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As a woman who had close friendships with married men, I caution you. Most adults are perfectly capable of controlling themselves, but the emotional bond of a close friendship can sneak up on you quickly. When that happens, it's a slippery slope.
It's not a matter of "can't handle it." It's a matter of "choose not to take unnecessary risks with the most important relationship in one's life."
Every marriage is different, every relationship is different, every friendship is different. I get that. And I'll take it even further - every GOOD marriage is different, every GOOD relationship is different, every GOOD friendship is different. Just because some couples choose before it ever becomes an issue to simply keep opposite sex relationships at a specific level of interaction doesn't mean that their relationship isn't good or healthy.
For instance - in our case, my husband travels out of state a lot, for weeks at a time. Since we are apart so much, we just decided to keep opposite sex relationships at arms' length - not because we don't trust each other, but because it just cuts down on potential drama. Of COURSE if we wanted to cheat we could. If we wanted to have O/S friendships that involved lots of time with the other person, we could, especially in our situation of lots of time apart. Of course "the rule" could easily be broken - but we just don't break it. We don't need or want any unnecessary risk factors in our lives, especially when the time apart is already an additional stress factor in our marriage. We like each other. We wish we didn't spend so much time apart but it's what we need to do for our overall goals of many years of retirement together one day.
So yeah, it sort of irks me for people to casually throw out, "Maybe you can't handle it," or "You obviously don't trust each other," or "You're insecure." Nope. We are in our fifties. We are in a good marriage. We consider our spouse our best friend, our running buddy, our boon companion, our friend with benefits. We just both feel more comfortable without CLOSE friends of the opposite sex - and that's OK. It's not like we're missing out on anything. We're both very emotionally fulfilled, as well as emotionally independent and stable.
OP, if your female friend was physically unattractive, would you enjoy hanging out in public and private with her as much? This is just a question, not any sort of accusation.
And also, OP, I may have missed it so if so, I'm sorry - but can you please repeat the answer for me - if your wife was as close to a good looking male friend, spending as much time with him as you do with your female friend, would you be just as comfortable?
I think those are the types of questions people should ask themselves when they get involved in close opposite sex relationships outside of a monogamous relationship.
My friend is a good looking woman, but she carries some extra weight. This doesn't bother me, some people consider that unattractive. As much as I enjoy her friendship, she could look like Quasimodo so far as I'm concerned and we'd still hang out.
Please refer to post 66 for the answer regarding the wife and a male friend.
I'm sure everything you say applies to someone out there. For me and my H, none of it is true.
Given the perfect storm of circumstances and opportunity anyone can cheat no matter how much they believe beforehand that they never will.
That is precisely why you can't handle it. You're right, anyone can cheat. It's the rare few who can manage not to it seems.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
It's not a matter of "can't handle it." It's a matter of "choose not to take unnecessary risks with the most important relationship in one's life."
What you term a "risk" is something as simple to me as plugging in my toaster and making myself a couple slices of toast. Sure, I could possibly electrocute myself plugging it into the outlet. (Never happened.) Or I could choke to death on my toast. (Never happened either.) I guess those are just risks I'm willing to take.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
For instance - in our case, my husband travels out of state a lot, for weeks at a time. Since we are apart so much, we just decided to keep opposite sex relationships at arms' length - not because we don't trust each other, but because it just cuts down on potential drama. Of COURSE if we wanted to cheat we could. If we wanted to have O/S friendships that involved lots of time with the other person, we could, especially in our situation of lots of time apart. Of course "the rule" could easily be broken - but we just don't break it. We don't need or want any unnecessary risk factors in our lives, especially when the time apart is already an additional stress factor in our marriage.
Actually this is pretty much the definition for not trusting each other. A risk is defined as a situation involving exposure to danger. You would have no risk if you weren't in danger of cheating or being tempted. Your solution was to remove the danger, and thus the risk. But don't kid yourself into thinking it isn't because you don't have issues with trust. If you didn't, then you and your hubby could spend time with whoever you wanted without the other having to worry.
As a woman who had close friendships with married men, I caution you. Most adults are perfectly capable of controlling themselves, but the emotional bond of a close friendship can sneak up on you quickly. When that happens, it's a slippery slope.
We have been friends for 3 years and I consider this a close friendship as does she. So far, this hasn't been a problem and from where I stand, it won't be. If that 'urge' hasn't come up by now, I don't think it will. Maybe this is because we're older and the sex drive isn't in charge of 'everything' anymore. Not to say it isn't there for the wife, it just no longer runs my life. That's my theory, anyway.
The last thing I want to do is start over after having invested 33 yrs in this marriage. Further, my wife deserves better than getting kicked to the curb because 'it just happened'.
We have been friends for 3 years and I consider this a close friendship as does she. So far, this hasn't been a problem and from where I stand, it won't be. If that 'urge' hasn't come up by now, I don't think it will. Maybe this is because we're older and the sex drive isn't in charge of 'everything' anymore. Not to say it isn't there for the wife, it just no longer runs my life. That's my theory, anyway.
The last thing I want to do is start over after having invested 33 yrs in this marriage. Further, my wife deserves better than getting kicked to the curb because 'it just happened'.
Great that it works for you!
I have to say that I would not be so cool with my husband developing a close friendship with a single woman he met three years ago. I'm glad it works in your situation, but I wouldn't be happy to see my husband form such an attachment 30 years into our marriage.
Outside of that, we may cross paths on league night and yuck it up for a while. We both have office jobs so emails are traded a few times a week, sending cartoons or jokes, or making plans (this weekend the 3 of us are going to a Buddy Guy concert in Chicago, and yes, all three in the same room, 2 double beds, nothing to see there, folks - LOL).
To me, that doesn't really qualify as all that much time.
That will certainly set your friends' tongues wagging when/if they find out.
Curious which one of you came up with the idea to share a room?
That will certainly set your friends' tongues wagging when/if they find out.
Curious which one of you came up with the idea to share a room?
We've traveled together before. First time was a suite with two bedrooms. Next time a suite with just a half wall between beds, which was a surprise to us. Last time in Chicago it was an hour back to the room after the show. One the way home wife and friend said next time let's get a room within walking distance.
So now I'm planning this trip. Suites in The Loop are expensive so I asked both (wife 1st) how they wanted it handled: suite, 2 rooms or share one. Both wanted to save the money.
Actually this is pretty much the definition for not trusting each other. A risk is defined as a situation involving exposure to danger. You would have no risk if you weren't in danger of cheating or being tempted. Your solution was to remove the danger, and thus the risk. But don't kid yourself into thinking it isn't because you don't have issues with trust. If you didn't, then you and your hubby could spend time with whoever you wanted without the other having to worry.
Wow, you really DON'T get it.
We don't WANT to introduce deep or time consuming opposite - sex friendships into our lives (and subsequently our own relationship). We have no need for that, and no desire for even the slightly possible drama potentially associated with it.
Having been previously married to unfaithful spouses, we know very well the deep hurt associated with even a hint of impropriety. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.
These sorts of situations are very, very easy to avoid. I mean, super easy. As in - a complete no brainer. In the ten plus years we've been together the issue has simply never, ever come up. Nor has even a hint of suspicion regarding any friendships. It's not that we don't have opposite sex friendships - it's that we are in agreement on the boundaries of those friendships and very comfortable with them, and with each other.
I already gave an example of a close friend I have who is a man. I already discussed how we deal with that relationship. I haven't had to give anything up in order to keep that friendship. I haven't had to sacrifice anything or explain anything to my husband. I just will not go hang out with him without my husband or have extended conversations or texts with him - and my life is not bereft or lacking anything. It's no big deal.
Actually this is pretty much the definition for not trusting each other. A risk is defined as a situation involving exposure to danger. You would have no risk if you weren't in danger of cheating or being tempted. Your solution was to remove the danger, and thus the risk. But don't kid yourself into thinking it isn't because you don't have issues with trust. If you didn't, then you and your hubby could spend time with whoever you wanted without the other having to worry.
I respectfully disagree with you. I actually agree with
Kathryn on this one.
I don't think I have much to add to Kathryn's post, but I will say this. There are many different types of risks. For example, risk of being the subject of gossip. My fiance and I love each other very much and we don't need extra dramas in our life. We don't need others to ask "Is this guy (other than my fiance) or this gal (other than myself) dating you?" lol Everybody knows we were dating, we are engaged. When I was single, everyone knew I was single, Nobody assumed any one particular guy friends of mine was dating me because I didn't spend alone time with any of them for more than 30 minutes. Not because I didn't like them, I just didn't have the desire to be with any of them, even when I was single. When I am away from my guy friends, I don't spend any time thinking about them. I still say this, there is a reason why people assume two people are dating each other.
All these being said, I am not suggesting that what we are doing is RIGHT, I am only saying this is what works for us. We don't need dramas in our life. That is all.
Like Kathryn suggested earlier, each relationship is different, each GOOD relationship is different, you have to do what is right for you. Oh, I was born in the year of 1985 if this helps.
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 01-28-2016 at 06:26 PM..
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if this helps.
