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You would be wise to step back and be sure your husband is doing what HE wants to do. This is a stressful and tricky time - if you push too hard and he feels you've somehow prevented him from "making his peace" (HOWEVER he defines that) he'll have regrets forever that could reflect badly on you.
You sound extremely opinionated and strident - you can be unemotional with regarding your past relationship with YOUR parents all you want to, but he has to live with how he's handled this and once his father is dead there are no second chances. Support him, but GIVE HIM ROOM.
Just to be clear, I am not pushing him in either direction. I have been the one to suggest skyping and even traveling there. He knows how I feel even if I remain silent. He's conflicted... We aren't dealing with the run-of-mill parent ish... This is definitely more extreme and far more serious. But yes I am backing off and letting him make the decisions. I just choose to stay firm with the boundaries we set up and he completely agreed with that. There's no question there.
So again, I am not pushing my agenda bc I don't have one other than to protect him and our marriage.
Just to be clear, I am not pushing him in either direction. I have been the one to suggest skyping and even traveling there. He knows how I feel even if I remain silent. He's conflicted... We aren't dealing with the run-of-mill parent ish... This is definitely more extreme and far more serious. But yes I am backing off and letting him make the decisions. I just choose to stay firm with the boundaries we set up and he completely agreed with that. There's no question there.
So again, I am not pushing my agenda bc I don't have one other than to protect him and our marriage.
OP, be sure to post when you figure out if your FIL is really seriously ill or if it is a just a trick or a ploy by your in-laws to make their son feel guilty.
OP, be sure to post when you figure out if your FIL is really seriously ill or if it is a just a trick or a ploy by your in-laws to make their son feel guilty.
I will. My husband doesn't want to call them bc I think he's afraid it really is a ploy. He says repeatedly that his mom is crazy and a cold-hearted woman and that he's never been able to trust her. I told him if it will help ease his mind, he should call and talk to his dad and not talk to his mom. We shall see... More to come.
2. Canonisation - if your husband wants to Heal His Past, Forget the Trauma, and believe his father is a Good Man - well that's hardly Canonisation, more like a Healthy Acceptance and Maturity.
I think the one with the Problem in this subject is YOU, OP. You're going to nag yourself out of this marriage if you don't zip it.
Death of a parent is DEEPLY traumatizing. You moaning on he Was No Saint at every turn, seriously, how is that Helping??
Only you are feeling good about saying things like that. Everyone else wants you to just keep your opinions to yourself.
Are you REALLY that unempathetic and frankly, ill mannered, that you have to speak so ill of someone who is not yet even deceased? Barrel of monkeys you'll be at the Funeral no doubt. Ghost of Christmas Past in the corner clanking sour chains of He Wasn't All That.
Your husband may well decide YOU aren't All That, either.
Somewhere , someway, somehow someone thinks YOU are not all that BJM and you seem to enjoy inflicting suffering on already suffering people asking for opinions .
Her husband isn't going anywhere - from TXH that is .
My Parents were real riots . VERY complicated people . What it does is make grief ( if there turns out to be any) VERY hard for the ones left behind . Because it is so freaking final that it hits you VERY hard that there is no more time left for THEM to change , for THEM to apologize , for the a-hole to admit they were wrong and try to restart a better relationship. You wished these people weren't total a$$es for most of your life then they die .
First lets see how sick this dude is ... I recall the Thanksgiving holocaust .
My Parents were real riots . VERY complicated people . What it does is make grief ( if there turns out to be any) VERY hard for the ones left behind . Because it is so freaking final that it hits you VERY hard that there is no more time left for THEM to change , for THEM to apologize , for the a-hole to admit they were wrong and try to restart a better relationship. You wished these people weren't total a$$es for most of your life then they die .
First lets see how sick this dude is ... I recall the Thanksgiving holocaust .
I never thought of it like that Dutchess. That makes a lot more sense now. When my sister-in-law came to our house and finally told us what happened to her growing up, my husband started remembering a lot of behaviors he had as a kid that were "normal" to him like locking his bedroom door when he went to bed or staying over at friends houses a lot or cooking his own meals at 8. He'd never mentioned any of that to me. All he'd ever said was his parents were annoying pains in the rear. But at the same time, he would say his dad taught him how to build things and play golf. I started to see then that there had been fear in that house and abuse even if my husband was not yet willing to admit it. But reading your post makes the feelings he must be experiencing far more understandable. Deep down he knows they are bad people and that the emotional and verbal abuse they've laid on us is not right but he wishes they would change. He's probably even realizing that they never will. He's even said as much saying that his dad seems to be worse than he as a year or more ago and that his dad probably just hates his life. My poor husband.
Thank you for shedding more light on this for me. Now I'm beginning to understand.
Somewhere , someway, somehow someone thinks YOU are not all that BJM and you seem to enjoy inflicting suffering on already suffering people asking for opinions .
.
OP isn't suffering....?
Did I miss something? Nowhere does she say she's grieving this?
Did I miss something? Nowhere does she say she's grieving this?
Bonnie - please read my previous post about airing dirty laundry. Others have read that so it makes this post more understandable. No, I'm not grieving, but there has been suffering. Just read and it will all become clear.
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