Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Who's life are you trying to live ?
Free yourself from the shame and guilt and take back your dreams and hopes that you had when you first went into the marriage.
Sit down and write a letter to everyone who has a grievance with you and let them know that you will no longer be entertaining their petty manipulations and establish ground rules for the rules of engagement when a civil confrontation is inevitable. Tell them that it's not all about them.
These people need to be taught how to act like family and how to establish and respect boundaries and until you let them know what your boundaries are, they will continue to act like children and stomp all over you and your spouse.
The worst that can happen is that they will cut you off and not speak to you again which doesn't really sound so bad as the noise level will go way down in your brain and you can go forward in living a stressfree and productive life.
Who's life are you trying to live ?
Free yourself from the shame and guilt and take back your dreams and hopes that you had when you first went into the marriage.
Sit down and write a letter to everyone who has a grievance with you and let them know that you will no longer be entertaining their petty manipulations and establish ground rules for the rules of engagement when a civil confrontation is inevitable. Tell them that it's not all about them.
These people need to be taught how to act like family and how to establish and respect boundaries and until you let them know what your boundaries are, they will continue to act like children and stomp all over you and your spouse.
The worst that can happen is that they will cut you off and not speak to you again which doesn't really sound so bad as the noise level will go way down in your brain and you can go forward in living a stressfree and productive life.
Nick - I love your idea but I have a feeling if I wrote my in-laws a letter, it would only cause more turmoil. His mother would call my husband faux crying about how my letter hurt her feelings and agitated his dad's heart etc. (the woman is a manipulator). Then my husband would get mad at me and while he'd let it go, he'd still say I stirred the pot.
Nick - I love your idea but I have a feeling if I wrote my in-laws a letter, it would only cause more turmoil. His mother would call my husband faux crying about how my letter hurt her feelings and agitated his dad's heart etc. (the woman is a manipulator). Then my husband would get mad at me and while he'd let it go, he'd still say I stirred the pot.
It's almost like I'm in a Cold War right now. Ugh
You are !
But until you declare your declaration of independence, you will have lost all control of your life and will keep being subjected to their crazyness.
You'll see this this one day when you reach your breaking point.
Until then, stay strong and try to hang onto the steering wheel of your destiny.
You can't change them; you can only change how you react TO them.
Or, better yet, don't react at all-- your MIL loves the turmoil, drama and conflict. It feeds her psychosis and validates (in her mind) her continued vendetta against you.
No letters, no meetings, no discussions with them. It's not going to change anything, it will just give them more fuel and fodder for this 'war'. Just stop interacting and please stop blaming yourself, it's NOT you-- and it's NOT your actions. It's THEM. Sadly, you can do no right in their eyes-- there's no need to continue to try, it's futile.
As I mentioned before, I am in a similar-ish situation with my husband's family (and I again want to emphasize that even if you DID provide them grandchildren, that would only create additional topics/dilemmas/issues-- how you feed them, how you discipline them, the clothing you choose, the schools they attend-- all of these topics and more would just be more conflict).
Allow your husband to interact with them, should he choose to do so but you, as a topic, are to be OFF LIMITS, otherwise he should cease communication.
I promise you, walking away and no longer interacting will take a huge weight off of your shoulders. This is an unwinnable war, don't bother fighting.
As soon as my MIL starts up with her craziness, my husband shuts her down. That's what your husband has to do. There is no trying to be sympathetic and/or understanding---remove yourselves from the situation. If my MIL starts getting crazy on the phone, my husband gives her a chance. He tells her stop or he's hanging up. And then he does when she doesn't stop. If she calls back, the phone goes unanswered.
Your husband is trying but with his family, any conversations about joint decisions should be "I" or "we" and never just you. He should be doing the talking, ALWAYS, because with a family like his you will never win.
If my MIL ever yelled at me until I cowered in the corner, which wouldn't happen anyway, I would never speak to her again. No one talks to me that way. And even if she tried, my husband would go nuts.
I will only see my MIL on special occasions, like holidays or her birthday. I do not visit her otherwise. No one in my husband's family is allowed to have my number. It's that easy, if your partner has your back 100%. Do not get sucked into the drama---life is much better that way. Good luck and be good to yourself---some people will never be pleased.
Y'all are right...talking with them or trying to reason with them is impossible. She LOVES to do things like that...that's why they call when I'm at work. They want to try and upset me when I'm focused and in my comfort area. Just like when they call my husband, he always thinks it's just his dad on the line, but his mom is on the extension listening and sometimes talks.
The whole thing just seems abnormal to me and I've stopped trying to understand it or make excuses. Everything you've said it right - I will never be "enough" in her eyes and she will always see me as an adversary. I've come to the point where I figure I might as well be the villain she has painted me to be and just say forget all of you.
My husband and I are going to have to figure this out together though. I know he feels torn and whenever we talk about it, he always ends up saying "but they're my parents." Like I mentioned before, I can't imagine what that kind of emotion must feel like for him. He has to feel caught between two worlds and that's no way to have to go through life. I'm hoping a counselor can help us sort through all of this and maybe with neutral eyes help him see things for what they are and help me figure out how to survive them.
Like so many of you have pointed out, there's a reason why they have difficult relationships with their children and there's a reason why they don't have any friends (which is weird after living in the same place for over 30 years and him being a fireman - aren't they like brothers?). They're the common denominator, but they are so delusional, that they can't see it. All they have is their enormous home in Texas (over 8,000 sq. ft) and all of their things. They've only had a couple visitors in 6 years there. That should say something, but they don't want to admit it.
Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. It's good (and sad) knowing I'm not alone in this. I'm sorry for how your in laws treated you and commend you helping your MIL in her old age. I couldn't do it. I'd rather never see my in laws again
I understand love and I did go for five years or more not seeing them. My father in law specifically asked me to come because he "missed me." I declined not to put myself in harms way. He died shortly after and I got a ration of crap from my mother in law at his funeral. Ah yeah, well I'm not a masochist thank you. The rest of his family treated me like crap except for his fruit loop sister that I met once, which was enough. She threw her arms around me like we were besties and wailed uncontrollably, which left me quit uncomfortable. The rest were just rude and mean with snarky comments like "Oh you're here."
John's other sister passed in June at 62 from pancreatic cancer and I talked with her on Skype while John went up to help her. We were never close but I still felt bad for her. I did my best to be comforting. You can't be mean to somebody that sick.
I saw my brother in law for the first time in over ten years in October. John didn't tell me that he was on his way over to my mother in laws house which I didn't appreciate. We had our two dogs with and they started barking at him when he walked in. I apologized and controlled them and was shocked to see who it was. I was cordial and he actually said "You look good." Huh, so out of character. Did he call us back when we couldn't get a hold of John's mother who was on the floor on Christmas day when John called? No. It took two more days before we found out that she was okay. So typical of him.
Relationships never stay the same and are in a constant sea of change. I agree that you need to take a step back, set boundaries,and sit back and watch. If your in laws are smart they will adapt with respect. If they're as socially retarded as my in laws are then it's hopeless. I'm lucky that John was never close to them. He hates going up to see his mother more then I do. We are heading up again soon to clean her house, but I had to bribe him with skiing in the U.P.
If your husband is close to his family then you may have to compromise for the sake of his happiness. My poor John sure did with one of my now ex friends. He just couldn't stand the sight of her, yet he was gracious when we were together. There is something to be said for taking the high road Within reason.
If your husband is close to his family then you may have to compromise for the sake of his happiness. My poor John sure did with one of my now ex friends. He just couldn't stand the sight of her, yet he was gracious when we were together. There is something to be said for taking the high road Within reason.
Holy cow...what a story! I still commend you for sticking to your guns, but also being willing to help when no one else would. That takes spirit and strong character.
As for my husband, I wouldn't say that he's close to his parents. Rather, he's just well-trained. I know that sounds horrible, but it's the only word that seems appropriate. His parents can say certain things to him that trigger him to fall in line with them and then the spell wears off and he's normal again. I'm glad we live states away. God help me if they lived closer.
Like I mentioned, I am willing to compromise to a certain extent. We can see them when they are in town, but they are not, under ANY circumstance, allowed in our home. We are also not going to do big family holidays together. They ruined that with their antics and my husband has communicated that to them.
Only time will tell what else happens. I swear his mom just sits at home all day stewing over what she can do next. I think that's why I always feel outplayed and outwitted. Her drama isn't my fulltime job. haha
You can't change them; you can only change how you react TO them.
Or, better yet, don't react at all-- your MIL loves the turmoil, drama and conflict. It feeds her psychosis and validates (in her mind) her continued vendetta against you.
No letters, no meetings, no discussions with them. It's not going to change anything, it will just give them more fuel and fodder for this 'war'. Just stop interacting and please stop blaming yourself, it's NOT you-- and it's NOT your actions. It's THEM. Sadly, you can do no right in their eyes-- there's no need to continue to try, it's futile.
As I mentioned before, I am in a similar-ish situation with my husband's family (and I again want to emphasize that even if you DID provide them grandchildren, that would only create additional topics/dilemmas/issues-- how you feed them, how you discipline them, the clothing you choose, the schools they attend-- all of these topics and more would just be more conflict).
Allow your husband to interact with them, should he choose to do so but you, as a topic, are to be OFF LIMITS, otherwise he should cease communication.
I promise you, walking away and no longer interacting will take a huge weight off of your shoulders. This is an unwinnable war, don't bother fighting.
This^^^. I just recently had a similar experience with my sister-in-law...she accused me of things I never did or twisted what I said to have deeper meanings...I tried to defend myself but it only served to infuriate her more...then she tried to drive a wedge between my husband and I...that's when I wrote her off for good...and even though it's only human to want closure sadly with some people you will never ever get it...
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Within reason. 
