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Old 02-22-2016, 09:16 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,102,689 times
Reputation: 32726

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Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
I don't 'hear' her saying that tho. he seems to think he is too clean and weird about all those things.

I agree that men who are controlling don't offer to send to college or China and give money and all that.

I feel like he's just treating her like a delicate flower.

My Dad is this way with me - he would say 'stay back' from something dangerous but he doesn't usually argue if I ignore him.

(My father sometimes helps me fix things in my home, and I hang out with him fixing things while visiting at his house)

But no man ever in my life ever said 'go watch tv while I clean up your mess'.

That is a level of Princess I have not experienced and I've been a Princess!

The bf that wouldn't let me carry things also thought it was an absolute SIN for me to have to prepare dinner by myself.

Absolutely crazy-town to him.

If he wanted to eat with his friends he wouldn't leave until he helped me fix dinner or go to get one from somewhere.

I didn't feel controlled. I felt pampered.

It's the way he grew up - his mother had many many kids and so Dad would come home and proceed to help with or take over all chores so that she could get a break.

He would never eat without her, and in their culture eating alone is horrifying.

So, ok. To me it didn't matter and I felt like he should just go but if it was going to make him feel like crap it would be rude to argue over it all the time.

In his culture a woman never has to work a day in her life is she doesn't want to, even with no kids.

So maybe this man just thinks that a woman is supposed to be a Queen.

He doesn't argue about her going to work, having her own money, etc.

He feels she has a better head for the checkbook.

He seems to have a mix, actually, of having her be a Queen AND he wants things cleaned his way with his hands.

It would make me crazy to try to teach someone to do laundry my way. It's much easier to always do myself.

I want to look each item over for stains and decide on a case-by-case basis how to deal with them.

I want different temps for different things, different cycles, and to decide whether something does or doesn't go in the dryer.

When I had a housekeeper I only let her wash sheets and towels. Because those have the same instructions every time.

My Uncle got my Aunt a housekeeper and she hated it. She wants to do it herself her way.
Like I said, it's hard to say.

The laundry thing... I think he's doing her laundry, too, not just his own.

I've had BF's who are gentlemen in that they hold doors open and stuff like, but some of the stuff the OP mentions are overboard IMO. After her first post months ago where she said he was trying to get her to change jobs, I said I thought he was just looking out for her. All of it together, though makes me think it is more. Help me carry the groceries, grab a broom when I break a glass, but don't treat me like I'm unable to take care of myself.

 
Old 02-22-2016, 09:35 PM
 
21,108 posts, read 13,492,959 times
Reputation: 19722
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Like I said, it's hard to say.

The laundry thing... I think he's doing her laundry, too, not just his own.

I've had BF's who are gentlemen in that they hold doors open and stuff like, but some of the stuff the OP mentions are overboard IMO. After her first post months ago where she said he was trying to get her to change jobs, I said I thought he was just looking out for her. All of it together, though makes me think it is more. Help me carry the groceries, grab a broom when I break a glass, but don't treat me like I'm unable to take care of myself.
I think it's over the top too. I'd do the laundry when he isn't home - BUT if it's a case where he likes it done himself, that won't help.

I'm not sure doing her own would help - he still would probably have to do the same number of loads.

One person doesn't create a lot of laundry but things have to be separated by color and all that.

I would not have found it helpful for my bf to do his own laundry - wasteful.

Waste of time and water and wear and tear on the machines.

She folds and hangs up and puts away - so, they are actually splitting the chore and to me she has the hard part.

Washing and drying is the easy part - I hate to fold and hang and put away - HATE it. I used to dump clean laundry ON my bf and MAKE him fold!
 
Old 02-23-2016, 04:44 AM
 
Location: Canada
6,615 posts, read 6,515,747 times
Reputation: 18433
I am sitting here thinking that your husband has got to be one of the world's most wonderful husbands. Help him out when you can ishe. He's a keeper and you are a VERY lucky woman.

If every wife had such a man for a husband, this world would be such a happier place.
 
Old 02-23-2016, 06:34 AM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,851,003 times
Reputation: 24135
I would really hate to be treated like I was too delicate to do things on my own. I'd find that offensive. I'd eventually feel like I really couldn't do those things if it went on long enough. Knowing me, I would rebel by doing actually dangerous stuff to prove I can do things on my own.

I know my grandfather did a lot of things for my grandmother that she could have likely done on her own. Like go to the attic to get the christ decorations, change a light bulb, take out the trash. They had men's work and women's work. Never saw him wash a dish or cook a meal. They had the 1950s marriage thing going. But...I don't know, not letting me clean glass up from when I dropped it, or a mess I made or bring in the groceries. Its too far, even for the 50s. But what does the OP do when she shops without her husband?
 
Old 02-23-2016, 07:02 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,060,649 times
Reputation: 51113
Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
I am sitting here thinking that your husband has got to be one of the world's most wonderful husbands. Help him out when you can ishe. He's a keeper and you are a VERY lucky woman.

If every wife had such a man for a husband, this world would be such a happier place.

Like many things it can be a matter of why something is done.


Only the OP and her husband can determine if he does all of those things because he is a loving husband who wants to do as much as he can for his wife to make her life easier and treat her like a princess or if he does those things because he views her as an incompetent child who is stupid and incapable of learning how to do those tasks safely and correctly. The why he does all of those things makes a big difference.


And, the same is true from the point of view of the OP. Perhaps she is a wonderful, confidant mature woman who just enjoyed the feeling of being pampered by her loving husband. Or she could be a lazy, selfish person who does not care that her husband appears to be working himself to an early grave, by working two jobs plus doing all of the housework and cleaning and laundry and lifting etc., etc. (doing everything except for cooking the evening meal). Also, why she allows her husband to do all of those things makes a big difference
 
Old 02-23-2016, 07:09 AM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,851,003 times
Reputation: 24135
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Like many things it can be a matter of why something is done.


Only the OP and her husband can determine if he does all of those things because he is a loving husband who wants to do as much as he can for his wife to make her life easier and treat her like a princess or if he does those things because he views her as an incompetent child who is stupid and incapable of learning how to do those tasks safely and correctly. The why he does all of those things makes a big difference.


And, the same is true from the point of view of the OP. Perhaps she is a wonderful, confidant mature woman who just enjoyed the feeling of being pampered by her loving husband. Or she could be a lazy, selfish person who does not care that her husband appears to be working himself to an early grave, by working two jobs plus doing all of the housework and cleaning and laundry and lifting etc., etc. (doing everything except for cooking the evening meal). Also, why she allows her husband to do all of those things makes a big difference
I don't get the impression she has much say in what or why he does things. So neither really apply.

This board really misses a lot of middle ground...which is where most people live.
 
Old 02-23-2016, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
18,762 posts, read 11,757,490 times
Reputation: 64149
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Your husband is treating you like a child, because you are acting like one. Why can't you clean up while he's working his two jobs? Why do you throw your things around the house and leave them there?

Your husband sounds OCD, and maybe cleaning is his way of relaxing, but I don't understand why you don't want to be an equal partner in your marriage.

I can totally relate to this, only it was the opposite situation for John and I. I'm the OCD neat freak and he's the one that would leave all the lights on, clothes strewn about, and would wait for the maid (me) to clean up after him.

It didn't bother me as much when I was young because I liked things the way I like them and was willing to put in the time to make it so. That mentality soon took it's toll and undoing the damage I had done by encouraging his lazy behavior took a lot of work on both of our parts.

I think your husband will soon get tired of being the workaholic and will need help with chores around the house. Don't ask his permission to do the laundry, just do it. Don't train yourself to be helpless. John took over all of the house work and cooking when he retired over two years ago.

Yes it was a disaster for awhile and I felt like I was living in a locker room It took time and I was patient with him....most of the time. Now that I'm retired we do things as a team. We're both much happier this way.

Maybe you could start by learning to close the refrigerator door and making sure the water is off.
 
Old 02-23-2016, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Concord NC
1,859 posts, read 1,642,026 times
Reputation: 5175
Could you please repeat that?
 
Old 02-23-2016, 11:40 AM
 
Location: Huntsville
6,009 posts, read 6,633,829 times
Reputation: 7041
We are all creatures of habit. And a lot of those habits are formed unintentionally and subliminally.


My wife and I have been married for 13 years and are in our mid 30's.


I grew up in a household with a single dad and no mother figure around so I had to take on a lot more chores than some people. My wife had both parents and she didn't really have to do much because her mother took care of everything. So our habits were already forming.


When we got married, I was the only cleaning the house, doing dishes, laundry, etc... She was in college and working full time and I was only working full time, so I tried to take whatever I could off of her to give her a break.


That eventually turned into me doing most of the household chores, including keeping up the maintenance on her vehicle (plus cleaning out the garbage she leaves in one constantly). Eventually I began to get slightly annoyed with the habits and started to push back on her to help more. I love her the same, but want her to understand that we are partners in the marriage and it needs to be 50/50.


For a while she pushed back saying that dirty dishes piled in the sink, dirty clothes everywhere, and an overall nasty house weren't that important to her. Then I realized that I helped create her habits and the blame lay as much on me as her. Eventually I stopped doing some of the things right away and she eventually got tired of seeing something sitting and began to do some of it herself. Once she did that for a little while I mentioned that I needed to help her more. I slowly began picking up some of the chores again.


Now, she helps a lot more than she did in the past. She cooks, I wash the dishes. I put clothes in the laundry, she takes them out. I wash her car, and she helps clean the inside out. I clean the bathrooms, living room, and she cleans the kitchen and bedroom. We kind of worked out a compromise that works for us both. I'm quick to jump to something she needs because I know that she now understands that I need her as well.


Eventually, your husband is going to tire of doing everything. While you may think he does it just because, more than likely deep down he wants you to do it too but doesn't want to bring it up. Don't wait for him to come home to attempt to clean something knowing that he will do it for you. Surprise him. Let him come home to a clean house, a refrigerator with both doors closed, a clean floor, etc.... The first time you mention that light bulb being out, he will be on a ladder changing it out that instant.

I find that sometimes even now she will come home from work the first few days of the week and do nothing but sit on the couch. I will go ahead and do the chores that need to be done. I can tell it eats at her though, and eventually she tells me to sit down while she does some of the chores. She has come to the realization that it really does take us both and we couldn't be happier.

The more you do for yourself, the more he will want to do for you.




Your pasts don't matter in this situation. Lyndon B. Johnson once said "Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose."


You get to choose the person you are going to be.
 
Old 02-23-2016, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Posting from my space yacht.
8,452 posts, read 4,734,293 times
Reputation: 15354
Wow this thread reads like one of those old "Dear Penthouse" letters, except for women.
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