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Old 01-04-2016, 04:10 PM
 
Location: Arizona
323 posts, read 344,845 times
Reputation: 638

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsRick24 View Post
Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and outright tell her: "Mom, this is my wife, the woman who I intend to spend the rest of my life with! Don't talk to my wife like that!!! You got a problem, talk to me, but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE **** EVER AGAIN!!!"
He said that to her after the whole screaming at me while he was away business, but I think he feels bad about that. It seems like he is walking a tight wire - a loyalty to his parents and a loyalty to me. Because of what I've observed of their behavior, I don't think his parents are good people, but it's gotta be near impossible for him to come to that realization.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
Your husband has things to work through. May take some time.
You're right - he does. There's a lot of things he just doesn't want to open his eyes to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
I don't think you did anything wrong.

I am so glad my parents never did the make us grandparents thing. I have seen that too often.
Thanks...I just hate seeing the chaos. I would love to cut ties with them and be done with the whole thing, but I can't so I'm just going to avoid like crazy.
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Old 01-04-2016, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Arizona
323 posts, read 344,845 times
Reputation: 638
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
While, I completely agree that the decision whether or not to have children is 100% up to the husband and wife, I can tell you that grandchildren are very, very important to some people. Especially, with their son waiting until he was in his late 30s to get married it is possible that his parents built up their expectations very high over the years. When they found out that he was marrying a woman young enough to have children their expectations probably just got bigger and bigger but their long awaited dream for grandchildren was dashed when they discovered that you voluntarily were sterilized.


To them it may have been like slapping them in the face and saying "well, your son is 'good enough' to marry but your genes are not 'good enough' for me to want to perpetuate your line."


His parents may have reacted totally different if their son was the one who was sterilized and said "Mom and Dad, we decided that I was too old to be a good father (or some other reason that focused on him not you)".
But here's the thing, we weren't going to tell them at all. It was a private and personal decision. We knew they already had a child's room built in their house long before we ever got together. Fate just intervened and they found out. I get that they wanted grandchildren, but my husband was always open about not even liking kids and I already raised one (my brother is much younger than me and I raised him after our parents died). They knew all of this and knew we weren't keen to talk about kids at all. So the overreaction was a little over the top in my opinion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Obviously, you can not do anything about what happened in the past, but it really was unfortunate that they found out about the whole decision regarding children so soon after you were married. And, that it was a permanent decision. Maybe if they had grown to love and respect and know better you first their reaction may have been different.
They knew me for nearly two years beforehand and we hadn't exactly lied and said we were planning a family. We just said repeatedly that we really enjoyed our life as is and our furkids were our kiddos. Just because we didn't outright say we didn't want kids and were planning sterilization (a deeply personal decision), didn't mean we were deceiving them. They really have no part in that decision at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I agree with the other posters that your husband needs to take the lead in dealing with his parents. And, he may need to choose between them and you.
It makes me sad that it would ever even potentially come to that...there shouldn't need to be a choice. I just wish his parents would behave like adults and not like children. There's compromise in everything and I'm willing to be cordial to them, but they have to accept that not everything will go exactly their way.
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Old 01-04-2016, 04:28 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,053,827 times
Reputation: 62662
Perhaps if your husband had made the no children topic closed for discussion with his parents before you ever got married things in regards to that would not be so volatile. Then after you got married you both should have madethe no children topic closed for discussion the first time it came up. Then there would be doubts or unspoken expectations in regards to this topic.
You both gave his Mother a very small glimmer of hope long ago that you would have children and that fact is not her fault, that is yours for not being very clear.
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Old 01-04-2016, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,018,492 times
Reputation: 51113
Quote:
Originally Posted by TxHeather View Post
But here's the thing, we weren't going to tell them at all. It was a private and personal decision.
We knew they already had a child's room built in their house long before we ever got together. Fate just intervened and they found out. I get that they wanted grandchildren, but my husband was always open about not even liking kids and I already raised one (my brother is much younger than me and I raised him after our parents died). They knew all of this and knew we weren't keen to talk about kids at all. So the overreaction was a little over the top in my opinion.
Wow, I have heard about people building & decorating rooms for grandchildren before they were even conceived/born but I never actually knew anyone who had a parent/in-law actually do it.


Wow, I doubt that whenever & however they found out that you & hubby were not going to have kids it would have been any different. They would still be unhappy and unaccepting of that fact.


I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds very difficult.
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Old 01-04-2016, 04:37 PM
 
Location: Arizona
323 posts, read 344,845 times
Reputation: 638
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Perhaps if your husband had made the no children topic closed for discussion with his parents before you ever got married things in regards to that would not be so volatile. Then after you got married you both should have madethe no children topic closed for discussion the first time it came up. Then there would be doubts or unspoken expectations in regards to this topic.
You both gave his Mother a very small glimmer of hope long ago that you would have children and that fact is not her fault, that is yours for not being very clear.
Perhaps you are right...At the time, we felt it was a private issue and not something we needed to discuss at all. I've never heard of anyone having a discussion with parents about their child choices...to me that seems unnecessary and intrusive, but who am I to say? My husband and I are the eldest children in our families and this bridge was never crossed by either of us before. We are private people and just talked about it together several times and went ahead with the procedure. We didn't think any other discussion with anyone else was needed. I only told one close friend who knew I didn't want to have children and she was very supportive. None of my other friends knew until things escalated with my mother-in-law and I couldn't hide it anymore.

I don't know...do people normally involve parents in discussions about children? (I'm not being a smart-a**, I am just curious)
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Old 01-04-2016, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Arizona
323 posts, read 344,845 times
Reputation: 638
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Wow, I have heard about people building & decorating rooms for grandchildren before they were even conceived/born but I never actually knew anyone who had a parent/in-law actually do it.
Yep, it scared me when I first saw it. It's yellow with blue and has a canopy bed, lots of toys, Little Golden Books, a TV, DVD player, Disney movies and a playpen in the closet. They also have a crib in the garage that they bought at a garage sale a few years back (before my husband and I met). That's one reason we weren't going to tell them.
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Old 01-04-2016, 05:33 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,072,590 times
Reputation: 32726
Wow (re your OP) !! Your husband should have, or should now, tell them in no uncertain terms, that this was a decision you made together, and it was every bit as much his wishes as yours. Although, there is so much water under the bridge now, I don't know how much good it would do. Yelling at you until you were cowering in the corner crying??? There is just no excuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TxHeather View Post
Perhaps you are right...At the time, we felt it was a private issue and not something we needed to discuss at all. I've never heard of anyone having a discussion with parents about their child choices...to me that seems unnecessary and intrusive, but who am I to say? My husband and I are the eldest children in our families and this bridge was never crossed by either of us before. We are private people and just talked about it together several times and went ahead with the procedure. We didn't think any other discussion with anyone else was needed. I only told one close friend who knew I didn't want to have children and she was very supportive. None of my other friends knew until things escalated with my mother-in-law and I couldn't hide it anymore.

I don't know...do people normally involve parents in discussions about children? (I'm not being a smart-a**, I am just curious)
We didn't tell our parents we were trying for kids, and we didn't tell them when DH got snipped. They continued to bug us about having another for a few more years until they all finally figured we were done. ETA In your situation, it would have been a major elephant in the room. You knew they wanted them badly, so badly they furnished a room, and you knew it would now be all but impossible to ever have any. It is almost lying my omission (not really, but almost) to just let them think you'd eventually be pregnant when you both knew it wasn't going to happen ever. You're right, though. It isn't their business.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TxHeather View Post
Yep, it scared me when I first saw it. It's yellow with blue and has a canopy bed, lots of toys, Little Golden Books, a TV, DVD player, Disney movies and a playpen in the closet. They also have a crib in the garage that they bought at a garage sale a few years back (before my husband and I met). That's one reason we weren't going to tell them.


This isn't your fault. To be kind, she is mourning the grand kids she never had. I understand her sadness, but, to be blunt, she sounds crazy. There is no justification for her treating you like she has. None.
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Old 01-04-2016, 05:37 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,053,827 times
Reputation: 62662
Quote:
Originally Posted by TxHeather View Post
Perhaps you are right...At the time, we felt it was a private issue and not something we needed to discuss at all. I've never heard of anyone having a discussion with parents about their child choices...to me that seems unnecessary and intrusive, but who am I to say? My husband and I are the eldest children in our families and this bridge was never crossed by either of us before. We are private people and just talked about it together several times and went ahead with the procedure. We didn't think any other discussion with anyone else was needed. I only told one close friend who knew I didn't want to have children and she was very supportive. None of my other friends knew until things escalated with my mother-in-law and I couldn't hide it anymore.

I don't know...do people normally involve parents in discussions about children? (I'm not being a smart-a**, I am just curious)
ONLY when said parent/friend/relative/coworker/busy body pain in the behind pushes the boundary.
Then you make it very clear the topic is not open for discussion, their opinion has not been asked for, nor is it required and IF they continue to approach the subject with you or other family members there will be consequences.
It may sound mean and cold hearted however at times it is a necessary evil to set those boundaries then stand up to those boundaries in the future and allow no one to cross that line.
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Old 01-04-2016, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Yakima yes, an apartment!
8,340 posts, read 6,739,789 times
Reputation: 15129
Quote:
Originally Posted by TxHeather View Post
My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and during that time, my relationship has seemed to implode with his parents.

We sent them cupcakes for Christmas and my husband called a few times to just say "hi" and see how they were doing, but it just went to voicemail. I feel horrible. Maybe I have caused all this.
Obviously this family has some major issues.....I'd just put them out of mind and focus on my life.
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Old 01-04-2016, 05:42 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,072,590 times
Reputation: 32726
oh, and re the original Q about filling in the other family members, I think you should. I think your husband, in a very non-confrontational way, should try to talk to them about it. It isn't fair for you both to lose family members who only know one side of the story. Make it clear that you don't want them to have to pick sides, but let them know they mean a lot to you, and you don't want to lose them, and think they deserve to hear your side.
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