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Old 09-16-2015, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Hampton Roads
3,032 posts, read 4,716,820 times
Reputation: 4425

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This is kind of stupid, but here is a little backstory.

My grandma is 90 years old and my aunt has been living with her since my pap passed away. I guess it is mutually beneficial to both because my grandma has some company and my aunt doesn't have to pay for rent or food out of her retail supervisor paycheck anymore. However, 70K of my grandma's money went missing. Around this time, one of my aunt's sons bought four cars, took multiple cruises, bought a few guns, a home addition, and a nice gun safe. He and his wife are both employed, but she is a medical receptionist and he makes a good living running heavy machinery, but nothing where they could afford all of that. The timing of these large purchases is at least very suspicious. We all have our suspicions that he did it, but no one ever called him on it.

I recently got married and live in Virginia, while originally from Pennsylvania. I booked my wedding in May 2014 for June 2015 and gave plenty of notice. I told everyone informally and sent out cards 8 months in advance. My aunt, who I had a good relationship with growing up, had promised to save some time off to get down and to help her brother bring my grandma down for my wedding.

And then my aunt's other son and his wife got pregnant and planned a babyshower that made it so my aunt could no longer come to my wedding and it caused a lot of stress to my grandma about having to miss an event. There was a few weeks span where she wasn't sure she'd be able to get to the wedding. I politely asked them to please move their date to another one and that if I could, I would have changed my wedding date but I could not. I stated they had plenty of advanced warning to not do this and that with her due date in mid August and my wedding in mid-June, there was a win-win situation for everybody in there. The response I got was essentially, "No, we picked the most convenient date for everybody." I am not sure what is more inconvenient than a conflict with a family wedding, but whatever. I feel like I reached out, because I was sick of no one calling out this set of cousins on their behavior and I wanted to be the one to say, "Look, this is not okay. Re-do it."

In the weeks that followed, there were photos of his wife brewing beer for the baby shower, talking about how the date would be the best day of her life or whatever. I felt taunted. My brother wrote on one, "Hey send your cousin a pony keg as a wedding gift." which was pretty funny. They are super religious (she is a minister's daughter, my cousin is more of a fake religious if that makes sense) and deleted that comment because they didn't want their church friends to know what they were doing, I think.

Finally, after my wedding, I saw photos of her baby shower with wine, beer, and no kids allowed. I saw that my aunt had to cater this whole thing but was in none of the photos. I wrote, "Looks like a cool party."

Since then, I have been blocked by my cousin's wife on facebook (not a huge loss there, honestly. she is the type of woman I don't really like). My aunt, though, has since unfriended me. After the birth of the baby, I sent a congratulations card and heard that she was complaining about cards with no gifts sent from family members who have the money...

Now, whenever I call my grandma, if my aunt answers I feel like I have to hang up. My mom has shared pictures of the wedding with her to show my grandma (i have so many great pics with her!) and I have gotten mad about it. I guess my feeling is if she had to go to that extreme, she doesn't need any updates on me.

I am getting ready to go up to see my grandma for a visit. I can get a hotel and stuff, but that seems extreme. I don't really know how to gloss over this with my aunt who lives at my grandmother's house. It's at a point, where, like I said I'm not talking to her, nor do I want my mother to talk to her ABOUT me. I guess I feel like she should have stepped in and said, "This isn't right."

I am not sure how to best navigate this relationship while I am there. Any advice on how to smooth over a rift where I am sure there are hurt feelings on both sides?
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Old 09-16-2015, 07:56 AM
 
Location: 89052 & 75206
8,099 posts, read 8,244,868 times
Reputation: 19900
Ask you mother to contact her Mom and sister to schedule your visit. After its scheduled, phone and confirm. Then just go. So much of what gets complicated in relationships is when people are communicating thru emails and facebook.

Congrats on your wedding. I bet it was beautiful....
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Old 09-16-2015, 09:29 AM
 
Location: Hampton Roads
3,032 posts, read 4,716,820 times
Reputation: 4425
Yes - I have called my grandmother about the trip a few times, considering it is HER house in HER name that has been paid off for like 50 years! My parents actually live out west now, so I feel like I visit my grandmother now because she gets very lonely....and I have the ability to make a six hour drive! My brother and sister and I are the only grandkids who call her to talk to her. And hopefully I can get my brother to come along with me, but this aunt has also defriended him as well! All because we told her son what he was doing was hurtful and not right.

I just feel like there is this huge elephant in the room... one being that you're right! My aunt didn't even tell me herself she wasn't coming to my wedding. In fact, my cousin told me over a Facebook status that he wasn't coming to our wedding bc that is when their baby shower was. It all felt very deliberate, to be honest. I also feel like I am harboring resentment. I know had this been any of my other cousin's weddings, their feelings would have been considered. I guess I knew when I invited them, they wouldn't come. I just didn't think he would keep his mom from coming. And in a way, I wish she would have just called me and told me herself and said she was sorry about it or something! I sent a thank you card for the small gift she sent (she bought a recipe book and wrote in a total of two recipes before she got mad and my grandma brought it with her).

When I was about 6, one of my older sisters passed away... and when I was 12, this cousin said he was upset that we got attention for it when she was also important to him. It is just bizarre, I guess.... like he is holding some sort of weird childhood grudge against us or that we somehow don't matter because my parents moved us to Virginia while we were in high school.
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Old 09-16-2015, 09:45 AM
 
13,498 posts, read 18,102,786 times
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This comment is going to be no help at all on your question I am afraid.

But it would be wonderful if when you went you could take your wedding dress, and put it on in another room and then show yourself to grandma. I think she would be thrilled.

I hope you work this out even if it means just play-acting your way through it; most of all I hope that your visit to your grandmother is just wonderful. This is about you and her, and the rest of that family are ants at the picnic.
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Old 09-16-2015, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Hampton Roads
3,032 posts, read 4,716,820 times
Reputation: 4425
Yes - luckily my wedding has since passed and my grandma was able to attend! We had to struggle to work it out in ways that we shouldn't have had to, but I was lucky my other grandma lives in the same town.... and my uncle from the other side of the family flew in from Colorado and drove them both down!

It was some very stressful couple of weeks at the time, filled with a lot of anger on my end for them making it so difficult. They had the date for six months to avoid this type of scenario. I didn't think she should have been put in a position of having to choose any one person's thing over another thing.

I have just never been blocked on facebook before and find it a little passive-aggressive towards a situation I didn't intend! My cousin is mad my gram missed their baby shower and it is another point of contention that my brother, sister, and I are the "favorites."

I guess I habor a little resentment because that was my greatest point of stress through the whole thing... and I know had I done that, my parents sure as heck would have told me not to, that I was being selfish, that I shouldn't do that. Instead, it just feels like a huge squabble over events that are in the past.... but no one is working to move on from it (and I admit, myself included on that because if she answers the phone I feel uncomfortable).

This would be my first time going up in about eight months and the first time since being "unfriended."
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Old 09-16-2015, 10:39 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,827,234 times
Reputation: 3171
If they have made no effort to make amends with you, then I would say move on. Be polite when they are around & try not to bring up the wedding or the baby shower. I understand its really tough when you have so much suppressed anger. But they are not worth it. Focus on your new life & new family instead. In future try to bring your grandma to stay with you for a few days rather than you staying there. Maybe they are resentful towards you because of something you or your siblings or mom might have said to them. If they are really important to you & its bothering you then have an open talk with them in person, not on phone or facebook. See if your families can let go of your differences & move on. There are new people added to your families like your cousin's baby, your husband & you would want everyone to get along. I would really like to hear their side of story to see what made them so mad that they blocked you on facebook. That's a sign that they don't want you involved in their life at all. Maybe there was some miscommunication. If its bothering you then try to clear the air. You might have unintentionally hurt someone's feelings or got too involved or judgmental with them.
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Old 09-16-2015, 11:11 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,460,112 times
Reputation: 18184
Passive aggression, old wounds and greed. Your expectations a bit high for a family suspected of entitlement to 70k from what sounds like an unassuming, inert 90yr old. The stories not unique and any attempt to sort it all out a waste of time. Experienced much of the same within my own family. Only advice I can offer, when people show you who and what they're about, believe them. Don't reach out, its them, not you. Get a hotel, see grandma, smile and be superficial if need be
My advice, not to address the issue.

Last edited by virgode; 09-16-2015 at 11:25 AM..
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Old 09-16-2015, 05:24 PM
 
469 posts, read 396,453 times
Reputation: 1810
And don't mention the unfriending. If she mentions, it, say "Oh, you unfriended me? I didn't even notice." Act like nothing's wrong on your end. It will make them nuts
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Old 09-17-2015, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Hampton Roads
3,032 posts, read 4,716,820 times
Reputation: 4425
Quote:
Originally Posted by theluckygal View Post
If they have made no effort to make amends with you, then I would say move on. Be polite when they are around & try not to bring up the wedding or the baby shower. I understand its really tough when you have so much suppressed anger. But they are not worth it. Focus on your new life & new family instead. In future try to bring your grandma to stay with you for a few days rather than you staying there. Maybe they are resentful towards you because of something you or your siblings or mom might have said to them. If they are really important to you & its bothering you then have an open talk with them in person, not on phone or facebook. See if your families can let go of your differences & move on. There are new people added to your families like your cousin's baby, your husband & you would want everyone to get along. I would really like to hear their side of story to see what made them so mad that they blocked you on facebook. That's a sign that they don't want you involved in their life at all. Maybe there was some miscommunication. If its bothering you then try to clear the air. You might have unintentionally hurt someone's feelings or got too involved or judgmental with them.
I actually know what made them so mad that they blocked me, but I don't really get it. After I asked them nicely to move the baby shower by saying I was certain within a 2 week standard deviation there is a date in there where everyone wins, I said to them that it honestly didn't suprise me, but that I was disappointed by it. Then, when she was posting photos of brewing beer while pregnant for her baby shower, my brother made a joke that they should send a pony keg down for me as a wedding gift (which I admit was publicly telling people exactly what they were doing). I know this made them mad, because my aunt asked my mom why her children couldn't have just left it alone. Then, my aunt said said all of this stress would make her lose the baby. This sounds dumb, but she quit her job as soon as she found out she was pregnant and I have known many women who have dealt with the stress of their respective careers while being pregnant.

I guess... she is someone who had a party to announce her pregnancy, a gender reveal party, and a huge baby shower at a winery so I should have known to not even ask because asking would be deemed "stressful". But I think she got even more mad when other aunts/uncles/other cousins all chose to attend my wedding instead of their shower.

I think it is silly of me to think I am not welcome at my grandma's house because of my aunt. I guess the more I talk it out here, I realize that while that aunt may live there -- she is as much of a guest in that house as I am! (my aunt isn't a caretaker or anything. my grandma still cooks/cleans her own home/plays some mean games of cards/roots for the Phillies)
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Old 09-17-2015, 01:00 PM
 
9,446 posts, read 6,527,595 times
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Maybe you could just take your grandma out somewhere without your aunt when you get there.
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