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Plus, how do you get things like work references, etc. if you change your name? Plus, I am licensed (for one of my jobs) through the state...wouldn't it be so easy to trace a "name change" through something like that (one would think)?
I always thought going separate ways was better than being around family you either just don't care for, hate, or who add nothing but trouble/drama to your life.
I live in a small town, so family always knows where you are. But I plan on moving in a few years. And only my parents are gonna know where. Because I don't plan on telling anyone else. lol
But I don't have toxic relations with other family. I just don't care to be bothered with them. Only a select few family members I actually dislike, boring on hate.
Plus, how do you get things like work references, etc. if you change your name? Plus, I am licensed (for one of my jobs) through the state...wouldn't it be so easy to trace a "name change" through something like that (one would think)?
You simply tell or phone the people you trust in business. Of course you can be "traced" if someone really wants to find you, but to my knowledge, my mother never did.
This is a good topic for another thread; I don't want to derail this one other than to answer your question. As many have said, every situation is different.
My experience is that it's better to let all the toxicity go and stay away from it.
Life is hard enough without adding more links on a psychic chain that will keep you from keeping a clear mind and healthy emotions.
Set yourself free and rebuild your life the way that you want it or carry the burden of excess baggage throughout your journey which will prevent good people and good things from coming into your life.
You need more clear windows for your soul, not more locked doors.
It is too bad when a family is toxic, but it is a triumphant act to act on what is best for ourselves. We all know of situations in which non family members feel like family to each other. Hopefully, OP will find a group of friends who make a good substitute for the actual family...like co workers or college friends.
My only other suggestion is, are there some younger family members who are in the same situation as you were? Maybe nieces and nephews who want to break free also. You could be supportive of them, and thereby keep a family connection going in a healthy way.
This is such a sad thread. So many people lack immediate family or live far away from relatives, even though they may be emotionally close to distant cousins, elderly aunts and uncles, far-flung siblings...yet others, who have family within a stone's throw - keep those stones throwing (in both directions, sometimes).
For those in the first category, do what you can to maintain ties. Text, phone calls, cards, emails, Skype - better yet, plan a family reunion at a place special to your family, or failing that, halfway in between most relatives' homes. Reach out to the younger generation, especially - as we grow older, we become the stewards of our families' traditions, stories, and heirlooms. Pass them on.
For those in the latter category, maintain your boundaries. It may be possible to stay cordial but distant with emotionally abusive relatives. Recognize their limits, and do not expect more from them. Or, in the worst cases, you may have to break off ties entirely. But do recognize that with aging, some formerly difficult individuals can mellow considerably, just as with maturity, younger people can develop perspective.
Each case is different, so think about what you'd want in an ideal situation, then see if any of it can be achieved given the realities. Maybe you can see nasty auntie one afternoon a year. Maybe you can send her Christmas and birthday cards. Maybe you can call her for no more than ten or fifteen minutes at a time, once every month or so (and have something urgently requiring your attention occur should she get nasty on the phone).
Or maybe she is beyond redemption, and the best thing is to keep away from her entirely.
Consider if mental illness is a factor, and act accordingly. Some of the awful behavior may be out of the individuals' control, and you may not know or understand the whole story. Whatever you do, keep yourself safe, be kind and do not be tempted to retaliate. Retaliation is unworthy, and reflects badly on you. Be better than that.
If you find yourself in the latter situation, do what you can to make strong friendships of your own. Be open to long-lost healthy acquaintances who may resurface in your life - this just happened to me, and what a blessing it is to have reconnected with and been warmly welcomed by a multi-generational family that was very close to my own family during my childhood! No, they are not my own family - but they knew my family long ago, and that makes them precious indeed. They won't be long-lost friends ever again, if I can help it.
I'm sorry dear one I know exactly where you're coming from. I was raised by two dysfunctional, mean alcoholics and I dreamed of my 18th birthday so I could escape the "war zone." I finally made my escape at 20 but they barely saw me when I turned 18. They were part of the reason I never had children as well. I wonder if you miss the idea of them more then you actually miss them? I've never stopped missing having a family and the holidays are especially depressing to me, but I would rather drink arsenic the spend any time with John's family over the holidays (equally as toxic as my family was) and since my parents died young from alcohol abuse it's a non issue. My only living relative is my brother and the last time I saw him was in 2001. I bought him out of our childhood home and I was getting ready for new tenants and was holding our mother's ashes in the driveway when he drove up. I hadn't seen him since 1990 before that and I never saw him again. He called me a couple of summers ago and left a message but I never returned his phone call. He followed in my father's foot steps with his abusive nature and I just couldn't allow that dysfunction back into my life. You will find that as you explore a normal, healthy life that you will not want your toxic family any where near that. The feeling that something is always missing may be with you forever, but find a way to fill that hole with positive happy experiences. I never had children but I have always been a kid magnet and have had 17 of them in my life. Many have kids of their own now and so the cycle continues You may feel the need to see your family from time to time in small doses, but keep your eyes wide open and don't fall into that dysfunctional trap that feels normal and familiar because that's all you know. Go back into the light of healthy, loving relationships and you will be fine. Good luck dear one. It's wonderful that you've recognized that your family is dysfunctional and that you want better for yourself. You would not believe how many people there are out there that stay on that dysfunctional path.
Thank you for all of the kind responses. They have really helped me work out my feelings on this issue. It makes a lot of sense that I'm feeling conflicted right now because I miss the idea of family. I miss what I'd like them to be and not what they actually are. I think the holidays contribute to this missing of family. But there are also several life changes I'm experiencing. One is that I was hoping to buy a house and it was so hard without having someone to call to ask for help either explaining the process or about financing, etc. The other is that I'm soon to become a parent through fostering and adoption. I find myself feeling so guilty that I won't be able to provide grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to my future children. But it also makes me feel physically ill to even imagine my child experiencing the same toxicity with them that I did.
Thanks again, everyone. I'll be sticking with my estrangement and remind myself next time I'm feeling down about this exactly why I cut contact and how my life is better now.
I'm estranged from my family. It was just a very toxic relationship and things have improved for me A LOT since I completely cut them out a year or so ago. The problem is that there are some times when I really miss them. Or rather, I miss having family.
I'm wondering if others have dealt with this. Is indefinite estrangement better than dealing with familial relationships that can be incredibly toxic? Does distance improve things? Is it better to have no family than to have family whose only goals are to bring you down?
I've been estranged from my family for over 30 years. It was a completely dysfunctional situation and I had to get away from it.
I did try to contact my oldest sister --- but all I got in return was her ranting and raving and complaining for the entire phone call. I never got a word in edgewise and never contacted her again.
I finally was in contact with my niece (the daughter of my 2nd oldest sister). She is the same as me and has no contact with my side of the family due to the insanity (her mother/my sister is deceased).
I miss having a family, but I certainly do NOT miss my biological family. When I see shows with families and how much they love and support one another (yes, the Kardashians, Modern Family, etc), I long for a real family. Unfortunately, it will never be. I have myself and my daughter and my niece (when we are able to see her). I wish I had a large, extended, loving family but it's not going to happen.
Being estranged from my biological family is the best thing for me. To be around them, it would only be inviting the crazy in and having to deal with their toxicity and insanity and them destroying any peace of mind I have.
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You may feel the need to see your family from time to time in small doses, but keep your eyes wide open and don't fall into that dysfunctional trap that feels normal and familiar because that's all you know. Go back into the light of healthy, loving relationships and you will be fine. Good luck dear one. It's wonderful that you've recognized that your family is dysfunctional and that you want better for yourself. You would not believe how many people there are out there that stay on that dysfunctional path.
