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My paternal grandmother is 89 and in a nursing home with Alzheimer's.
She is my last living grandparent, and we were close when I was younger. Over recent years we've had the type of relationship where you call every couple of weeks and visit at holidays since we live about 2.5 hours apart. Now she of course doesn't know me.
Her relationship with my dad has ALWAYS been strained, and it worsened when he and my mom got married almost 50 years ago. Over the years the animosity between her and my mom has been tense, just below the surface, while my dad tries to play the calm middleman. My parents, who are pretty good at being victims, always viewed their problems as unsolvable and wrote it off as Grandma being selfish. I can see how they contribute to the drama and have tried to offer helpful advice over the years, but inevitably I defer to my dad to deal with his relationship with his own mom. She really is a piece of work and not the easiest person to be around, but she fawned over me and so my perspective, as a grandchild, is different from his, as a son.
After her second husband died and her health worsened Grandma depended more on this slightly younger next-door neighbor couple who became like caretakers. And frankly my dad did not mind letting them do it. She and this couple had been neighbors for almost 30 years, and after one bad falling out with my dad a couple of years ago, my grandma gave the male neighbor power of attorney.
Grandma is not rich. My parents aren't interested in inheritance or anything like that, and when I, at the neighbor's invitation, went up to clean out my grandmother's house when she moved into the nursing home, my parents didn't even want to go. They didn't want any possessions or photos or anything.
So now I am anticipating the funeral, and with our family being VERY small, most of the people who might attend would be neighbors from her small town. MAYBE one or two very distant cousins could travel from out of town, but it's doubtful.
I can see the possibility of there being some conflict and possible confrontation at the funeral, as neighbors may make comments to my dad that he didn't take care of his mom. The neighbor did as much while I was there cleaning out her house. Frankly, I don't want to deal with that. My grandmother would be the only person I would want to see, and she won't "be" there.
I also think my mom could pressure me to go "in support" of my dad, but I honestly don't agree with the way he has handled this situation over the years and just, as they say these days, "can't even."
I guess I could go either way, but I would appreciate any thoughts from those who have experienced something similar.
Honestly, it sounds as though you are trying to validate your choice here.
I can't see not attending because your father might be put on the hot seat. Let him handle it however he wants.
Your grandmother was good to you, and that's why you should be there, even if you are the only one to represent the family.
Good advice. If there are problems let your dad handle them.
There may be people there, such as other neighbors, church friends, friends of your grandmothers or children of friends of your grandmother who would love to see you and to share a story about your grandmother and offer condolences.
You loved your grandmother and have been a good granddaughter. When she dies, go to the funeral to pay your respects to her. Let your dad worry about his relationship with the neighbors. You just keep smiling and nodding. Think of a few non-committal phrases to trot out if anyone tries to engage you. If someone says something about your dad not being their for your grandmother, try something like, "Their relationship was complicated and I don't really feel like it's any of my business" or "It's hard to know what goes on inside any relationship." Keep smiling and nodding.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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FWIW, I only went to my maternal grandmothers funeral. My paternal grandparents died before I was born and the only reason i didn't make it to my maternal grandfather's funeral was a bad snowstorm hit the East Coast when my and my mom were supposed to leave to travel to the funeral. I really think I would follow your dad's lead if you wanted a guide. But also, there is something to be said about seeing your beloved in the coffin as a crucial part of the grieving process. I know you mentioned you wanted to see your grandmother, which is why I tend to lean go for that purpose of accepting she is gone.
Last edited by The Dissenter; 11-06-2015 at 09:32 AM..
I can't imagine not going to a beloved grandparent's funeral, unless it was just impossible re: a horrendous amount of money for a last minute airline ticket from the other side of the globe, etc.
I think you need to let your dad deal with the funeral and his issues with his mother and neighbors in his own way. None of that is your responsibility. If you want to go to the funeral -- go. Let him do what he needs to do -- I sure wouldn't let him keep me from going if I were you. Concentrate on the funeral, and saying goodbye to your grandmother. Everything else is just background noise.
I didn't go to my grandparents' funerals. Two of them died right after I had my first baby and I was so broke I couldn't even afford food, much less plane tickets across the country. Another died while I was in the middle of some pretty serious health problems. We always lived across the country from them and we'd visit them for a week every few years, so I didn't know any of my grandparents very well. I still would have gone to the funerals if it had been possible.
My mom didn't even tell me about her father's death for a month or two after it happened. One day she just said, "Oh, I don't think I'm getting any money from my dad since his wife has outlived him." and I asked if he had died, and she said yes. She hadn't told my sisters either.
I live across the country from family and get excused from all those things, although my sister told me that when our aunt goes I have to go back -- losing my aunt will devastate her, and she will need her sisters. I'm in a better position to be able to go back for her. (Yay, self employment!)
And Hedgehog, that sort of thing was the only time I had to get stern with my in laws, who I loved like my own parents. Someone in my husband's family died (so long ago I can't remember who) and they told us in A LETTER. Like a month or so after.
I called them up that weekend -- I was so ticked I needed to calm down -- and explained that not telling us when it happened deprived us of making the decision to send flowers, a card, come home, offering some sort of help... things that family does. And then got all upset anyway. And cried. (I believe this was soon after my grandmother died, so I was a little emotional.) I do have to say the next time something happened, my mother in law called and told me, and then made a comment about me being sensitive. Which made me laugh. Because I am sensitive. That's normally not a bad thing.... and then she laughed.
Honestly, my husband's family is very taciturn. Their way of dealing with things is to suck it up, stiff upper lip, chin up. I've had to call my husband out on it on occasion. There are times in life you need to be emotional, and deal with the emotions... and when he gets flinty I remind him I am not like him. I need hugs.
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