Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I just didn't know if we were wrong to be upset he brought a new girlfriend around. I am upset they had the audacity to even talk about they are open to another baby. This women is 40 with a grandchild and he has 3 children from 14-17. Most of us are still upset about his wife death. His parents were especially close to his wife. Even though she was his wife she was around for almost 20 years if you include the time they dated. I had my family over for dinner yesterday and everyone was so uncomfortable. His girlfriend is fully aware his wife just passed but finds it ok to discuss her "future" plans with him.
We are all trying our best to behave but I would of rather he keep this to himself.
She sounds like a real winner. Why would anyone want to have a child when you're already a grandmother?
That was my original assumption since it didn't add up. I didn't know if she meant they met or exactly started dating. Even if it was just meeting he shouldn't have taken her number. However, I'm not sure and didn't want to question her. I know he is struggling with the domestic work and might be subconsciously looking for a mother figure. He has clearly lost almost 30lbs since I saw him at the funeral. He's also took a huge pay cut since he travels for work and no longer can do much of that. I just had a concern that the kids might get upset and they haven't met her but know of her. Plus he seems very attached to someone you have been dating a short period of time not like in the new honey moon stage for a adult but a new relationship of an teen. Where he text her constantly if she is not around. Never saw him behave this way before.
We don't know the exact scenario and neither do you OP. Why assume the worst in people? Maybe the woman was an acquaintance prior to the wife dying and he confided in her after the death which created feelings and attachment. Maybe the girlfriend mispoke and meant three weeks or two months or you misunderstood her. You admitted she didn't question further.
He was married for 16 years, of course you don't remember/haven't seen him behave that way in a long time. He could be feeling very alone right now and having her around helps him deal with the loss. Who knows?!!?
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Actually what was rude was the cousin showing up with this woman to the OP's house and not saying in advance that this is their girlfriend. How about picking up the phone and explaining what the situation was, OP thought he was bringing a male friend.
Way too soon, he needs to be there for his kids who lost their mother.
It sure sounds like he was "dating" this woman prior to the wife's passing. The timing is quite suspect.
Three months ago is right when the wife passed. Where did he meet this woman? Doesn't add up, he had a girlfriend already and is now just being open about it.
Very tacky.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
This.
It becomes your business when it enters YOUR HOME.
If the cousin called up the OP and said "I met this woman name Susan and we have been dating 3 months", than yes the OP really shouldn't say anything.
When the cousin shows up with Susan(never telling the OP what the situation)was and makes the OP uncomfortable in their own home, than you have every right to speak up.
I agree he should have stated that he was bringing his girlfriend, but just because they are guests in someone's home doesn't mean he has to divulge the intimacies of their relationship to their host. Other than he'll be bringing a specific guest, the rest is none of the OP's business. He can still be there for his kids (who are teens and probably don't spend much time at home) and still have a girlfriend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr
We didn't give "our opinions" to the man, we gave them on an anonymous online forum.
Um I wasn't talking to you or anyone but the OP who said she and his sister scolded the man. That was rude and out of line.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr
And you're kidding yourself if you don't think it happened like I think it did.
I'm married, with a child. If my wife died, there is NO WAY IN HELL I could pick up dating someone right away. Just the amount of time my child would need to start sorting through her feelings about losing her mom would probably take a lot of time. I wouldn't dare bring any other woman around during that period, it would only hurt my daughter.
Sorry, but your head is in the sand. The most logical explanation is that he was already seeing this person... which is also what the OP thinks, too.
Why do you think your interpretation is better than mine? Why do you think you are so right?
He can have a girlfriend without his kids knowing. People date all the time without their kids knowing. He had the right to a love life and his kids don't have to be involved.
And again, everyone is different. You wouldn't date right away, fine, good for you. This man met someone he likes during a time of need and maybe it just felt right and since he just lost someone he didn't want to lose someone else. You don't know, I don't know, but I'm going to assume he is a decent guy who lucked into meeting someone during a hard time instead of a jerk who cheated in his wife, but hey that's just me. The OP never gave any indication that he was a bad guy in the habit of doing suspect things.
We don't know the exact scenario and neither do you OP. Why assume the worst in people? Maybe the woman was an acquaintance prior to the wife dying and he confided in her after the death which created feelings and attachment. Maybe the girlfriend mispoke and meant three weeks or two months or you misunderstood her. You admitted she didn't question further.
He was married for 16 years, of course you don't remember/haven't seen him behave that way in a long time. He could be feeling very alone right now and having her around helps him deal with the loss. Who knows?!!?
I agree he should have stated that he was bringing his girlfriend, but just because they are guests in someone's home doesn't mean he has to divulge the intimacies of their relationship to their host. Other than he'll be bringing a specific guest, the rest is none of the OP's business. He can still be there for his kids (who are teens and probably don't spend much time at home) and still have a girlfriend.
Um I wasn't talking to you or anyone but the OP who said she and his sister scolded the man. That was rude and out of line.
Why do you think your interpretation is better than mine? Why do you think you are so right?
He can have a girlfriend without his kids knowing. People date all the time without their kids knowing. He had the right to a love life and his kids don't have to be involved.
And again, everyone is different. You wouldn't date right away, fine, good for you. This man met someone he likes during a time of need and maybe it just felt right and since he just lost someone he didn't want to lose someone else. You don't know, I don't know, but I'm going to assume he is a decent guy who lucked into meeting someone during a hard time instead of a jerk who cheated in his wife, but hey that's just me. The OP never gave any indication that he was a bad guy in the habit of doing suspect things.
They discussed having a baby at the dinner table, so much for keeping their intentions under wraps.
The cousin is a moron, they have been dating each other 3 months and this woman is talking children? He must be insane. He is in his 40s. He will be close to retirement age when the kid is going to college.
As far as his kids go, their mother just died after a very short illness. Their world has been turned upside down, I highly doubt there lives are normal at this point. They need their father, and don't need this woman in the picture.
Sorry, you don't show up at someone's house with this woman in tow, don't mention the relationship, than start talking about having a baby when your wife has been gone only 3 months. And not expect family members to welcoming about it.
Again, she sounds like a real prize, she's a grandmother and she wants to have a baby?
He sounds like he is thinking with the wrong head.
If they're thinking about having kids, that pretty much validates the theory that they were dating before his wife died. NO ONE suddenly meets someone within three months and then starts planning to have children. They've known each other for a long time for their thinking/planning to be that far along.
I just didn't know if we were wrong to be upset he brought a new girlfriend around. I am upset they had the audacity to even talk about they are open to another baby. This women is 40 with a grandchild and he has 3 children from 14-17. Most of us are still upset about his wife death. His parents were especially close to his wife. Even though she was his wife she was around for almost 20 years if you include the time they dated. I had my family over for dinner yesterday and everyone was so uncomfortable. His girlfriend is fully aware his wife just passed but finds it ok to discuss her "future" plans with him.
We are all trying our best to behave but I would of rather he keep this to himself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr
If they're thinking about having kids, that pretty much validates the theory that they were dating before his wife died. NO ONE suddenly meets someone within three months and then starts planning to have children. They've known each other for a long time for their thinking/planning to be that far along.
That is my feeling, too.
I feel very sad for his middle school and high school age children who are grieving the sudden loss of their mother and really need their dad. And their father is already talking about starting a new family with another woman.
People are allowed to grieve and mourn and move on at whatever pace the deem suitable. It was quite rude of you two to give "your opinions" to a man who may have found happiness after a tragedy. The only person who can decide "how soon" is the person who experienced the loss, no one else.
Several years ago, I was part of a mommy forum. A few weeks after a member had her second baby, her husband was killed in an accident. She felt lost and thought she would never move on. About three months later, she met a man and felt instantly connected to him. She tried to deny her feelings and the relationship, because everyone (in her private life) kept telling her it was too soon and she needed to properly grieve, but her feelings for the new man were very strong (which she struggled with; felt guilty). She finally shushed the naysayers and started dating him. They got married less than six months later and were happily together for the entire time I was a member of that board.
You can't know what is right when you are on the outside looking in. Only the person knows. Your job is just to be supportive. This may be a fling that helps him grieve and not feel so alone after the sudden death of his partner or she could be his next wife. Either scenario is perfectly acceptable as long as it is what HE wants to do.
Well said but one should consider the feelings/beliefs of others also.
He is obviously not thinking clearly. I hope he returns to the reality he is avoiding before any new children are involved.
This is either a rebound from hell or they , like others have stated, were seeing each other before the wife's death.
Talking about making new babies at the dinner table is very uncool.
If my husband died today I would be in a state of shock for at least 6 months much less want to date anyone.
I have a childhood friend who is a funeral director and who's family have been in funeral service for over 100 years so they see death every day . His wife died of skin cancer at the age of 47 back in 2007 . He is happy with their 4 now adult sons. Some are married with kids now and his Dr keeps bugging him about when he is going to marry again . He says he is fine like he is and has a very full life . Her obit was HUGE and rambling and I could see he was running on pure adrenaline at the time and when he DID have to face it , he crashed full on and would say the wildest things in his bog he writes on grief.
We waited this part out and now he is a pretty close version of his old self , but the sadness is always just slightly there .
Both her parents died of cancer and this last year both of HIS parents died as well .
If they really have been dating three months (it is now the end of December) and his wife only died 2 3/4 months ago (early October) then they started dating either before the funeral or before she even died.
Maybe he meet her in the hospital emergency room and their first date was picking out caskets for his wife?
What a sleezeball. And, he blames his "needs". He is an insensitive jerk. His children must be absolutely devastated.
Yes, we can all say "he has his own timeline". However, let's think of it as a case where a woman with several teenagers divorces....we'd all be saying - think of the kids! Don't date until they're out of the house! Don't bring someone home! Geez - this guy gets all the breaks apparently - and why?
So one of my very close cousins came to visit me for the new year and is staying by me until saturday. They live about 5 hours a way and usually come up every year. So his wife died in the beginning of october. They were married for 16 years and have 3 children. All in there teens. The kids are visiting another one of our family members for the christmas. Well anyway he came to visit and bought his new girlfriend. He never mentioned to anyone he was seeing someone. I am very upset and told him it was a bit too son and quite tacky. He told me he was bringing his friend but I assumed he meant his best friend who usually comes up all the time and I have know since childhood. Not a new girlfriend. She was speaking to me while I was cooking and said they have been dating for 3 months. Like why would anyone start dating right after there wife dies.
Im just venting because I'm quite disgusted and I definitely gave him my opinion as did his sister. His only excuse was his NEEDS.
I truly would hope that whenever I go my husband will take a little bit of time to mourn me.
Jeez, that's what? Three months, maybe? I take longer than that to mourn the loss of a beloved pet. Even if your cousin and his deceased wife hated each other, your cousin should have had the decency to wait a day or so before taking up with number two. Plus, he's making it really hard on his kids, especially if they're teenagers. Like one moment there's Mom at the breakfast table and the next day some unknown floozy has taken her place? Must make the kids wonder if they're equally interchangable, too. I have known men who seemingly MUST have a woman at his side at all times, no matter what. It's like they're still little boys who need Mommy. I have an acquaintance like that and I was truely disgusted with his antics when he decided to leave his most recent wife (I think he's had 9 or 10 by now). They werem't even divorced yet, and he started making uninvited calls to my house. Usually he came bearing gifts that I had no interest in - usually some junk bit of jewelry. But sometimes he'd come with some other woman in tow as if to let me know that he was a major prize and I'd better grab him while I had the chance. BLECH! He was still living with his wife or ex or whatever she was, and he'd tell me intimate details about their sex life! I had the worst time getting rid of him. I guess he thought I was just playing hard to get when I ignored his voice mails, told him that I couldn't accept his trashy offerings of affection and told him that he was being extremely cruel to his wife/ex-wife to leave her in the situation she was in. I finally got rid of him by telling him that I was a Buddhist and seriously considering taking vows and spending the rest of my life as a chaste member of a Buddhist commune. Hah! Did he ever high tail it out of my life, evangelical christian that he is. But I digress...
Sure your cousin has "needs" - don't we all? But he also has 3 grief stricken children who need a father not Charlie Sheen. Reach out to your cousin's children if you can, and write off your cousin for what he is - a scared, selfish man who lacks the guts to stand on his own two feet for even a few months. As for to want an SO to mourn me, I guess I really don't care, since I'll be dead, anyhow. A good life together is what I'd hope for.
If they're thinking about having kids, that pretty much validates the theory that they were dating before his wife died. NO ONE suddenly meets someone within three months and then starts planning to have children. They've known each other for a long time for their thinking/planning to be that far along.
Exactly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf
Well said but one should consider the feelings/beliefs of others also.
Especially when the "others" are your own underage children who just lost their mother.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
!
