"I'd rather not, but...."

[CSD610]

My Mother's favorite place to eat out is Golden Corral, I dislike most buffet restaurants however, when we take her out to eat we always go to Golden Corral because that is what she likes. I can control the amount of food I consume so it really is not a huge issue. Sometimes you do something just to make someone else happy.

[Mr. In-Between]

Originally Posted by elhelmete

I'm thinking more like when people say something like, "I'd rather not go to dinner with ____, she's always bitter and whining," or, "I'd rather not go to _____ to eat, we never get good service and the menu is lame."

Regarding stuff like the above, if the person says that but keeps on doing it, isn't that sort of, well, stupid? Dishonest in some way?

It depends. Sorry, but I don't think there's enough detail in the post to really answer the question.

People have reasons for doing water it is that they're doing, so in order to answer the question we'd need to know the reason they keep doing what they say they don't want to do. For example, if I say that I hate MacDonald's (which I do), but I stop at MacDonald's every day on the way home from work to have a hamburger, then yeah - that's not only dishonest, but stupid as well. I'm being both a hypocrite and a dummy, because I have no reason at all for doing what it is I say I do not want to do.

But if my wife likes MacDonald's, and whenever we drive past one she wants to stop and have lunch, then there isn't necessarily anything hypocritical or foolish about stopping for a hamburger. In this case, if I stop and eat at MacDonald's, I have a very good reason for doing it. I still hate MacDonald's, but I love my wife more than I hate their food - and if it makes her happy for us to share time together by having a Big Mac, then it's worth it for me to set aside how disgusting their food is for 15 minutes or so. It's not going to kill me, so what the heck? Why not?

Originally Posted by elhelmete

This is a good example of what I was reaching for.

Let's say the person is NOT fun and you ultimately DON'T enjoy it...but every time they ask you to dinner, you agree but say to your spouse (or whomever), "I'd rather not go to dinner with XXX but..." So you go, and it's the same as always but then you do it again and again...

Strikes me as odd at best.

OK, with something like that... I think I have to ask myself how important it is to my wife that I go with her, and weigh that against how important it is to me that I don't. There are some people whom I dislike so much, and find so irritating, that I really don't want to socialize with them at all, and my wife understands that and respects me enough not to ask me to do so. And there are others who annoy me or bother me enough that I really prefer not to spend time with them, but it doesn't exactly kill me - so my wife once again respects me enough to take that into consideration and not ask me very often; while at the same time I respect her enough that when she does ask me, and it seems important to her, I'll set aside my personal feelings and suck it up for an hour or two.

I don't think it's very complicated. It's just about establishing priorities, making choices, and sometimes compromising when there's a good enough reason to do so. Seems pretty simple and straightforward, really.

[elhelmete]

Thanks for the replies...at least most of them !

I don't disagree for a minute that doing many things you don't want to do can be the best route. Things like studying, going to work, attending a wedding of a close relative, comforting a sick friend, etc. These are worthy things to do and doing them makes you a better person, IMHO.

What prompted me to post what I did was concerning the more mundane, non-essential things.

Some background...

Call it a mid-life thing if you'd like (I'm nearing 50yo), but about 6 months ago I started being acutely aware of how I spend my time as a father, husband, and individual. Aware as in seeing how doing certain things means NOT doing other things. After all there are only 24 hours in a day no matter what.

It sunk in that I really don't become a better father/husband/individual by allowing guilt and peer pressure to determine what I do with my time.

I started thinking about the opportunities lost by, say, doing the same thing for vacation for 15 years.

I started thinking about the people I don't get closer to if I choose instead to hang out with people I don't really like out of guilt.

On my deathbed I doubt I'll say, "boy I wish I had hung out with Bitter Billy one more time instead of hanging with my kids."

I doubt I'll say, "yeah going to ____ for vacation for the 18th time, and listening to all the complaints and bickering, was better than suggesting we go to ####"

I doubt I'll say, "spending those extra 3 hours listening to Debbie Downer was a better choice than going home to watch a movie with my wife."

Guilt and lack of self-esteem are really poor things to be motivated by. And if I'm going to be a martyr, it's going to be for something more important than keeping silly social engagements I'm not fond of.

[winrunner]

And here I thought, and meant to ask you if, you saw something in a movie that prompted this thread. I recently watched a movie where one guy and his wife went to dinner with his brother and wife to the same restaurant once a month and it was apparent that the first brother would rather be doing something else. When I saw your thread I immediately thought you had seen the same movie


You obviously have a better reason than the movie. Be grateful that you became aware of this now instead of when nearing 60 or even 55. We all know that we're not guaranteed any time on this earth, but we act like we have all the time in the world. We don't, so plan your time accordingly.


Happy New Year elhelmete and I'd like to prematurely welcome you to the "Over the Hill 50+" club

[Cida]

Originally Posted by elhelmete

When/why/how do you decide when you go with your instinct of not wanting to do something versus pushing through and doing it?

For instance, I'd rather not do a lot of things like attend funerals, get up at 5am to go to the gym, etc., but I know intellectually they're good things for me to do.

I'm thinking more like when people say something like, "I'd rather not go to dinner with ____, she's always bitter and whining," or, "I'd rather not go to _____ to eat, we never get good service and the menu is lame."

Regarding stuff like the above, if the person says that but keeps on doing it, isn't that sort of, well, stupid? Dishonest in some way?

These aren't great examples.

I suppose that whether you do something or not depends on things like whether it involves a social duty, whether it involves a lot of time, whether it involves a lot of effort, and whether it involves a lot of unhappiness. Also, in depends on whom you're accommodating.

But it sounds like, to a certain extent, you're focusing on the person saying "I'd rather not." It's not at all dishonest if the person is saying he'd rathe not. You could say that he's saying it to indicate he's being a good sport. Or, on the other hand, maybe he's just griping.

[jazzcat22]

I do understand where the OP is coming from. It's obvious that you should force yourself to exercise even if you don't want to because it's good for your health. And to do stuff that you don't to do for the people you love and who love you.

But what gets nebulous is how much socializing to do with people you would really prefer not to spend time with doing things you'd rather not do. I pushed myself to do a lot of things with a lot of people to fight my introversion and because social interaction is supposedly so healthy. But it IS a zero sum game. When we spend time and energy on one thing, we are taking those precious commodities away from other things. So I've learned that I need to be more selective about who and what I spend time with. I have to recognize and accept that I find my fulfillment from solitary activities.

I love what the writer Paul Coehlo has said: "When you say "Yes" to others, make sure you are not saying "No" to yourself." I tried to transcend myself by doing for others and putting them first before myself, but that can backfire and since I am not looking for sainthood but equanimity and peace and contentment, I will say "Yes" to myself first. If I can fit other people into the equation while still doing this, then it's a win-win. (I don't have kids and I already sacrificed lots to keep my elderly parents at home until they died, so I do have this luxury.(

[Nickchick]

I don't know if there's much mundane activities for me like that. The most mundane thing I can think of that I'd "rather not" do is take a shower. I dread it because I know that's where I get most of my panic attacks from but I know I'll feel like crap if I don't do it so I'm not doing it for anyone else just me.

It's interesting that you should post this though. Lately I've been thinking I'd "rather not" do my "beer money" sites anymore but I end up feeling like crap when I don't do them. But some people would tell me I should quit but I feel like a bad person if I don't do them because I don't have a job and so then I feel like a burden. I know that if I don't do them I won't feel like doing anything else and just stand around feeling sleepy but having to feel like doing them every day I am burnt out.

If looking for a job counts as mundane then perhaps I do more of that than I thought. I'd definitely "rather not" do that. I'd rather just someone knock on my door and give me the job because when I try to put forth effort, I get blown off so many times. I know I want one more than anything. I know I'll feel better about myself if I get one but the rejection makes it not feel worth it. It doesn't matter that I tried. I've already failed myself if I can't land it. That's all that ever matters to me.

[elyn02]

Originally Posted by elhelmete

Thanks for the replies...at least most of them !

I don't disagree for a minute that doing many things you don't want to do can be the best route. Things like studying, going to work, attending a wedding of a close relative, comforting a sick friend, etc. These are worthy things to do and doing them makes you a better person, IMHO.

What prompted me to post what I did was concerning the more mundane, non-essential things.

Some background...

Call it a mid-life thing if you'd like (I'm nearing 50yo), but about 6 months ago I started being acutely aware of how I spend my time as a father, husband, and individual. Aware as in seeing how doing certain things means NOT doing other things. After all there are only 24 hours in a day no matter what.

It sunk in that I really don't become a better father/husband/individual by allowing guilt and peer pressure to determine what I do with my time.

I started thinking about the opportunities lost by, say, doing the same thing for vacation for 15 years.

I started thinking about the people I don't get closer to if I choose instead to hang out with people I don't really like out of guilt.

On my deathbed I doubt I'll say, "boy I wish I had hung out with Bitter Billy one more time instead of hanging with my kids."

I doubt I'll say, "yeah going to ____ for vacation for the 18th time, and listening to all the complaints and bickering, was better than suggesting we go to ####"

I doubt I'll say, "spending those extra 3 hours listening to Debbie Downer was a better choice than going home to watch a movie with my wife."

Guilt and lack of self-esteem are really poor things to be motivated by. And if I'm going to be a martyr, it's going to be for something more important than keeping silly social engagements I'm not fond of.

I have found that if you have higher expectations of people, one of two things will happen. They will rise to your expectations or they will fade away. Yes, some will be more vocal in either process and make you feel like maybe you should try a little harder to be accepting of their behavior. But always maintain your high expectations.

I believe saying things like "I'd rather not, but..." is living life passively and I can see you recognize this with this latest post. So, yes, if there is no benefit being around an unpleasant person, don't be around them.