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You have the right to vent to anyone you want. It is not Tom's business what you discuss with anyone...Your friend sort of drug you into it as a point of validation for his issues with Tom. Oh well....You should not be made to pay for others comments...And, Do not feel badly....You have a right to validate your feelings.
You should simply say..."Well, Tom...in response to your text...if that is your true feelings, then meeting to discuss this issue further would be a mute point. And, we will simply agree....neither of us will ask favors of the other anymore.
Give me a call sometime if you just want to hang out then".
And leave it at that.
Whatever you have been dealing with for the past 3 years.....you may want to change up whatever you are doing currently that hasn't worked.....Maybe try Counseling (or a new counselor), support groups etc....It apparently isn't helping if it is taking 3 years. There are tons of support groups online, for any issue,..Did a quick search,...https://www.google.com/search?q=supp..._sm=0&ie=UTF-8
You need to reset your emotions regarding Tom....He may be a friend, but he is not your support system if you cannot talk to him, and he only contacts you to use you. Say to Tom...."I am a friend, just not an available friend."
Also....whatever you are dealing with (for last 3 years), do not forget all the various forum subjects on here. There are some very wise and supportive posters that may help you put things into perspective and move on. Even just reading responses to others questions if it is similar to what you are dealing with can be helpful. Wishing you success!!
I appreciate your responses. I can see where I was wrong. Inkpoe, I have always had a hard time being honest with my friend because he gets offended very easily and takes things personally when he shouldn't. Tom has always had relationship problems; both with his girlfriends and with his family. Anytime Tom is in the wrong he can never see it and he always makes the other person out to be the bad guy; even if he is in the wrong. He also has a mentality where it is like you are either with him or against him and so bringing up problems I have with him can be like walking on eggshells.
Sounds like Tom is a toxic personality. You really should just cut ties. To,m is likely in your life only to make you aware of your lack of assertiveness. You need to make different, adult friends...People more like yourself.
Whatever. Until I hear the same version from Tom I'll take it with a grain of salt. Your mental/emotional issues are one good reason why I don't trust your perception and analysis of the situation. And your first post said Tom was a perfectly good friend until 3 years ago. ("Prior to this I was always busy with school and work and Tom always respected my time and never really asked for that many favors and he has always had my back.") Now he's the devil incarnate.
Think about it; since this is my post you would not be able to get Tom's side. You could only ever get one side in an internet forum because it is only one person posting. If you go by that logic you might as well tell anyone that posts anything in this forum that you will take what they say with a grain of salt because you are not getting the other side. I really hope you don't work in a helping profession.Moderator cut: delete
Last edited by Miss Blue; 11-12-2015 at 08:22 AM..
Reason: calling a poster "troll" #2
It's apparent that Tom has no respect for you since you are mooching off your parents. As you apparently don't see anything wrong with that scenario, it could be that Tom assumes that since you have so much free time on your hands that you'd have no problem helping him out, one mooch to another.
It was never said that I don't see anything wrong with living with my parents and there is more going here than me being a mooch.Moderator cut: delete
Last edited by Miss Blue; 11-12-2015 at 08:14 AM..
Reason: calling another poster troll is against the tos
Moderator cut: deleteMy advice? Get a job, move out, support yourself, focus on how you treat your girlfriend, and then you'll be "too busy" to do anyone favors all the time.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 11-12-2015 at 08:45 AM..
Reason: attack
I understand that telling Chris was not cool but overall, who is in the wrong here? Me or Tom? Even though talking to Chris was not cool I still feel that Tom was going overboard with the favors and that I have a right to be upset about it. I also feel that he should be able to understand my point of view. Even my parents have been really pissed at Tom for the things he has been asking of me and they have wanted me to stand up to him.
Tom is in the wrong. Tell him you don't want doing a very occasional favor but if he is able to do it you flat out won't. Ridiculous.
I understand that telling Chris was not cool but overall, who is in the wrong here? Me or Tom? Even though talking to Chris was not cool I still feel that Tom was going overboard with the favors and that I have a right to be upset about it. I also feel that he should be able to understand my point of view. Even my parents have been really pissed at Tom for the things he has been asking of me and they have wanted me to stand up to him.
It doesn't matter who is wrong or who is right. You need to figure out if this friendship is beneficial to you. Only you know the answer. We don't know your full history and we are gonna be biased based on our own experiences with people that might or might not be similar to Tom.
If you still want to be friends with Tom then I think after the Chris incident you two should be comfortable discussing "what is going too far". If you want to be a good friend you need to let him know what bothers you. If he is willing to take a bullet for you he shouldn't have a problem with this either. I think watching a pet maybe once or twice a year is not a big deal or giving someone a ride to the airport or to pick up their car. Of course as long as Tom is not asking for these favors every weekend. Running errands, picking up food or waiting for the Direct TV technician is going a little too far.
I've known people like Tom. Some just need a wake up call and boundaries, others will dissapear when they can't get anything from you. Again you need to figure what you are getting from this friendship. Hopefully it's not just being his unpaid personal assistance.
Wow there's some drama brewing here. Become employed, leave home, join the military if necessary. Get a life, then LIVE IT! This kind of stuff is not reality. There's a whole big world out there! You and your friends need to recognize this and leave all the petty bs behind! You sound like a bunch of teenage girls!
So if you can't do all that, let your friend know he's valuable to you and you should both set up some boundaries. (he can only pick you up drunk once a month, bail you out twice a year, etc)
Reading between the lines, it sounds like Tom has a decent job, lives on his own, supports himself well, has friends, and is likeable enough to have a girlfriend. Whereas you haven't had a job in years, live at home, mooch off your parents for drinking money, have few friends, and no mention of a girlfriend ever.
So who am I going to go with, the guy who seems to have his act together and is living a full life or the guy with mental issues whose life is in shambles?
+100
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