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My mid-20's daughter came to me a few days ago and, in tears, admitted that she had been raped when she was 15.
I'm stunned. The boy that raped her was her boyfriend at the time. I thought that they had been well-supervised, they were not allowed to date as a couple because of her age, she was not allowed to drive alone with him, etc., etc. But where there's a will, there's a way, apparently. She said that they had had sex a couple of times before that, but in this one instances, he insisted, and it turned into sex by force. She was very clear on what happened that time, and shared that it has had a major impact on intimate relationships since then. She still maintained an off-and-on relationship with him for several years past that time, but was always the one to break up with him, until finally she said, "I'm done." and that was that.
He had a strange home life, but he fit into our family well, and spent a lot of time here. I, personally, liked him very much. He would remember family birthdays, always sent me a Mother's Day card, and would drop by to chat even if my daughter was out with other friends, or if they were "on a break". I thought he was just a nice kid, even if he and my daughter didn't work out. She didn't object or protest, and he and I never talked about her -- it was usually about school, or who he was dating at the time, his parent's divorce, etc., etc. He hasn't been by in the last few years, because he is an adult now, and works a few towns over, but we've (me and my husband) met for dinner once or twice in the last couple of years to catch up.
I'm so angry at him I can barely function. At this point, there's no question of persecution. How could I have missed the clues? (The serial relationships, etc.) How could he betray our family like this? How could I have allowed him to stay a part of our family? My daughter isn't making it up - there's no reason to at this point. But she said that she had kept it inside all these years because she was ashamed and didn't want us to know she was sexually active -- even though I thought we had discussed sex, pregnancy prevention, etc. openly and candidly. I never shied away from any question. She felt like she had done something "wrong" for him to do that, and had finally realized, years later, that it wasn't her fault and that I wouldn't be "mad" at her.
She thinks it would help her to confront him, but isn't sure what she wants to gain out of a confrontation -- an admission of guilt? An apology? What if it doesn't go the way she imagines? I suggested that it might be a good idea to talk to a rape counselor first so that she can sort out in her mind what would best help her move past it.
I'm trying to figure out what *I* can do for her. I feel so betrayed by this young man and like I'm the world's worst mother for not picking up on it, and inadvertently subjecting my daughter to more pain by continuing to maintain a casual relationship with him after she had moved on. She keeps apologizing for "dumping" this on me, but it had come to a boiling point, for whatever reason, and I'm so glad she finally opened up and told us. I just don't know what to do NOW, I'm so angry with him. (Obviously, ANY kind of relationship with this guy is completely out of the question.)
Are you sure there's no question of prosecution? They removed the statute of limitations on rape years ago. Your state's laws may vary, but if she's interested in prosecuting it may well be worth looking into.
Your child's choices in life have nothing at all to do with you. A good parent can give information, recommendations, etc. but in the end the kids do whatever they want to do.
I don't know. I think we should be very careful to label people as rapists.
Two young people were together and had sex, multiple times. Once she didn't feel like it and he talked her into it. She probably wasn't very firm when she said "no" and he didn't take her seriously and was proceeding.
I was 15 once and had a bf who did that and I wouldn't call him a rapist. If he would have raped me, I would not have keep dating him and acting like everything is okay and then 10 years later decide that this must have been rape.
If I would have felt like he raped me, I would have cried afterwards or during the act. Or act so disturbed that my friends would ask me what's wrong. Or my parents. Or teachers. I would not have happily dated him for many more years. A 15 year old is no baby anymore, she knows what's right and whats wrong.
This accusation can destroy this young mans future once and for all if it gets public.
I worked for a criminal defense attorney. 20 years ago, we had a case where there was woman who accused her bf of rape. She said she wanted to watch her favorite tv show and he wanted sex. She didn't want to, he insisted. He started grabbing her and she just wanted to see her show. Then she thought if she lets him proceed, he is probably done within a few minutes and she can get back watching her show. So they had sex. A few days later she told a friend and the friend said that this was rape. The judge decided it wasn't but the poor guys reputation was ruined forever.
I think that is why the daughter needs to sort this out with a therapist. You state that you did not feel shame or remorse after your encounter with your bf. But apparently this young woman did. Remember, there were other behaviors too--the controlling and jealousy. So, the circumstantial evidence sounds suspicious.
We can't know what was in the minds of these two people. I am not recommending that she accuse him now. I don't have the wisdom to know, and neither do the rest of us here. But some of this might come clearer to mom and daughter if they talk about this with a counselor or therapist.
First of all - an 18 year old cannot be very experienced.
What planet do you live on? Or are you living under a rock? Plenty of 18 year old males and females are incredibly experienced! This isn't something new. Man, 20+ years ago I dated a guy in high school who already had sex with something like 19 women/girls. And he was 17 years old! I can only imagine what his number is today!!
What planet do you live on? Or are you living under a rock? Plenty of 18 year old males and females are incredibly experienced! This isn't something new. Man, 20+ years ago I dated a guy in high school who already had sex with something like 19 women/girls. And he was 17 years old! I can only imagine what his number is today!!
just because he put his pecker in a few girls doesn't make him an expert. They are kids. They are naive, don't have much common sense and can't read body language too well yet. That's why they are not allowed to consume alcohol - because they are still too stupid to recognize the consequences of bad behavior.
However, it doesn't take much common sense to interpret tears.
just because he put his pecker in a few girls doesn't make him an expert. They are kids. They are naive, don't have much common sense and can't read body language too well yet. That's why they are not allowed to consume alcohol - because they are still too stupid to recognize the consequences of bad behavior.
What exactly do you think it means to be experienced? And what does alcohol have to do with anything?
What exactly do you think it means to be experienced? And what does alcohol have to do with anything?
Experienced to ME means he knows what he is doing. I think most 18 year olds have no clue about anything in life. Thats why they are not allowed to drink either. I hope that makes my train of thought a little clearer (sorry, English is my second language). But it seems to me your anger against me clouds your mind a little.
But it feels like am "I'm Retired Now" sort of thing...
You mean just stirring the pot? Could be.
Funny, how this ONE poster left such an impression that he is remembered by so many in several forums
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