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I'm at my wit's end with my friend. I am really like the mother she never had. She is only 26 and this is her third time in rehab. She went back to rehab about a month ago when everyone begged her to go. She also suffers from anxiety.
She got out yesterday and called her boss at 9am this morning, crying and drunk.
Does anyone have experience with something like this? It's sad because she's very intelligent, fun and pretty. She would have a very bright future if she could beat her alcohol addiction.
I disagree with the numerous people who encourage you to distance herself and let her find her own cure.
She does want to get well, she just can't. Not yet. But she is still your friend. Stand by her as long as you possibly can. There may come a day when you will be very happy that you did.
And I would hate for there to be a day when you say, "If only I had tried one more time......".
I disagree with the numerous people who encourage you to distance herself and let her find her own cure.
She does want to get well, she just can't. Not yet. But she is still your friend. Stand by her as long as you possibly can. There may come a day when you will be very happy that you did.
And I would hate for there to be a day when you say, "If only I had tried one more time......".
I'm sorry but you don't have a full understanding of alcoholism and codependency and enabling. Your comment made me laugh out loud. If you've ever had to deal with a full-blown alcoholic then you'd know that the longer you stick around the less of a chance there is for the addict to hit rock bottom.
It's completely normal and healthy to tell an addict that you love, "I care about you and hate to see you deal with this struggle. When you are serious about getting help and straightening out your life we can continue our friendship but I can't keep this unhealthy relationship any longer... come to me when you're clean and sober." And you generally get a few faux attempts (tend to result in wanting money- for booze or drugs- or where the addict just tries to test the waters to see if you'll still pick up the pieces for them)... But truly, I cannot stress this enough.. Going no contact is the best thing you can do to help an addict (and yourself!), because if by the grace of God that addict ever hits rock bottom they may sober up and you can try to pick up where you left off.
I'm sorry but you don't have a full understanding of alcoholism and codependency and enabling. Your comment made me laugh out loud. If you've ever had to deal with a full-blown alcoholic then you'd know that the longer you stick around the less of a chance there is for the addict to hit rock bottom.
It's completely normal and healthy to tell an addict that you love, "I care about you and hate to see you deal with this struggle. When you are serious about getting help and straightening out your life we can continue our friendship but I can't keep this unhealthy relationship any longer... come to me when you're clean and sober." And you generally get a few faux attempts (tend to result in wanting money- for booze or drugs- or where the addict just tries to test the waters to see if you'll still pick up the pieces for them)... But truly, I cannot stress this enough.. Going no contact is the best thing you can do to help an addict (and yourself!), because if by the grace of God that addict ever hits rock bottom they may sober up and you can try to pick up where you left off.
I used to be friends with someone who was a drug addict. With the emotional roller coaster it has put me through, I decided to distance myself from him. If he ever decides to straighten out his life, I'll be happy for him and wish him the best on his journey. Although, it appears he's doing well now, I don't want to take the chance to invest my energy and see him relaspe again. And from what I've read, for someone to likely succeed in their recovery, it's best for them not to associate with friends who were around them when they were active in their addiction.
I'm at my wit's end with my friend. I am really like the mother she never had. She is only 26 and this is her third time in rehab. She went back to rehab about a month ago when everyone begged her to go. She also suffers from anxiety.
She got out yesterday and called her boss at 9am this morning, crying and drunk.
Does anyone have experience with something like this? It's sad because she's very intelligent, fun and pretty. She would have a very bright future if she could beat her alcohol addiction.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but usually interventions or "begging people into rehab" does not work. It needs to be their choice. Usually after their rock bottom.
Al-anon would be a good support for you.
You/she might also consider Smart Recovery. I am much more a fan of this method for alcoholics vs the "all or nothing approach." It depends on what her personality will allow. Smart Recovery is much more empowering to the patient.
If you MUST go "no contact" then do it for you, don't rationalize that you are helping her. You're not. You can be "non enabling" by staying in contact. Obviously, don't give her money for booze, etc.
So many here preaching the 1980s "tough love" that didn't work the first time around yet apparently had pretty good marketing.
By her actions and her not being 100% voluntary for rehab (forget what she "says") she is in the initial state of change, that is deciding whether she even WANTS to change.
I know it's frustrating but I applaud you for not enabling her while at the same time not going "no contact" if you can help it. Not many people are able/strong enough to do both simultaneously. They usually either enable or cut off.
I'm sorry but you don't have a full understanding of alcoholism and codependency and enabling. Your comment made me laugh out loud. If you've ever had to deal with a full-blown alcoholic then you'd know that the longer you stick around the less of a chance there is for the addict to hit rock bottom.
It's completely normal and healthy to tell an addict that you love, "I care about you and hate to see you deal with this struggle. When you are serious about getting help and straightening out your life we can continue our friendship but I can't keep this unhealthy relationship any longer... come to me when you're clean and sober." And you generally get a few faux attempts (tend to result in wanting money- for booze or drugs- or where the addict just tries to test the waters to see if you'll still pick up the pieces for them)... But truly, I cannot stress this enough.. Going no contact is the best thing you can do to help an addict (and yourself!), because if by the grace of God that addict ever hits rock bottom they may sober up and you can try to pick up where you left off.
Perfectly said.
I myself would not waste my time going to Al Anon for support to learn how I need to deal with someone else's problem. That is why it best to walk away. There is no such thing as a person who is permanently in anyone's life period.
I myself would not waste my time going to Al Anon for support to learn how I need to deal with someone else's problem. That is why it best to walk away. There is no such thing as a person who is permanently in anyone's life period.
That's why I never bothered with Al-Anon. Why let someone else's problems bother you while the addict could care less about yours? Although, much more difficult to do when it's a family member.
Just to add to the conversation.....sometimes people can avoid criminal charges as long as they are in rehab. Charges can be made later, but usually people give up on minor charges. Sometimes people play that card.....
Not your problem unless you're buying her booze. She's an adult. She has to want to change. So why are you friends?
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