How to get better at having social skills, small talk, and being "cool"?
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as everyone said before, don't make it all about you, because nobody really cares. (pretend) to show interest in other people's lives, ask follow-up questions. and alcohol is a good social lubricant once you have a good command on how it will effect you. relate to that person and then point out the absurdities and ironies of the conventions of life by using humor. this has been my icebreaker and has been very successful. i tell people that i am naturally shy and then they laugh even harder at me. i also take intellectual & educational topics and make jokes out of them. you can indirectly share your interests or knowledge in a humorous, non-condescending way without making the other person think they are in school. and watching stand-up comedy helps. you can also get out there and do things you haven't done before. create a bucket list and do it. share those experiences when the time is right and then get ideas from other people on what to try next.
you don't need to take any idiotic, self-help classes, or get help for your "autism", which probably doesn't even exist. i love how people assume that someone with sub-par social skills must have some sort of mental disorder. those people may seem all smooth and suave, but behind closed doors, they are beating their wives, doing hard drugs, and cutting people off on highways without using their turn signals.
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Originally Posted by s1alker
It's one of those things that you either have or don't. I used to want to be more socially popular, and then I remembered how artificial and toxic most human relationships are.
couldn't agree more, but it can be learned. i avoid most people still, but i can get along with most people because i am down to earth and can make them laugh. and then at the end of the day, i can go off on my own and do my own thing. its a form of showmanship that i learned from that episode of seinfeld.
Yes, I like it when someone is interested in what I have to say. And I understand and agree with the points you made here. But, my earlier comments about us having to 'play pretend' in many situations applies, I think, to most people, at least some of the time. And if that is true, then it means that a lot of our social interactions are superficial and somewhat phony, which is ok, because that superficiality is expected. But it just strikes me as being odd how we, when you really think about it, how we play pretend as adults far more often than we ever did as kids. All the personas that we manufacture and wear in various social situations, partly because we have to assume different roles, and partly because we all want to perform well socially and be accepted by the general masses. We are all prolific actors. So how do we know when a person is genuinely interested in us and in what we have to say? How often are you genuinely interested? How often are you just feigning interest out of politeness?
I admit I spent too much time studying social psychology, so forgive me for delving a little deeply into the dynamics governing our social interactions. But it has always fascinated me, how we are all basically social chameleons, adjusting and adapting our approach independent of our true thoughts and feelings.
Imagine a world where no one pretended any interest in you at all, ever. Imagine a world where you refused to feign interest, and missed out on knowing a fascinating character because you couldn't imagine being interested in him or her.
Imagine a world where people who were having a really hard time at some point in their lives, had to literally go it alone emotionally.
Being an adult involves adulting in all its forms, including social interactions. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our own comfort for the good of someone else, because we understand that it the right thing to do. And we would want the same for ourselves if the shoe was on the other foot.
Eventually, I have found that listening and commiserating with and rooting for someone helps me in my humanity.
One of the first important keys to success is being good at remembering names. I have a notepad app on my phone to jot down the date, person's name, and what they do/one interest we talked about. For example, you and your coworkers are going out after work for drinks across the street. Your coworker Todd informs his buddy John who you have a five minute conversation where he mentions he's been working at Fidelity for a year in the human resources department. He also rents in the Boston neighborhood of Southie. I would translate this in the notepad to ie: John- Fidelity HR, Southie.
This small exercise has benefits as addressing John in the second encounter will have a much powerful effect than "Hey I think I met you before, what's your name again?" You can also ask how the job's going, how's the apartment etc and just expand from there. You also have an extra conversation topic with your coworker Todd "Hey do you still see John? What's he up to?" Just being good at remembering people and the small associations is very powerful as you move on.
The second key to success is to take interest in what the other person is saying rather than talking about yourself. A good rule of thumb is to keep it 70/30. Keep 70 % of the conversation focused on them, 30 % to talk about yourself and any unexpected observations in your surroundings. (People shouldn't make it all about themselves but don't make it an interview. I have a friend who is very conscious of this and he's constantly asking questions where sometimes it doesn't seem genuine.)
The third key to success is to sort of be aware of latest current events, latest fads etc. I'd be aware of any talk around politics though, especially if you're very passionate about one side.
The last step is to adapt your mindset so all of these steps kind of flow naturally. That way your encounters will be fun and genuine instead of something scripted.
Imagine a world where no one pretended any interest in you at all, ever. Imagine a world where you refused to feign interest, and missed out on knowing a fascinating character because you couldn't imagine being interested in him or her.
Imagine a world where people who were having a really hard time at some point in their lives, had to literally go it alone emotionally.
Being an adult involves adulting in all its forms, including social interactions. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our own comfort for the good of someone else, because we understand that it the right thing to do. And we would want the same for ourselves if the shoe was on the other foot.
Eventually, I have found that listening and commiserating with and rooting for someone helps me in my humanity.
You don't always have to pretend to be interested in the subject a person is talking about. You can guide (or attempt to guide) the conversation into other subjects to search for a subject you and the other person or most of the people there have interest in. Or, if you're letting the other person do the talking, you can give clues that you're not interested in the topic. For example, say you don't follow the subject they're talking about or you don't know anything about it can help a person understand the subject isn't an interesting one to you.
I don't really have good social skills and I want to improve. I've always been pretty shy and I'm not very good at having conversations with random people. I've done it before and I have no problem with talking to people, but I seem to say the wrong things or unintentionally be awkward. My older brother for example is the complete opposite. He's more of an extrovert while I'm more introverted. I've seen him have conversations with other people before and he made it look easy, whereas when I have conversations with random people, it seems to be brief.
I understand you. I'm the same way. There's no quick fix or magical trick to make you become an extrovert overnight. This will take time. You have to gradually put yourself out there. Start with situations that you are most comfortable with. Then once you are feeling comfortable with the situation, gradually move up to bigger social situations like going to a party or concert. Remember to take your time. You can't rush things like this. Like me, overtime, you will start to notice changes happening. You will suddenly see yourself as more talkative and more willing to engage with other people that you wouldn't have otherwise bothered with.
Ask people something about themselves, or ask their opinion on something. Then follow that up with another question centered around them. "Oh, so you think/feel that that was.....?"
People love to talk about themselves, their opinions & their feelings, there are techniques you can learn to facilitate this & use as a learned skill like basketweaving or programming. You just have to start somewhere & keep at it to be good & it becomes second nature after a while, very good for business in your future.
The Dale Carnegie book suggestion is seconded as well, it gives a blueprint for interacting with others in a non-manipulative way.
OP, I've read some of your posts on other threads.
You're articulate, thoughtful, and seem like an all around good person.
Meaning this from the heart: you're giving bullies from your past - power.
Don't give Them any power as far as how you see yourself.
They're out of your life now.
Have confidence in yourself.
Its well deserved.
You are great just the way you are.
I know being confident can be easier said than done.
Take baby steps.
Fake it in the beginning if you have to.
Make a goal to at least give eye contact and say hi to everyone you walk past every day doing mundane things...
It's a start.
Thanks for responding, I didn't even see that this thread got revived until now. Thanks for the advice and I'm trying to be more confident. I'm way better at making eye contact than I was before but I'm still pretty awkward.
I don't really have good social skills and I want to improve. I've always been pretty shy and I'm not very good at having conversations with random people. I've done it before and I have no problem with talking to people, but I seem to say the wrong things or unintentionally be awkward. My older brother for example is the complete opposite. He's more of an extrovert while I'm more introverted. I've seen him have conversations with other people before and he made it look easy, whereas when I have conversations with random people, it seems to be brief.
This is a learned skill just like being able to give a speech or presentation. The more of them you do, the easier they become and before you know it, you will actually be bored at parties because you can't find enough "cool" people to talk with and you'll leave.
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