you have. So we DO understand.
This person is important to a person who is very important to you, and you need to tread very carefully and very patiently.
I have read your response. No, being mixed race is not a immutable defense but nor is ignorance; but there are things that are attached to this that is difficult to explain or understand. And I write that because it is an important piece to this puzzle. So yes, I will keep putting that up there.
Part of the reasons why I am questioned is because I do not look outwardly Asian and therefore I get interrogated often. I am not saying no one can understand this, but that is why it is a touchy subject for me at times and has been for my mother as well. So, it is not as cut and dry as what you make it out to be. I posted this thread giving as much background as I could and explain why it bothered me. So, if that is a part you do not have experience with, then please focus on the piece that you do, and let me post the pieces of information that I feel are important to paint a complete picture for others. And no, I do not believe because others do not understand someone's background they should be subjected with mean and rude questions. And if there is a question, there is always a polite way to ask that doesn't sound insensitive or racist.
You do not need to place in emoticons rolling eyes and etc in your responses, if you want to drive home how I lack maturity. Because from my perspective, it sounds like you may lack it as well. But, I am not judging you too much because I have no idea who you are. You are just text on a screen. Since we have never met, the only information you have about me is this thread. So keep that in mind.
And I posted this thread because my husband is important to me and I would not ever want to compromise his relationship with his mother. And I will still say, she will need to also bring her maturity and listening ears as well. No one needs to explain themselves over and over again. Mutual respect is important. Maturity goes both ways.
Thank you for your responses. This is the beauty of a forum, I can get opinions and viewpoints from many people, all walks of life and ages.
Last edited by jabber_wocky; 09-07-2015 at 02:59 PM..
I just realized none of you can relate and do not know how offensive it is to have to explain something like family heritage to the same people over and over. And watch their faces as they twist it up in disgust because they don't understand. Tone does mean something and so does facial expressions. I have had people ask me why I was going to Korea out of legitimate curiosity, and their tone and expression is that of curiosity. I also wasn't asked different ways about it a third time. I also did not need to explain my heritage to them. If I did lightly tell them about it, I wasn't questioned deeper.
Like I said, ask me once, hey, no problem at all and I am glad to answer for you and I will do it with a smile. Ask me three times about the same thing, and expecting me to substantiate how Asian I am to you, who, what , when , why where, so it makes more sense in your mind, yes I am offended.
I haven't gotten through all the posts yet, so if someone else says the same thing that I do, my apologies.
The way I see it, it's up to your husband to talk to his mother about this. He needs to take a united front with you and tell his mother that he dislikes the way she speaks to you.
On a side note, I recall your past posts about how you weren't sure about part of your ancestry. So, out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking---did you get a DNA test done like you were talking about doing?
I haven't gotten through all the posts yet, so if someone else says the same thing that I do, my apologies.
The way I see it, it's up to your husband to talk to his mother about this. He needs to take a united front with you and tell his mother that he dislikes the way she speaks to you.
On a side note, I recall your past posts about how you weren't sure about part of your ancestry. So, out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking---did you get a DNA test done like you were talking about doing?
I have always known that we were Asian, but did not have contact with grandfather or those relatives. I was also curious to see if there was Native American in there like we were told for years. Found out, there is no Native American ancestry at all and confirmed Asian heritage from Korea and Northern China. I am happy that I did it and even found out our bloodline is from Nigeria and Sudan. The DNA test cleared up any questions that I had. Even confirmed the rumors about Caucasian heritage from post-slavery time. Found out that we have a small percentage of English blood.
This person is important to a person who is very important to you, and you need to tread very carefully and very patiently.
I really think OP HAS treaded carefully, and is choosing to take the high road. This, despite the fact that her MIL has continued to say inappropriate things, even after OP has tried to steer her gently in another direction.
Sometimes, OP, my husband and I have had friends or relatives who say inappropriate things or who otherwise rub us the wrong way. We just escape to the kitchen, and make fun of them behind their back. "Did you hear what she said to me?" My SIL is famous for that, but she's my DHs only sibling, so we just let her slide.
I am African American and Korean. I identify as both and I always have and always will. My husband (he is white) and I recently traveled to Korea to experience what it is like and to see the country because I have never been there before. Now that I have a career I can afford occasional international travel and thought it would be nice. The trip was an absolute adventure and we loved it.
Problem is, mother-in law interrogated me about why I wanted to go to that particular country and I did not like that. What also bothered me is once we got home she did not care to hear about our trip but asked "Did you miss American food?" She really had no input and was silent when we told her about the wonderful things we seen there.
Here is how the line of questioning went before our trip more than once:
Mom: Why are you going?
Me: We have time off and it will be a fun little trip. I plan to see the temples, eat lots of great food, buy clothing and-
Mom: NO, I am asking you why Korea? Why not somewhere else?
Me: Oh, because I have always wanted to see Korea and what it is like there. I have experienced Korean-American life, but I would imagine life there is different. I explained to her how we were raised and briefly about my heritage.
Mom: Oh, so, you want to experience your culture. I just did not understand because most people go to Australia, Italy or England, and I suppose it is MY culture, so that's where I would have preferred to go. So that's all you have to say, to experience your own culture.
Mom: Do you plan to see your relatives or something?
Me: No, I do not.
Mom: awkward silence
Why do I need to keep explaining myself? I am answering this question again for the third time. The tone was not of curiosity, but of confusion and judgement and that's why I am uncomfortable.
I want to remain respectful to my mother-in-law but I have to admit I do not know how to approach this without potentially burning a bridge. Thoughts please?
Give it back to her mate tell her f u c k off honky and see what her response is LOL
If you do take it seriously I'm certain she will stop after you've said that!!! 😂
I have always known that we were Asian, but did not have contact with grandfather or those relatives. I was also curious to see if there was Native American in there like we were told for years. Found out, there is no Native American ancestry at all and confirmed Asian heritage from Korea and Northern China. I am happy that I did it and even found out our bloodline is from Nigeria and Sudan. The DNA test cleared up any questions that I had. Even confirmed the rumors about Caucasian heritage from post-slavery time. Found out that we have a small percentage of English blood.
I'm so glad to hear that you did the DNA test! You learn so much about yourself. I know first hand having taken a DNA test myself.
J_W, unlike some other people here I see judgments and insults in what she said, but I still think you should let it go. The main point is her prejudices are deep-seated and she's been around long enough to have had them for years. NOTHING you say is going to convince her that it's a good idea for you to take "her little boy" somewhere she thinks of as unnecessary, uninteresting, and possibly dangerous. Any time she tries to bait you with conversations like this, change the subject.
I personally have a lot of experience with this, having had the prototype for Archie Bunker as my father. Dad took good care of his children, educated us, and treated us well. But sad to say he was a narrow-minded, low-information person with absurd prejudices. He was an Irish-American Catholic who believed that him marrying my Eastern European-American Catholic mother proved he was accepting of other cultures.
I remember when I first started to travel abroad him criticizing my choices. "What do you want to go there for? You should buy a house if you have that much money." I tried to engage him about my trips to no avail. I asked him once if he won a free trip to Ireland wouldn't he want to see the land his ancestors were from. His reply? "Why would I want to go there? My people left Ireland for a reason." He had the crazy food ideas, too. "Are you going to be able to eat there?" he would ask. Seriously? It became a huge joke in my family that every country I went to I would take a photo of a McDonald's so Dad could see there was "something to eat" wherever I went.
One of the hardest lessons for me to learn in life is when people hold on to ridiculous, unproven ideas, even easy-to-follow and verify FACTS don't change their minds. They hold these ideas for some emotional reason that plays as good sense in their minds. And they are not deterred by logic or reason. They usually surround themselves with people (and media) that reinforce their biases. So most of the time you are just wasting your breath if you try to challenge them. They think they know everything that needs to be known and your opinions fall on deaf ears.
When you are with your MIL and she takes this turn with you, just change the subject decisively. My father learned, long before he died, that there were certain subjects he just didn't bring up around me. You can at least teach your MIL that with reinforcement. And remember that your very presence as a good family member in your husband's tribe is teaching the younger generation that people are, deep down, not all that different from each other.
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Please read this all the way through before you freak out.
