what is the protocol here to share costs? (wife, girlfriend, boyfriend)
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one person wants to stay in a $300/night hotel and the other can afford it but wants to spend only $100/night. There is a disagreement, who pays what in this situation?
Forget about what's fair or customary or what other people do.
Assuming you're the person who doesn't want to spend much on a hotel, you lay down the law: The two of you stay in the $100/night hotel and split the bill or she can choose the $300/night hotel and you'll pay $50.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone so extravagant? What happens when one of you loses your job?
She keeps score like crazy and I usually don't. For example: she invited me to this event which costs $30 to see her play but she wants me to buy my own tickets. Yet I bought her $200 worth of christmas gifts, I am taking her out to a restaurant today that is going to cost me in excess of $150, I always drive around locally and pay for gas - that amounts to hundreds of $$$ that she never pays as we go hiking and stuff to substantially far off places. I have never even asked to split gas money even once.
Just the other day I bought her a few beers without even thinking all on my tab, yet she will crib to buy me even one $6 beer!!! WTF? And she makes one and a half times my income! Now you tell me who is the one being cheap?
You guys on here assume a lot, geez!
You and your girlfriend are with the wrong people, you both need to move on and find someone you do not keep monetary score with in an attemp to *dollar up them*....
The OP already knows he doesn't want to be in a relationship where he's constantly spending on his SO. He's been there, done that. He doesn't have any choice other than to keep score so he can avoid falling into that trap again.
Oh, bullpuckey.
If you are in a relationship and feeling you have to keep score, then you already know the score.
So, I have a block of 10 days off this christmas and my original plans were to go somewhere like Cuba or the Big Island etc. However, my GF wants to visit her parents close by (8 hour drive from here) and would like me to come with her...will probably rent a car, stay at her parents for a couple days then rent a hotel etc. and do some hiking/camping etc. the following days.
I think that she should cover 100% of this trip as it's not my idea...I would rather not go to her parents place as that is not my idea of a vacation, I am compromising here because I want to be with her and meet her siblings who are also going to be there.
Who do you think should cover the bulk of this trip - hotel, fuel, rental car etc. I don't think I should as it's not my idea. Both of us make pretty good money but she makes a lot more than me.
All depends on how long you want her to be your GF
it seems to me that the person who makes more money, needs to pay a bigger share of whatever the expense is: rent, utilities, vacation, whatever
unless it is a gift, or we want to treat someone, or we so desire a person's company that we offer to pay it all
if she makes more money than you, but makes consistent financial demands that are one-way and not reciprocated....then she is not going to change and it sounds like she is selfish and not generous and taking advantage of you. big red flag. ask her about it and see if she is willing to change and tell her why it feels unfair. it is unlikely she will change.
it's not just about the money, it is the underlying attitude. it is draining and breeds resentment to be with someone who is selfish and demanding. I'd say trust your gut on this, I agree that her behavior is not OK.
Each making 6 figures + and not brave enough to sit down and have a conversation about money expectations. That's pretty...weak.
Look, to her, the man paying is how he courts her. Lots of women do feel this way. It doesn't make them bad. It's just their view on dating.
However, you are feeling resentful about this. You don't agree. Which is fair, lots of people think the man paying is antiquated since women are now in the workplace more. But instead of talking to her, you are acting passive aggressive and pouty.
When my husband and I make travel plans like this, we decide who will pay based on what we are doing (we are separate accounts people). So, when we drove out of state to visit my grandparents, I paid for all the gas and a majority of the food (but we had a place to stay and gramma fed us while there so food was minimal). When we would go visit his father, he always paid for the plane tickets and rental car. Again, his father would feed us When we decide where to go on vacation, we FIRST decide how much we are willing/able to spend, who is chipping in what, then decide where to go. If one of us strongly thinks that we should splurge on a better hotel, that person better be able to pay the difference.
When we were dating, my husband made MUCH more than me. Slowly that has changed and now I make more than him (though he is semi-retired, which plays a part in that). So, last year when he was feeling like money was tight, but I felt like I had a little more, I paid for our vacation because it was important to me that we go on vacation. This year, I'm feeling the pinch so he's paying for our Christmas vacation.
HOWEVER, this only works for us because we are on the same page financially. And any "pinch" we feel is artificial due to us not wanting to cut down on savings as we cash flow some expenses we didn't expect. Also, while we are "separate potters" we both bank at the same institution and all our accounts are linked when we log online. So we don't have any secrets, it's just worked for us this long we figure why change it.
There is no keeping score with us. Is it equal? Nope. But Fair is not the same as Equal. And, we both feel the way we handle things is fair. And when one of us feels it isn't? We don't let it fester or act passive aggressive about it--we just speak up.
it seems to me that the person who makes more money, needs to pay a bigger share of whatever the expense is: rent, utilities, vacation, whatever
unless it is a gift, or we want to treat someone, or we so desire a person's company that we offer to pay it all
if she makes more money than you, but makes consistent financial demands that are one-way and not reciprocated....then she is not going to change and it sounds like she is selfish and not generous and taking advantage of you. big red flag. ask her about it and see if she is willing to change and tell her why it feels unfair. it is unlikely she will change.
it's not just about the money, it is the underlying attitude. it is draining and breeds resentment to be with someone who is selfish and demanding. I'd say trust your gut on this, I agree that her behavior is not OK.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Each making 6 figures + and not brave enough to sit down and have a conversation about money expectations. That's pretty...weak.
Look, to her, the man paying is how he courts her. Lots of women do feel this way. It doesn't make them bad. It's just their view on dating.
However, you are feeling resentful about this. You don't agree. Which is fair, lots of people think the man paying is antiquated since women are now in the workplace more. But instead of talking to her, you are acting passive aggressive and pouty.
So what are you going to do?
If you are both old enough tp have six figure incomes you are both old enough to discuss this like adults.
See, this is the problem though. If I did that she would be upset so I HAVE to go, I have no choice in the matter and she is unwilling to compromise on going to her parents. So, this does not sound like a compromise. So, if I have to adhere to her plans, which I am doing to keep her happy the least she can do is pay for the trip which she would have to pay 100% of anyway if she went by herself.
Maybe you guys should just break up and cut you losses.
When you're in a relationship, you compromise. You visit each other's families. You share expenses. You both seem unwilling to do any of that.
This is something that should have been discussed weeks, if not months, ago.
Nickle and diming every single thing you do and every place you go doesn't sound like any fun at all. It would be much more enjoyable to take turns paying for thing. She pays for the hotel, you pay for gas. She buys lunch, you buy dinner. I can't imagine making that big of a deal out of small expenses with the kind of income you both have. It takes the fun out of everything.
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