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(I hope I have chosen the right forum for this question Mods.)
This is not happening to me, but to a friend.
They are fighting like cats and dogs. No kids, thank goodness. But I can tell if there were children involved, there would be a battle from hell, that would drag the kids through the dirt.
My wife and I are married almost 40 years now, and within the first year of our marriage, had a straight forward discussion that if we ever separated, that it would be peaceful and with no harm to the other. We agreed to always remain friends.
Sadly, I see so little of this in today's world. Children are dragged through courts, used as tools against the opposing spouse, lies are created against the other...etc. etc... it goes on and on the vindictivness and hatefulness of a marriage gone awry.
I think this must be a personality flaw. Something that was in that person from the beginning.
What do you guys think of divorce, and would you and your mate move along peacefully, or would it be all out war?
(I hope I have chosen the right forum for this question Mods.)
This is not happening to me, but to a friend.
They are fighting like cats and dogs. No kids, thank goodness. But I can tell if there were children involved, there would be a battle from hell, that would drag the kids through the dirt.
My wife and I are married almost 40 years now, and within the first year of our marriage, had a straight forward discussion that if we ever separated, that it would be peaceful and with no harm to the other. We agreed to always remain friends.
Sadly, I see so little of this in today's world. Children are dragged through courts, used as tools against the opposing spouse, lies are created against the other...etc. etc... it goes on and on the vindictivness and hatefulness of a marriage gone awry.
I think this must be a personality flaw. Something that was in that person from the beginning.
What do you guys think of divorce, and would you and your mate move along peacefully, or would it be all out war?
All I can add is money, greed and most importantly lawyers, get in the way. The person you walked down the aisle with is not the same person you walk into a courtroom with.
I think that was easy to say during the first year of marriage. After 40 years? Not so much. Even if animosity can be avoided, feelings will be hurt. Couples don't usually agree to part for simplistic reasons.
My brother and SIL are going through this now after 42 years of marriage. Even as a relative not closely involved, it's hard to wonder how it came to this point. I'd like to stay friendly to both of them, but if push comes to shove, my brother will win.
\ within the first year of our marriage, had a straight forward discussion that if we ever separated, that it would be peaceful and with no harm to the other. We agreed to always remain friends.
\?
Did you agree to that?
How, pray tell, do you force someone to abide by the rules of that agreement?
My ex (gf, not wife, but we were together 7 years) was the last person I thought would go psycho upon our breakup. She was not materialistic at all, not a bitter person, not someone who turned to negative thoughts or found fault in others...very happy-go-lucky and polite and generous and thoughtful. We didn't even really fight like real fighting. Not a drop of animosity in that one. Got along with everyone. One of those people you'd look at and wonder, "How can you be so easy-going and accommodating?" Literally the nicest person everyone has met. My friends and family were floored that we broke up.
But when I broke up with her (not her choice, and she felt totally sideswiped out of nowhere), she lost her crap for a few weeks. I mean, totally lost it. I mean, yelling and screaming and vitriol from god knows where spewing from all directions. I stayed calm and just kind of listened while she piled abuse on me. She turned into someone I'd never met and could have never imagined. I literally hid my dog the day she moved out because I wasn't sure she wouldn't steal her. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine taking steps like that.
After she moved out, we didn't speak again for 6 months...and never again since (this was almost 11 years ago). Despite saying we'd always be friends, etc.
A mutual friend told me she was too embarrassed to contact me because of the way she lost it during those few weeks. Another said it had been too devastating a loss and she was dealing with it by pretending it never happened.
Who knows what the truth is?
The point is that you never really know how someone is going to react in a large, life-changing situation. Especially a negative one.
My wife and I are married almost 40 years now, and within the first year of our marriage, had a straight forward discussion that if we ever separated, that it would be peaceful and with no harm to the other. We agreed to always remain friends.
I thought that my husband and I could amicably divorce, more or less, despite everything. I could have done it. He can't. I basically broke up with him in a civil but not legal sense last year, we have not yet made it legal because we wanted to try and do this without demolishing our credit scores and wasting money on a big fight with lawyers, just take our time and work through the situation. We've got money problems, and there was a possible solution on the horizon, or so we thought. He needs my help to survive, financially and because he refuses to grow up and learn basic adult skills (paying bills, grocery shopping.) But he hates me now, because after our split, I found love easily and he didn't (this is a no-fault state, so "adultery" doesn't matter, and he was trying to date too, just failing at it.) Also he's just a very unstable man and I now refuse to manage him...so he's off the rails from time to time. It's been pretty awful. It's been very hard on the kids. I'd give anything for him to just go away, most of the time.
If he were as calm and patient and stable as I am, and not spiteful and petty and an emotional infant, then yeah, I think that an amicable divorce might have been possible. I have remained on friendly terms with any number of my exes in the past.
The reason you don't see much of this is because when people divorce peacefully, they generally don't make a spectacle of themselves like people in an acrimonious divorce tend to. By and large, most divorces don't get to that point.
As for it being a personality flaw, you really have no grounds for that assumption because you really don't know what goes on in someone else's marriage or divorce. I would just mind my own business and not waste my time judging people if I were you.
I've seen several divorces in my time, I'm a divorced man myself. I should have seen the writing on the wall, as we'd begun fighting before we were even married! Naive as we were, my now former wife and I both thought that we could work out differences. Didn't happen. She ended our marriage 4 years later - left me while I was at a venue, went back to her home state.
I'm pretty good friends with my EX after a 35 year marriage.
We have kids and grandkids so need to get along and communicate.
We also had many good years together with many good times.
She's a good person, I'm a good person so no need to hate.
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