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Old 02-07-2008, 12:07 PM
2 posts, read 7,114 times
Reputation: 17


I've wanted to relocate away from the gloomy Pacific Northwest for quite some time now because the lack of sunshine here contributes to my depression. I also think my quality of life here is lower than it should be because of high housing costs and the amount of time we have to spend commuting. Also, I'm tired of not being able to play outdoors for 7 months (Oct-April) of the year because it's dark and raining!

I always thought I should wait to move until I have children so my parents who live here could enjoy them. I'm starting to doubt if this is a wise approach. First of all, my parents are alcoholics and I'm not sure I could trust them with my kids, especially driving them around (they drive drunk a lot of the time). Secondly, I have a rocky relationship with my parents as they were abusive and neglectful toward me growing up. We have adult relationships now so for the most part, the past is the past. I've gone through a ton of counseling to learn how to deal with them and heal my emotional scars, but they still upset me from time to time when they cross my boundaries and interfere with my relationship with my husband. I know they love me; they just don't do a very good job of loving me.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We are now approaching our mid-30s and feel time is running out to start a family. I don't want to wait much longer because I'm afraid of the fertility issue (I'll be 35 in October). I'm just not sure if we should start our family here, in an environment I'm not happy in, just for the benefit of having family close by. I know my parents will help us out financially when the baby comes, but I don't want to stick around just to take advantage of them. I also don't want to feel guilty for depriving them of the chance to be good grandparents. I should probably stop thinking that this chance is something they deserve....

Anyway, should I get pregnant now and then move away in the middle of the pregnancy? Get pregnant now, wait until the baby arrives and then move away? Get pregnant now, and wait a few years before moving away? Wait to get pregnant (tough option as I don't want to find out we have fertility problems after age 35) and move away now?

I'm posting this anonymously due to the confidential nature of my problem. Please understand this has been the most difficult decision I've had to make in a long time. After a year of debating the issue with myself and my husband, I'm to the point now that I have to ask for other's opinions, so please respond thoughtfully. No callous or flippant responses, please.
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Old 02-07-2008, 12:18 PM
64 posts, read 232,454 times
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I moved away at age 25 and it was a great experience. However, I was ready to move back closer to home at 34 (well, sooner, but was 34 by the time it happened).

While I can't speak to your family concerns, as an outside third party it seems like you and your husband (and future children) will only benefit from moving away. Many children live far from their grandparents and there are no negatives to that. Given the irresponsible behavior of your family, it sounds more negative to have children grow up around them.

You can still keep in touch and they can see the kids, but this way they won't be bogged down by the negative influences you are concerned about.
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Old 02-07-2008, 12:19 PM
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,977 posts, read 29,574,664 times
Reputation: 10491
Originally Posted by Anon in Seattle View Post
Anyway, should I get pregnant now and then move away in the middle of the pregnancy? Get pregnant now, wait until the baby arrives and then move away? Get pregnant now, and wait a few years before moving away? Wait to get pregnant (tough option as I don't want to find out we have fertility problems after age 35) and move away now?
I vote for waiting to get pregnant. You want to find the best place for you to live and raise a family first. You dont want to get pregnant first then scramble to try to find a place to live. Your doctor would be able to tell you now if you will have fertility problems. You should not be considering your parents at all in this decision as it is a decision only you and you husband should make. You are only 34 years old, you have time. Just figure out where you want to live then start the process of relocating. You need to do this before having a baby.
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Old 02-07-2008, 12:20 PM
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,977 posts, read 29,574,664 times
Reputation: 10491
You should make your decision based on your intellect (brain) and not on your emotions (the thought of having a baby).
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Old 02-07-2008, 12:20 PM
21,676 posts, read 27,736,849 times
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Are your parents the type that pull on the guilt strings? Is that possibly why this is such a difficult decision for you?

Get out while you can.
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Old 02-07-2008, 01:09 PM
43 posts, read 149,787 times
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I agree with the previous posters. Move away now before having a baby. Once you have kids moving away will only be much harder. Plus if they give guilt trips just wait until you give them a grandchild and take them away to another state! Also, if they are alchoholics and tend to cause alot of drama you don't want to be around that when you are pregnant. You have no idea what hormones do to you during that sensitive time and you need to be as stress free as possible.
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Old 02-07-2008, 01:24 PM
Location: Portland Oregon area
145 posts, read 789,878 times
Reputation: 109
Speaking as some one who has moved while pregnant, and am now preparing to move with 2 little ones in tow, I say wait to get pregnant til after you move, it's so much easier.
As far as your parents, the way you discribe them, their disfunctional (sp?).... so I guess you need to ask yourself if the benifits of having them around is worth exposing your child to their behaviour, and only you and your husband can answer that question.

Let me add this one little peice of advice, once you make up your mind, keep it made and don't stress yourself out by constantly re-making it. Stick with your decision.
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Old 02-07-2008, 03:33 PM
582 posts, read 1,825,000 times
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i made a mistake years ago of moving closer to my mother with my family and i can tell you it was the worst move i've ever made.my mother is very manipulative and it's constant drama when we get together and i feel stressed out.so now my wife and i are planning on moving away to florida in the next year just to get away and keep contact very minimal.my wife got away from her parents which she has only seen 3 times in the last 9 yrs and i feel guilty of moving here closer to my family and end up with all this drama that she does not deserve.life is to short i'd rather she be closer to her family as they are a much healthier family than mine and she can be a lot happier and myself as well.what i'm trying to say is if it's a bad situation with your parents and you're thinking of starting a family, move away and then start a family it will cause you a lot less grief and you will be happier in the long run.you are to busy thinking about what your parents are going to think if you move.in the end,are they worried about how you feel when they manipulate you?
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Old 02-07-2008, 04:06 PM
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Move as soon as you can, because that will be an uplifting positive thing for you all. Everything else flows from there.
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Old 02-07-2008, 07:59 PM
Location: Central Connecticut
683 posts, read 1,962,067 times
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I totally disagree about the need and the necessity to move away before you choose to start your family.
This moving issue really and truely needs to be absolutely separated from the issue of your parents. They don't have any direct role or impact in this decision at all. It's strictly a mental one for you and your husband to make entirely on your own, totally independent of the level of future involvement or non-involvement of either set of prospective grandparents.
This premise really needs to be accepted for you to clearly understand that your choice isn't motivated by their geographical proximity or the terms of your personal relationship and feelings about them.
My next most relevant heartfelt question is what are the fundamental reasons for not wanting to start a family right away? Your biological clock is ticking and moving away will probably do more to burden your financial situation rather than to help it. It's going to cost money and take time which could really interfere with your ability to start a family for several years to come. So then what's the purpose and what's to gain by possibly harmfully delaying having a child sooner rather than later?
Sure you don't like the pacific northwest weather, but because a child doesn't start school for so many years, moving afterward wouldn't really be too much more difficult.
Also, how far away is it that you want to move, across the country or a state or two away? The farther away that you move, the more liklihood that you will spend more money to move, that it will take you longer to find & to settle down in an optimal location, and realistically you may be even more lonely and unhappy with a child there which could further interfere with your stated purpose to wanting to move to simply start being happier & then to have a baby.
Some families are very unhappy after a move because it's such a struggle to become comfortable, find a job & friends and acceptable living arrangements. These factors could stress your marital relationship especially if you don't have the solid foundation & additional committment that a child will bring.
So in short, you need to decide if a child will solidify your marriage, destabilize it somewhat, or leave it the same.
If it leaves it the same, then moving now or later doesn't matter.
If it destabilizes it, then moving now will hurt your chances for happiness later after you move due to additional stresses a child will bring once you're in an unfamiliar place.
If a child stabilizes it, then have one sooner and move later when the stress level will be easier to bear than you and most everyone else here thinks.
Which is your priority? To save yourself, save your marriage or to save the future generation that your child represents?
If having a child is really your priority, then you should have one sooner now that you are healthier and younger and better financially able to.
If you are more interested in saving yourself, it comes at the expense of your committment to have a child younger and when it's less of a health risk.
If you want to save your marriage, then having a child sooner will help to do that too since both you and your husband will have an even larger stake in each other's future generation that your offspring represents.
So please understand, I'm just as biased as all of the other posters, with the only difference being that I would hate to see you wait too long to have your first child.
My wife and I are the same age and we had 3 children while we were at the age of 30, 33 and 37. Having children puts a lot of physical & emotional stress on a women, even more as one ages too.
So that's basically why I would recommend that moving is secondary to a couple deciding to have a child, especially if there are physical and biological implications for both the child and the mother.
What if you had a child and then you became sick or found that you needed extra time to recover from child birth? Who would help you if you lived far away from friends or family that could help and lend their support?
Moving really isn't the answer to the question of when should a person your age and after 8 years of marriage decide to have their first child? Moving could be a great impediment, and I would be more concerned about things not working out right or as planned once you've moved.
A person can choose to move at anytime, but a person cannot delay having a child indefinitely. The time period allowing for a move is flexible, while the time period allowing for more comfortably & optimally having a first child is not.
If you were going to move and really settle down and be happy before having a child, then you probably should have moved a few years ago. That's not such a major issue unless you start to let the moving issue interefere with your child rearing plans going forward from here in my humble opinion.
Someone needs to question the wisdom and to be skeptical about the reasons for moving, so let that be me.
I sincerely wish you and your husband the best of luck making the final decision about the best way to proceed.

Last edited by sun; 02-07-2008 at 09:01 PM..
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