Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
When you have minor children involved you have to consider them first, not your "needs" as the cousin told the OP and his sister.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland
Exactly. You shouldn't feel ashamed. People deal with grief differently, and until someone has been in your situation they shouldn't say anything.
If my husband moves on within a week of my passing, I hope people treat him with kindness and understanding, as he will be deeply grieving.
A week? Please, anyone who moves on after a week isn't grieving.
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons
You really want to talk about MY husband learning to do things on his own? YOU want to open that can of worms????
This happened in Charlotte, North Carolina not South Florida.
My husband is far from helpless, he is very successful.
Actually, not at all. She didn't replace her husband, she fell in love and remarried.
It is very important to both of them to keep his memory alive for the three oldest children.
As a matter of fact, he has an excellent relationship with the deceased's family.
Well than he should be OK on his own, you're the one who said he was helpless. We pictured a guy who couldn't work a microwave, write a check out, or operate a washing machine.
No, YOU brought up that your husband "does not do well on his own".
I immediately pictured a man who was completely helpless on his own. Someone who never learned how to raise his children, how to do laundry, how to handle his own medical issues, how to handle a family budget, how to make social plans, how to deal with family & friends, how to cook, how to clean, how to run a household, etc. and needed to immediately get married again so that he would have a wife to do all of those things for him.
Maybe you meant something entirely different but within the context of this thread that is what I immediately pictured.
An elderly relative of my husband very honestly told everyone that was the reason that he got married so fast after his wife of 55 years died. He told everyone "I needed someone who could cook and clean and do the laundry and keep track of the checkbook and my doctor's appointments for me. I needed someone to talk to late at night (wink, wink). I needed another wife right away."
The above is a joke right? It's 2016.
That there are people in this world that cannot do the above is pathetic.
Your husband's friend was too stupid to hire a maid and an accountant so he got married? Was this in 1955?
If I passed, I would want my husband to find someone immediately. He doesn't do well on his own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Well than he should be OK on his own, you're the one who said he was helpless. We pictured a guy who couldn't work a microwave, write a check out, or operate a washing machine.
You need to reread my post. I included it for you.
I said he doesn't do well on his own. Where did I say he was helpless? HUGE difference.
Well when my first husband passed at age 38 accident I waited 9 yrs before I remarried and have been with him ever since . He was like the 3rd man I seriously dated and I dated him for 2 yrs before deciding to get remarried . I don't understand men remarrying so quickly and yes I guess some men just don't do well on their own or maybe their wife has spoiled them to having someone to do for them who knows ? I guess women just wait awhile longer because we are emotional creatures and men are visual creatures . But that is just my opinion .
Some women. Not all women.
I had a neighbor whose husband passed away suddenly. He literally had a heart attack while on the phone with her and died. The paramedics tried to save him, but he was gone. He was 39 years old. She started dating several men within a month. In less than 6 months, she let the house go into foreclosure and moved in with her latest man. They were engaged.
It's different for everyone. It's no one's business what others do. It's not your problem. It's not your life. If you can't be happy for others, then maybe it's best you stay away from them.
No, YOU brought up that your husband "does not do well on his own".
I immediately pictured a man who was completely helpless on his own. Someone who never learned how to raise his children, how to do laundry, how to handle his own medical issues, how to handle a family budget, how to make social plans, how to deal with family & friends, how to cook, how to clean, how to run a household, etc. and needed to immediately get married again so that he would have a wife to do all of those things for him.
Maybe you meant something entirely different but within the context of this thread that is what I immediately pictured.
An elderly relative of my husband very honestly told everyone that was the reason that he got married so fast after his wife of 55 years died. He told everyone "I needed someone who could cook and clean and do the laundry and keep track of the checkbook and my doctor's appointments for me. I needed someone to talk to late at night (wink, wink). I needed another wife right away."
I see where she's coming from....my husband is the same way. He's not elderly. Not even close. There are things he has never had any desire in dealing with. I handle all of our finances. He's not even sure which banks we use and what credit cards we have yet they're all in his wallet!
Ask him to go grocery shopping? Oh kill me now! I have to write everything down with specific brand names. If I know the weights/package size and price it helps. If I can tell him which aisle and where in the aisle, he'll be home before 3 am.
The only laundry he does are towels and bedding. I've made that very simple for him. He does them while I'm at work. He works from home. Those loads take 2 hours to wash so doing them at night is tough. Forget washing clothes. He just gets confused and frustrated. It's not worth the hassle since I am here to do it.
He doesn't have to worry about these types of things because I do them. So if I kicked the bucket tomorrow, he would be at a loss. I pity anyone who sees him in a grocery store trying to figure out which bread we eat. Same one for 20 years!
So one of my very close cousins came to visit me for the new year and is staying by me until saturday. They live about 5 hours a way and usually come up every year. So his wife died in the beginning of october. They were married for 16 years and have 3 children. All in there teens. The kids are visiting another one of our family members for the christmas. Well anyway he came to visit and bought his new girlfriend. He never mentioned to anyone he was seeing someone. I am very upset and told him it was a bit too son and quite tacky. He told me he was bringing his friend but I assumed he meant his best friend who usually comes up all the time and I have know since childhood. Not a new girlfriend. She was speaking to me while I was cooking and said they have been dating for 3 months. Like why would anyone start dating right after there wife dies.
Im just venting because I'm quite disgusted and I definitely gave him my opinion as did his sister. His only excuse was his NEEDS.
I truly would hope that whenever I go my husband will take a little bit of time to mourn me.
Well, wait until you're in those shoes before you judge too harshly. I think the term 'tacky' to describe someone who wants to fill the void in his life says more about you than it does about him.
Now would I recommend getting into a relationship a scant two months after burying a spouse? Of course not. Yet grieving people are in the throes of pain. People in pain are far more intent on relieving their pain than doing what's sensible. They simply are not thinking straight, no matter how smart they might be. A lot of posters on this thread seem to think that people come home from the funeral and pick up the pieces inside of a couple of weeks, making logical, healthy decisions. Nothing could be further from the truth.
My business partner, a larger-than-life kind of guy, died on Christmas Day twenty years ago after a very brief illness. He left behind a 35-year-old wife and a four-year-old. His wife was kind of new to the city, didn't have many friends, and her social life pretty much revolved around her husband's social circle. So her loneliness was absolutely palpable. My wife did what we could to help, but our first child had just been born and I was pulling all-nighters to hold the business together after my partner's death.
So some acquaintance of my late partner arrived on the scene about a month after the funeral and invited Julia out to lunch. She asked me what I thought, to which I said, "Oh, Julia, what could it hurt?"
Worst advice I ever gave. This guy was an accomplished womanizer and sensed how lonely and vulnerable she was. Within two more weeks, they were having a torrid relationship. The guy essentially isolated her from the friends she had, and then insisted she move to another city with him six months later. Two years later, she had The Talk with him and asked where things were going. "Married? I don't want to raise another man's kid," was what he said. He and I are in the same professional circles and, to this day, I refuse to give him a dime of my business.
The damage was already done. Julia was completely shunned by her in-laws due to getting so quickly into a new relationship. And her daughter remained angry for years at being shunted from one household to another. When she moved back to town, she and I had lunch. I used that opportunity to ask why she got so involved so quickly. "I was just so lonely," was her reply.
In response to your question? They can start to date again when they're emotionally ready, which is almost always far longer than they think. But it's your job to understand their reasons and provide support and guidance, not cast aspersions on them.
No, YOU brought up that your husband "does not do well on his own".
I immediately pictured a man who was completely helpless on his own. Someone who never learned how to raise his children, how to do laundry, how to handle his own medical issues, how to handle a family budget, how to make social plans, how to deal with family & friends, how to cook, how to clean, how to run a household, etc. and needed to immediately get married again so that he would have a wife to do all of those things for him.
Maybe you meant something entirely different but within the context of this thread that is what I immediately pictured.
An elderly relative of my husband very honestly told everyone that was the reason that he got married so fast after his wife of 55 years died. He told everyone "I needed someone who could cook and clean and do the laundry and keep track of the checkbook and my doctor's appointments for me. I needed someone to talk to late at night (wink, wink). I needed another wife right away."
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons
The above is a joke right? It's 2016.
That there are people in this world that cannot do the above is pathetic.
Your husband's friend was too stupid to hire a maid and an accountant so he got married? Was this in 1955?
While this was a few years ago, I suspect that his 80 year old male relative felt that it was just easier to get remarried right away esp. to handle the "talk to late at night (wink, wink)" stuff.
You need to reread my post. I included it for you.
I said he doesn't do well on his own. Where did I say he was helpless? HUGE difference.
I'd hate for him to be lonely.
I'm sorry, I pictured "helpless" as the reason why a late spouse would want a husband to remarry quickly.
Not wanting your husband to be lonely in the days/weeks after your death was not what I thought that you meant. I am sorry that your husband does not have any children or siblings or parents or relatives or friends or neighbors that may help him with his grief and ease his loneliness if you die first. That is actually pretty sad.
I'm sorry, I pictured "helpless" as the reason why a late spouse would want a husband to remarry quickly.
Not wanting your husband to be lonely in the days/weeks after your death was not what I thought that you meant. I am sorry that your husband does not have any children or siblings or parents or relatives or friends or neighbors that may help him with his grief and ease his loneliness if you die first. That is actually pretty sad.
Wow. You're rather presumptive, aren't you? Maybe they moved away from friends and family. Maybe he was an only child. Maybe they didn't have children. Maybe their children have moved away. Maybe he's in a small community. There are a host of reasons why someone might feel that way in the face of loss that has nothing to do with deficient social skills. Having dealt with enough widows and widowers at my relatively young age, I'm thinking that compassion and understanding are the default here.
Wow. You're rather presumptive, aren't you? Maybe they moved away from friends and family. Maybe he was an only child. Maybe they didn't have children. Maybe their children have moved away. Maybe he's in a small community. There are a host of reasons why someone might feel that way in the face of loss that has nothing to do with deficient social skills. Having dealt with enough widows and widowers at my relatively young age, I'm thinking that compassion and understanding are the default here.
This thread was about a widower, with three children at home, whose wife died 2 3/4 months ago whose GF said that they had been dating 3 months and they are already talking about having a baby together.
While I certain can understand not wanting the spouse that you left behind to be lonely, I was looking at this from the perspective of this thread --- widows/widowers dating immediately (or possibly even before) the death of their spouse.
It is true that the friends, co-workers and relatives that I know did not start dating until six months, a year or several years after their spouse died so maybe I do not understand someone who starts dating only a few days after their spouse dies. Perhaps, my experience is not typical. But, that has been my experience.
I probably should step away from this thread.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
