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But I don't know why I keep thinking that we need arguments in order for our marriage to be normal, to be in the 'norms'.
I guess my normal meter is indeed very broken :-(
Its because your idea of a perfect marriage is based on examples from a previous generation that didn't have much access to information (internet, social media, etc.) or the health sciences like therapy, marriage counseling that are more common today. Todays couples are well informed & better prepared before they get into a long term commitment. Not saying that the couples today are better than our parents' generation. The technology & information we use to make our marriage better can also be easily abused for issues that break the marriage, like cheating. Its all based on how people use their blessings.
A responsible adult makes sure that they are well prepared financially, emotionally & physically before getting into serious relationships. Also, they invest more time & effort to make marriage work as divorces are complicated & expensive. There is no job security & everything is becoming expensive so staying with your partner & making things work becomes a priority. Its an investment just like a car, house, etc so you have to work hard to maintain it in good condition to increase its life. Similarly, making sure that you invest time & effort to maintain a healthy relationship means you value it & want it for the long term. I know machines are supposed to break but if I am careful & follow the maintenance instructions correctly then I might never have a problem with it. So don't compare your marriage to others. You never know what they are doing wrong that's causing arguments. Enjoy your healthy marriage. If your body gets sick it means you are not taking good care of yourself. It doesn't mean that getting sick is a sign of a healthy body. Sure I have arguments with my friends a lot of time when I have different point of view. I use it to understand their point of view if I feel strongly about something. I have never had arguments with friends where we they have very similar values & opinions. I value them both equally as long as we respect our opinions & differences.
There something that been on my mind, and I just need to get it out because it bothering me.
As I mentioned in page 1, couple months ago, there something we quite don't see eye to eye on, I yell at him, I keep yell and scream at him. And he just sit there listen and listen, and let me yell and talk until I run out of words.
He doesn't talk back a single word. He doesn't say anything, he just quiet and listen. He very calm. He sit there look at me yell and scream at him without talk a word back.
After I no longer can yell and calm down. I realized I was wrong, so I apologize and said sorry to him. I thought he would be mad at me.
He hugs me and calmly said it is okay, and he not mad at me. He said he understand, that why he just quietly listen to me yell and talk, and not say a word.
I feel terrible for treat him that way. It only happen that time, I told myself NOT to do that again.
Well, after I'm done yelling, I calm down and we talk it out. He really patience and understanding, he never blame me for yelling. He just let me yell till I'm done, and afterwards he talk it out together.
He just 'too calm'. He always let me have things my way so I can be happy. However, he does speak up his preference. Or when we don't agree or something, he does speak up why he doesn't agree.
BUT but then at the end, 90% of the time me he let me have it my way so I can be happy. arg!!
I know he the type that strongly believes in communication, talk it out together and solve the problem together. He also is the type that have no problem facing his own emotions. It just that he face his emotions in the 'calm' way.
Problem is, the way he solve conflicts kindda bother me. I feel that as a "MAN", he should talk back to me, told me that as a wife I can't keep yell and scream at him in his face nonstop like that.. You know what I'm trying to say?
In my Chinese culture, a wife cannot yell and scream at her husband face like that.
Like the above post t about when I yell and scream at him, he worries about me, I can see the worried looks in his eyes. But then he just sit there quietly, and look at me yell and scream without say a word. Basically, he let me yell and talk until I run out of words.
After he saw I calm down, he started talking to me. And he calmly talk out the problem and work it out together.
He does speak up his viewpoints, he does speak up why he doesn't agree with me. But then like I say at the end 90% he let me have things "my" way so I can be happy.
He wasn't mad at me when I scream at him, he said he understand and that I don't need to apologize.
He thinks that when I'm mad yell and scream, it best that he should just be quiet and listen, and let me yell it all out.. Once I'm done yell and calm down, he will start talk to me and work it out together.
You see? this is the way he solve conflicts, arg!! Is this the healthy way?
Never once he tell me to Shut up.
Never once he raise his voice on me.
He never call me any mean words. The most meanest word he ever call me is "Silly"; which is true, I do do silly things in front of him.. The word silly is not that mean, compared to all the other words out there that he could have call me.
I feel that as a "MAN", he needs to speak up, or at least say: 'ishe you cannot yell and scream at me like that'.. But Nope, he just be quiet and listen to I yell and talk until I run out of words.
I know he capable of argue. He have two relationships prior met me, his second relationship was a dead serious long term that almost lead to marriage. He loves that ex-GF alot alot. But he said they have alot of differences, and he sick and tired of all the fighting and argueing that he just can't do it anymore; that was why they part their ways.
He clearly know how to argue, he argue alot with that ex-GF of his. So why not argue with me?
He thinks that when I'm mad yell and scream, it best that he should just be quiet and listen, and let me yell it all out.. Once I'm done yell and calm down, he will start talk to me and work it out together. This is the way he solve conflicts, and I feel that as a man, he should speak up. arg!!
Problem is, the way he solve conflicts kindda bother me. I feel that as a "MAN", he should talk back to me, told me that as a wife I can't keep yell and scream at him in his face nonstop like that.. You know what I'm trying to say?
In my Chinese culture, a wife cannot yell and scream at her husband face like that.
Remember, your husband is not Chinese.
This:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ishe
Like the above post t about when I yell and scream at him, he worries about me, I can see the worried looks in his eyes. But then he just sit there quietly, and look at me yell and scream without say a word. Basically, he let me yell and talk until I run out of words.
After he saw I calm down, he started talking to me. And he calmly talk out the problem and work it out together.
He does speak up his viewpoints, he does speak up why he doesn't agree with me.
... sounds like a mature way to deal with conflict.
This:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ishe
Never once he tell me to Shut up.
Never once he raise his voice on me.
He never call me any mean words.
I feel that as a "MAN", he needs to speak up, or at least say: 'ishe you cannot yell and scream at me like that'..
I don't think arguing is necessarily important, but getting your feelings out is. I think when people say that it's a bad sign that you don't argue, they really mean it's a bad sign if you avoid disagreeing -- i.e., holding things in rather than mentioning them.
You are the one with the problem, you are the one who needs to seek help for your anger issues. If your husband already left one relationship because of arguing, what makes you think he won't leave you?
Problem is when I'm mad yell and scream, to him he thinks it best that he should just be quiet and listen, and let me yell it all out.. Once I'm done yell and calm down, he will start talk to me and work it out together.
The way he solve conflicts/arguments like this, it make me super Frustrated! Because I STRONGLY feel that as a "MAN", he should talk back to me, told me that as a wife I can't keep yell and scream at him in his face. You know what I'm trying to say?
He needs to at least say: "ishe you cannot yell and scream at me like that." He capable of say it, but he just won't.
It Frustrated me when he just be quiet and listen to me yell and talk till I run out of words. He looks at me when I yell, he just quiet and listen and listen.. I just don't get it, why can't he be the 'man'? Like step up, and tell me to stop yell at him. Do something like a man would do, arg!
I heard other ladies tell me that their DH would walk out of the house when they yell. I guess I expect my husband would be like that too, walk out of the house when I yell. You know what I mean? But he just won't walk out of the house, he just sit there and look at me and listen to me yell.
And why other couples fight, but we don't fight? We not normal, we are not in the 'norms'.
You don't see anything wrong with him solve things? Is what he doing healthy? I don't know why, but it just make me frustrated.
The marriage have been so peaceful, tooo peaceful.. I just wish if he would fight or argue with me just for once, then I won't have be this frustrated.
I dunno, seem like I'm crave for conflicts. Maybe because I grow up in a dysfunctional childhood, for me I need arguments. And with the way my husband solve conflicts like this, doesn't seem like I can get any arguments out of him.
I been in counseling since July try to get help with my emotional childhood baggage, but seem like counseling is not helping. It an Asian Chinese therapist/counseling that I been going to. Maybe I need to find an Western/American therapist.
Thank you Ms. Wnsm4Life, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
You been giving me great advice since 2014 when I first post on here. Thank you.
Thank you everyone else for your replies. I know everyone time is precious, thank you for spare a minute help giveme advice.
Due to we just don't argue or fight, I admit sometimes I wonder if my marriage is normal or not. Other couples out there argue and they happy. Why we don't argue, are we not normal?
I didn't have a good childhood. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive, she also very controlling and very critical. I guess because I grow up in a dysfunctional childhood, for me arguments means happy.. I don't know why I keep try to find faults in my marriage when there probably isn't any.
My older brother say he sees nothing wrong with how my marriage is, my older brother thinks we simply have a peaceful marriage.. But I don't know why I keep thinking that we need arguments in order for our marriage to be normal, to be in the 'norms'.
I guess my normal meter is indeed very broken :-(
Hello there I went through your post. When I read the colored phrases I think a good therapist can help you to find the right answer for your question. I don't say there is no single marriage what does not include a little disagreement or few little words. But as you say arguing means for you happy. I think you better consult a therapist. Otherwise you will break your marriage for no reason. All the best.
PS I got to read your second post so I have seen you are on therapy for child age issues. No fighting couples are not normal. you husband is great in a way of dealing. Be happy that he still with you. It is not only a therapist can do you need to accept good things in your life marriage too. Be happy when there is a peaceful marriage. What ever your mother did is wrong that is not normal. I think a western therapist can let you to see the life better.
Last edited by Zeurich; 11-17-2015 at 03:02 AM..
Reason: seen the second post
Problem is when I'm mad yell and scream, to him he thinks it best that he should just be quiet and listen, and let me yell it all out.. Once I'm done yell and calm down, he will start talk to me and work it out together.
The way he solve conflicts/arguments like this, it make me super Frustrated! Because I STRONGLY feel that as a "MAN", he should talk back to me, told me that as a wife I can't keep yell and scream at him in his face. You know what I'm trying to say?
He needs to at least say: "ishe you cannot yell and scream at me like that." He capable of say it, but he just won't.
It Frustrated me when he just be quiet and listen to me yell and talk till I run out of words. He looks at me when I yell, he just quiet and listen and listen.. I just don't get it, why can't he be the 'man'? Like step up, and tell me to stop yell at him. Do something like a man would do, arg!
I heard other ladies tell me that their DH would walk out of the house when they yell. I guess I expect my husband would be like that too, walk out of the house when I yell. You know what I mean? But he just won't walk out of the house, he just sit there and look at me and listen to me yell.
And why other couples fight, but we don't fight? We not normal, we are not in the 'norms'.
You don't see anything wrong with him solve things? Is what he doing healthy? I don't know why, but it just make me frustrated.
The marriage have been so peaceful, tooo peaceful.. I just wish if he would fight or argue with me just for once, then I won't have be this frustrated.
I dunno, seem like I'm crave for conflicts. Maybe because I grow up in a dysfunctional childhood, for me I need arguments. And with the way my husband solve conflicts like this, doesn't seem like I can get any arguments out of him.
I been in counseling since July try to get help with my emotional childhood baggage, but seem like counseling is not helping. It an Asian Chinese therapist/counseling that I been going to. Maybe I need to find an Western/American therapist.
Thank you Ms. Wnsm4Life, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
You been giving me great advice since 2014 when I first post on here. Thank you.
Thank you everyone else for your replies. I know everyone time is precious, thank you for spare a minute help giveme advice.
Ishe, dear, it sounds like you want him to do something that is YOUR job: control your emotions.
Yes, I think he's doing the right thing. He IS being the man. More importantly, he's being an adult. He's giving you the chance to be one too.
Life is not like the movies, where a man might grab the woman and tell her to get a hold of herself. Him yelling back at you is not a sign of passion. It's signals a loss of control.
Don't believe that crap. Be thankful you have what sounds like a mature partner who's trying to give you the chance to act the same way.
Absolutely not! Arguments are not healthy. Although they do help the beer manufacturers.
My ex-girlfriend and I argued pretty often, pretty intensely too. I'd keep insisting on being alone for a little bit, but she'd insist on hashing things out that are already clear. (Although I'm aware that it could be just gender differences.) And afterwards, I was too angry/upset for make-up sex, although I didn't refuse it if she offered, either. Long story short, after the "straw that broke the camel's back" argument, I broke up with her, blocked her number, and don't miss her to this day.
If I had a girlfriend with a less argumentative personality, I'd be more compelled to save the relationship. But instead, the arguments destroyed any feelings I had for her. While the security of a relationship was nice, the honest thing to do was break up.
Personally I don't see a reason to scream and yell. How one delivers a message is so important and can make a huge difference in making things better. When you scream or get angry not only do you have the original problem but now the problem with how you are treating the person you are talking to. I do believe one needs to speak their mind or things will build up and then you are more likely to scream and get angry.
So OP instead of yelling at your husband can you speak calmly at the time on what is upsetting you? If you feel you are going to yell tell him you need some space till you can regroup and talk in a calm manner.
On a side note with therapy sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist. What about doing marriage counseling?
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