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Old 02-11-2016, 04:28 PM
 
Location: PA
2,005 posts, read 1,625,703 times
Reputation: 5029

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One of the things that has been frustrating me lately is people coming into (or back into) my life and wanting to make plans and hang out (usually when things are not going well in their lives) and then seemingly disappearing off the face of the earth. I try to be there for people and listen when they are going through tough times, but otherwise, I hear nothing.

I met someone at a support group that I attend, and we made plans to hang out because we have similar tastes in comedy. Well, she doesn't like her living situation and she asked me if she could stay with me while she looked for another place. I don't know anything about this woman other than what she says in group and what we talked about when we went out to eat one time. I've also been burned before by letting someone stay with me. I told her no. Haven't heard from her since.

I have another friend that just got back in touch with me not too long ago. He and his wife were separated, and he was staying at a relative's house. He has been diagnosed as bipolar, as have I, and we were talking about going to group together as well as doing stuff like bowling and whatnot. One minute he is saying things like, "Anytime you need to talk, anytime you need anything, I am here", and then all of a sudden he is getting back together with his wife and I haven't heard from him either. I know that I shouldn't take it personally, even though it's hard not to, because by his own admission he said he has a tendency to lose touch with his friends when he is in a relationship.

I'm not talking about people that are having a tough time finding the time to get together because of scheduling. I get that. I just wonder why it seems that some people are gung-ho when they want something, only to vanish when they don't. I am getting tired of it. I want friendships that aren't horribly one-sided. It's to the point where I've needed to detach and not be so available to people that want to bend my ear about their problems or that want my help some other way.

Not sure what to expect from this. I guess I am just venting. It would be nice just to hear "How are you?" or go out for lunch or a cup of coffee without someone trying to put their problems in my lap. I have enough challenges of my own to deal with.
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Old 02-12-2016, 12:02 AM
 
Location: Buffalo, NY
576 posts, read 308,795 times
Reputation: 815
I hear you. In my own case, I feel like my two options are 1.) be alone or 2.) do my best impression of 'who I used to be' around old friends who haven't changed as much as I have over the past several years. Neither is an appealing option. I don't know what part of PA you're in, but here in Buffalo the demographics don't do any favors--I'm 29, and last I heard (from a local media figure who calls himself an 'investigative journalist'), WNY was 57th out 58 North American metros (he did not specify how he gathered this sample of 58, so this stat must admittedly be taken with a grain of salt) in terms of percentage of the population falling into the age 25-34 demographic. And of the people who do remain, many of them are the ones who weren't intelligent enough to leave for perceived greener pastures. (Buffalo brain drain has been occurring for decades). I assume PA has some similar dynamics (although my (limited) experiences in Pittsburgh have led me to believe that people are generally more agreeable there than they are in Buffalo--once again, not sure where you're from)
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Old 02-12-2016, 06:07 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,501 posts, read 35,246,355 times
Reputation: 68378
To be honest, it sounds like you are trying to hang out with people who have serious problems and don't have a good handle on how to do life.

It should not be a surprise that they aren't very good at being there for others, putting other people's needs before their own, and considering the effects of their actions on other people.

I would expand your activities beyond support groups.
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Old 02-12-2016, 07:16 AM
 
221 posts, read 142,331 times
Reputation: 624
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
To be honest, it sounds like you are trying to hang out with people who have serious problems and don't have a good handle on how to do life.

It should not be a surprise that they aren't very good at being there for others, putting other people's needs before their own, and considering the effects of their actions on other people.

I would expand your activities beyond support groups.

^^^This. The problem seems to be the OP's choices in who to befriend.
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Old 02-12-2016, 07:22 AM
 
221 posts, read 142,331 times
Reputation: 624
Quote:
Originally Posted by swgirl926 View Post
I have another friend that just got back in touch with me not too long ago. He and his wife were separated, and he was staying at a relative's house. He has been diagnosed as bipolar, as have I, and we were talking about going to group together as well as doing stuff like bowling and whatnot. One minute he is saying things like, "Anytime you need to talk, anytime you need anything, I am here", and then all of a sudden he is getting back together with his wife and I haven't heard from him either. I know that I shouldn't take it personally, even though it's hard not to, because by his own admission he said he has a tendency to lose touch with his friends when he is in a relationship.
He's not just "in a relationship." He's in a MARRIAGE. And kudos to them for trying to make it work. He's absolutely right to focus on that. It's kind of selfish of you to fault him for focusing on his marriage over going bowling with you.
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Old 02-12-2016, 08:15 AM
 
2,360 posts, read 2,035,989 times
Reputation: 3135
You are depending on people with issues that are similar to yours so even they are struggling to make friends & get over their challenges. Friendship is not the top priority for them at this point & it shouldn't be for you either. Keep it on the back burner for a while & focus only on yourself. When you have a set daily routine, you will be less likely to feel alone. If you work or go to school, plan some after work activities like joining a group exercise class, a second job, learn a new skill to improve your career or take up a creative hobby. That way your evenings will be occupied. Don't just rely on people to keep you company. You need to go out on your own & learn to have fun. On weekends you can participate in local events, volunteer, go to movies, travel, read, catch up with family & maybe accommodate a friend or 2 for a group outing.


Talk to a therapist about it & they can help you make a routine for yourself. When you know how to live by yourself, you stop relying on people for emotional support. People can sense loneliness & neediness so they might try to take advantage of you. In exchange for their company they want you to accommodate them in your home. That's not true friendship, its manipulation & subtle blackmailing. When your life is filled with work, hobbies & you don't have time for others, you can pick whom you want to accommodate in your life. And if you find out after a while that they are not good enough, you can kick them out & fall back into your routine. Holidays are tough & you can feel lonely but have some travel plans, visit family around country to keep yourself occupied.
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Old 02-12-2016, 10:06 AM
 
1,153 posts, read 676,035 times
Reputation: 2463
There are a great deal of users out there OP.
Not to sound like an old fuddy-duddy, but I fine it more prevalent among the younger crowd vs my mid age crowd. Just plain old self absorption really, not necessarily 'users' but I feel used for sure.


I value friendship so I am a good friend to ppl. If you can identify that in others and not waste your time on those not of the mindset you would have better luck.


I have some fantastic friends of all ages, genders, races, lifestyle, etc so I do know those ppl exist. They might not always seem - on the surface - like "friend" material to you since common denominators might not be apparent. If you go for quality and character though vs ppl who are "just like you" your pool will improve.


A quick fix - if you have a good friend, as in quality friend, hang out with them a lot. I meet many great ppl through great ppl I already know.


As far as the one pushing to stay with you, you did the right thing, declining and enforcing your boundary. This was a good way to weed out a "user".
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Old 02-12-2016, 10:12 AM
 
Location: PA
2,005 posts, read 1,625,703 times
Reputation: 5029
Quote:
Originally Posted by boogityboogity View Post
He's not just "in a relationship." He's in a MARRIAGE. And kudos to them for trying to make it work. He's absolutely right to focus on that. It's kind of selfish of you to fault him for focusing on his marriage over going bowling with you.
Hold up. When did I ever say that going bowling was more important than his marriage? All I am asking is for the people in my life to accept me for me and not what I can do for them. It's not as though I don't have things going on in my life, but I can manage to find the time to say "Hey, how are you?. I'm certainly not asking for the moon.
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Old 02-12-2016, 10:37 AM
 
4,825 posts, read 4,666,256 times
Reputation: 6154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
To be honest, it sounds like you are trying to hang out with people who have serious problems and don't have a good handle on how to do life.

It should not be a surprise that they aren't very good at being there for others, putting other people's needs before their own, and considering the effects of their actions on other people.

I would expand your activities beyond support groups.
Like attracts like especially later in life. Socio economic segregation is extreme, no positive attitude and "activities" can change that. Higher "ranking" people having handle on life will not befriend TS, no matter what she does. TS needs to face this sad truth of life, and pick only the most decent people, if any, in her peer group, or make peace with friendless existence. You cannot expect much of others, especially these weird times when the word "friend" lost much of its original meaning anyway.

Last edited by RememberMee; 02-12-2016 at 10:56 AM..
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Old 02-12-2016, 11:24 AM
 
221 posts, read 142,331 times
Reputation: 624
Quote:
Originally Posted by swgirl926 View Post
Hold up. When did I ever say that going bowling was more important than his marriage? All I am asking is for the people in my life to accept me for me and not what I can do for them. It's not as though I don't have things going on in my life, but I can manage to find the time to say "Hey, how are you?. I'm certainly not asking for the moon.
You are not a priority to him. His marriage apparently is, as it should be. It has nothing to do with what you can or can't do for him. It's not all about you.
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