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Old 09-16-2015, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Kansas City
19 posts, read 23,458 times
Reputation: 78

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Congratulations on this first, small step of posting your note on this forum. Lots of good advice here. I especially agree with the reply about opening your own bank account.

Life is yours for the taking. Life doesn't last forever, so don't wait forever. You need to be careful and rational in your decisions, but the world is big and beautiful, and unpredictable. The best things in life don't always make sense. Think things through, be respectful and kind to your relatives, and then go with your heart. Good luck!
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Old 09-16-2015, 03:18 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,599 posts, read 1,797,958 times
Reputation: 4917
Quote:
Originally Posted by gurz11 View Post
Yes I still live with my parents. They don't believe in the idea of children moving out until they are married, so this will not be happening anytime soon.

I have a full-time job, but I don't control my own finances. My parents and I have a joint bank account, and whatever we all earn goes there. They use my money, I use theirs. It's all one thing.

Culturally speaking, I have no idea what my identity is, honestly. I know that might sound weird, but I don't have a sense of self.

I agree. I also told them they if they really wanted to just cage me from the world, they should have sent me back home. That way at least I wouldn't have a notion of what it meant to have freedom either, and would be normalized to these cultural ways. Sigh.
Wow. You need to break away. Do not stay with them until you get married, because then you will NEVER find yourself. You will go from somebody's daughter to somebody's wife, never independent single. Honestly I would take the tough love route. Take a day off of work WITHOUT telling them, go to the bank and set up your own account, then go apartment hunting. Sign the first place YOU like that's in your budget. Move out when they aren't home. They will be furious, but just stay away from them until they have calmed down. I like what the above poster said about telling them "I'm sorry this upsets you, but this is best for me.' Hopefully they will realize quickly that being a PART of your life is more important than having control it. Then you'll need to setup boundaries. Tell them if they try to have guilt filled conversations, then you will leave or hang up the phone. And stick to it. My dad is a very condescending person. Anytime he starts talking like an *******, I just get up and walk out of the room or say bye and hang up. It works. After a few times, he started realizing he just can't dump on me anymore so he is better about what he says.

As far as your culture. I would consider you an American if Eastern descent. Research the culture and country of your parent's origin and EMBRACE the good things. Learn how to cook the food, read about notable people, add some cultural decor to your new home, and realize EVERY culture has bad aspects, so blend the good stuff from your two cultures together. You don't have to be either or.
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Old 09-16-2015, 08:51 PM
 
Location: Prosper
6,255 posts, read 16,995,712 times
Reputation: 9501
It just baffles me that people like the OP exist.

By age 24, I'd graduated college 200-some miles away from my parents, had a condo of my own, two cars, and a live-in girlfriend. My parents hadn't made any decisions about my life since I was 20... They were paying a student loan for me, and I was paying the others. Other than that, the last time they'd made a decision affecting my life was when I was 16 and they helped me buy a car.

What are you going to do when your parents are gone and you have no one to tell you what to do? I guess on the bright side (for you), you are not alone. There are lots of 20-something's still living at home, and not making any decisions about their lives either. You at least have a job. If you want out, you need to start saving your money and put it in an account of your own, and move out.

You're never going to have personal freedom until you have personal space, and right now, it sounds like you live in a commune where there is nothing personal and everything is shared.
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Old 09-16-2015, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,619,721 times
Reputation: 98359
I don't get the feeling the OP had much say in it.

She was trained to be this way. It's who she is, and someone who believes the load that she's been fed all these years is just not able pull up her bootstraps and move 200 miles away.

She didn't put herself in this situation, and she's gonna need help to get out.
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Old 09-16-2015, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
4,525 posts, read 3,386,722 times
Reputation: 6030
Quote:
Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr View Post
It just baffles me that people like the OP exist.

By age 24, I'd graduated college 200-some miles away from my parents, had a condo of my own, two cars, and a live-in girlfriend. My parents hadn't made any decisions about my life since I was 20... They were paying a student loan for me, and I was paying the others. Other than that, the last time they'd made a decision affecting my life was when I was 16 and they helped me buy a car.

What are you going to do when your parents are gone and you have no one to tell you what to do? I guess on the bright side (for you), you are not alone. There are lots of 20-something's still living at home, and not making any decisions about their lives either. You at least have a job. If you want out, you need to start saving your money and put it in an account of your own, and move out.

You're never going to have personal freedom until you have personal space, and right now, it sounds like you live in a commune where there is nothing personal and everything is shared.
A lot of people in their 20's live with their parents nowadays. It's nothing out of the ordinary. I'm going to be 25 in November, and I definitely plan to move out sometime next year or so.
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Old 09-16-2015, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Florida Baby!
7,682 posts, read 1,262,661 times
Reputation: 5032
Quote:
Originally Posted by gurz11 View Post
I am trying to make little decisions, but it's hard because my brain is so wired into thinking how the consequences of all my decisions will make them feel.
Know this: You are NOT responsible for your parents feelings--they are.

I can somewhat relate to this because because I grew up in an authoritarian household, and my mother especially was verbally and emotionally abusive. No matter what I did it was never good enough for her.
It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I finally dawned on me that my folks would never accept me for ME--and that it was OK--I realized I didn't need their approval to live my life. Oddly, once I fully embraced this realization, getting along with my folks was actually easier because they no longer had any control over me.

I would encourage you to seek counseling because right now you're living a skewed reality, and you need someone to help you readjust your "compass."

If you strike out on your own will you make mistakes? You betcha--but that does not make you a bad person. Eventually your folks will come around--and if they don't it'll be their loss.
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Old 09-16-2015, 09:45 PM
 
Location: Barrington
63,919 posts, read 46,483,367 times
Reputation: 20674
Quote:
Originally Posted by gurz11 View Post
Yes I still live with my parents. They don't believe in the idea of children moving out until they are married, so this will not be happening anytime soon.

I have a full-time job, but I don't control my own finances. My parents and I have a joint bank account, and whatever we all earn goes there. They use my money, I use theirs. It's all one thing.

Culturally speaking, I have no idea what my identity is, honestly. I know that might sound weird, but I don't have a sense of self.

I agree. I also told them they if they really wanted to just cage me from the world, they should have sent me back home. That way at least I wouldn't have a notion of what it meant to have freedom either, and would be normalized to these cultural ways. Sigh.

Have you considered some therapy to help you find your own identity and most importantly, set some healthy mature boundaries for yourself.

You deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
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Old 09-16-2015, 09:51 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,959,953 times
Reputation: 50789
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I sincerely recommend that you speak to a professional mental healthcare provider. I know a young man like this and his inability to make a decision is crippling for him. He has now spent a couple of years trying to convince himself to leave town to go to college and has made his entire family miserable. He wants to go, but he's afraid it's not the right decision. He, too, constantly calls his parents for affirmation of every choice. His mother still buys his clothes for him. He's never had a girlfriend or even been on a date and I suspect it's because he constantly questions whether his parents will like whoever it is.

Anyway, I think a good therapist could help you develop some decision-making strategies. You already seem to understand the issue. Now you just need some tools.

Good luck.
I agree with this. The combination of your parents' interference in your development and possibly your own personality have made you feel insecure. I think you need to find a family therapist who can assist you in learning how to think about your decisions. I do think you made a poor decision when you caved to their demands about your college major, but it sounds as if you were under a lot of pressure to do so.

You should not be living your life like this. It is not normal. You need to learn how to be an independent woman, especially before becoming involved in a relationship.

If you live at home, I think a good goal for you would be to find an apartment and move out on your own. Find a therapist who can help you, step by step, achieve that goal.

Your parents have not helped you grow up. So, now you are going to have to learn how to do this all by yourself.

I want to wish you good luck in this journey.
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Old 09-17-2015, 08:22 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,827,234 times
Reputation: 3171
Quote:
Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr View Post
It just baffles me that people like the OP exist.
Yes they do exist, especially children of immigrants from conservative countries whose parents are trying to hold on to their roots. They have a close circle of immigrant friends & they try to make their kids like the kids back home. Often, they fail badly because the kids are American & want to be independent. Sooner or later OP will rebel & move out. Its not possible to live a double life here. If you are so close to your roots then you should have never left your country or you should go back. Trying to find a balance between opposite cultures leads to several conflicts within family. Its often the kids who suffer the most & constantly have to switch between different value systems. Their true identity takes a long time to develop.
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Old 09-17-2015, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Central Virginia
6,515 posts, read 8,307,205 times
Reputation: 18589
Quote:
Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr View Post
It just baffles me that people like the OP exist.

By age 24, I'd graduated college 200-some miles away from my parents, had a condo of my own, two cars, and a live-in girlfriend. My parents hadn't made any decisions about my life since I was 20... They were paying a student loan for me, and I was paying the others. Other than that, the last time they'd made a decision affecting my life was when I was 16 and they helped me buy a car.

What are you going to do when your parents are gone and you have no one to tell you what to do? I guess on the bright side (for you), you are not alone. There are lots of 20-something's still living at home, and not making any decisions about their lives either. You at least have a job. If you want out, you need to start saving your money and put it in an account of your own, and move out.

You're never going to have personal freedom until you have personal space, and right now, it sounds like you live in a commune where there is nothing personal and everything is shared.
She's not the typical 20-something living at home. OP was raised by controlling parents in an oppressed environment. She doesn't know of any other way of life.
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