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Old 02-27-2016, 04:06 AM
 
6 posts, read 7,776 times
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Hi, I understand that no one can predict the outcome; however, I would still like some sound advice.

I grew up with my mother, never met my dad. To make a long story short, after years of searching, I finally found him on a social site.

First I was overjoyed and cried my eyes out that I finally was able to see my other half, but after doing a background check on him, I am left even more emotional and confused.

Let's just say he's committed quite a bit of criminal activities such as robberies... the last it shows was a little over 10 years ago. I know everyone has a past, but being the last was done when he was in his 40's, not 20's, it makes me wonder if he's still a bad buy *****.

As you can imagine, EVERYONE wants a relationship with both parents. You can only imagine how I felt without him in my life. However, I am now wondering what to do?

1. Do I risk meeting him and he may rob me or do something cruel to me? (Even though he has a past, he seems to love and treat his nieces, nephews, other family and friends great from reading their posts.)

2. Do I just move along with an emptiness that will never be filled?

MEN, how would you feel if your daughter showed up almost 30 years later? Could you still love and accept her or would you just consider her some random stranger?

Growing up, I thought it was too late to love him and bond with him, but from my point of view after seeing him, I KNOW I love him and still need him in my life. #lost,confused,hurting

BTW, I haven't told my mother yet....

Thanks for at least listening and hopefully providing sound advice.
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Old 02-27-2016, 04:27 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,373 posts, read 24,346,804 times
Reputation: 17376
Does he know you know?

Your life is already full. I agree that you might be opening a can of worms by meeting him.

However, if you choose to meet him, take a friend and maintain strong boundaries. Don't tell him where you live, etc. Don't give him money, etc.
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Old 02-27-2016, 04:51 AM
 
6 posts, read 7,776 times
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No, he doesn't know yet. Thank You for the advice!
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Old 02-27-2016, 05:01 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,961 posts, read 17,253,583 times
Reputation: 30254
I'm sure everything will be just fine after you meet him.
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Old 02-27-2016, 05:03 AM
 
Location: NNJ
15,036 posts, read 10,005,989 times
Reputation: 17174
This may sound harsh....

If you do meet him, don't get too emotionally invested and treat the meeting as if you were meeting a complete stranger. Make no assumptions. Keep your expectations in check... be realistic. Don't act like he is a relative or family.

I have a lot of single mothers in my circle of friends with very similar stories; abandoned, drugs, criminals. I have seen the end result. I have so little respect for men who abandon their children. I would even go as to say that the love you feel for him has less to do with him as an individual and more with yearning to fill a void that has been missing in your life. Totally understandable.. but be prepared for dissappointement.
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Old 02-27-2016, 05:18 AM
 
6 posts, read 7,776 times
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Thanks so much! I am trying my best to check my feelings, because even though I've saw cases of daughter/father meeting for the first time that were successful, there is still a part of me that realizes he may be the opposite--want nothing to do with me. That would hurt more than I was all the years I never knew him.

Yes, you are right about the love I have for him. They say, out of sight, out of mind. For me, it was out of sight, not out of mind, but I always just wanted to see how he looked. I felt that would truly be enough. Then after finally seeing him, I cried my eyes out as these words came out my mouth, "I still love you daddy."

It feels so weird and unfair seeing the relationship and love he has for his nieces, nephews, etc. while I'm left feeling like an unwanted stranger.

Right now I'm an emotional wreck. I understand it will take a while for me to heal, but I'm willing to accept it for what it is. Thanks a lot for the advice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit View Post
This may sound harsh....

If you do meet him, don't get too emotionally invested and treat the meeting as if you were meeting a complete stranger. Make no assumptions. Keep your expectations in check... be realistic. Don't act like he is a relative or family.

I have a lot of single mothers in my circle of friends with very similar stories; abandoned, drugs, criminals. I have seen the end result. I have so little respect for men who abandon their children. I would even go as to say that the love you feel for him has less to do with him as an individual and more with yearning to fill a void that has been missing in your life. Totally understandable.. but be prepared for dissappointement.
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Old 02-27-2016, 05:29 AM
 
Location: NNJ
15,036 posts, read 10,005,989 times
Reputation: 17174
also...

Being an emotional wreck is an absolutely understandable state. I cannot speak from a child's viewpoint but I certainly can being a father and involved with the lives of single-mothers just like you mother. I know you have not mentioned it to your mother but please do so very carefully. It is emotional for you but it can be even more upsetting to your mother.

At least in my friends cases, they went through unimaginable sacrifices to raise their children on their own against odds. There is always in the back of their mind that only if they had children with a better man that their lives and the lives of their children would be far better off. So there is A LOT of emotional baggage there that you might not have a full understanding of; some of it repressed anger at themselves as well as the men that abandoned them. Whenever they talk to me about the missing father/husbands, I can feel the tension in their voices. Their children only know half the story... after the father left. For the mother, the history goes farther back.... not only is it a missing father but also a husband/failed relationship/rejection.

Again... sorry.. this may sound harsh but from my view after this long of a period of time, it is often better that the children find a new figure in their life to fill the void rather than search for the person that should have been there years ago.
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Old 02-27-2016, 05:37 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
8,590 posts, read 12,253,158 times
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First, it's time for a talk with your mother. Ask if he knew about you; if there was ever any attempt to be in your life; if he ever provided any financial support for you; and why she/he did not raise you together.

Over the years I'm sure she's told you various things about your biological father. Make sure you confirm and understand those things. BTW--I specifically used the word biological because that is all he is to you--a piece of your DNA. He's not a father in any sense of the real meaning.

Sorry if that sounds brutal. It's the reality of the situation.

Reality is sometimes not fair and harsh. Until you can meet him without any expectations of a relationship and without being further hurt, do not attempt to contact him. When, and if, you do meet him go in knowing it maybe a successful meeting and may not be.

Why would you want to make yourself hurt further for a stranger? I know people change, but a man such as you describe isn't worthy of any kind of relationship with you. His abandonment of you was never about you. It was always about his selfishness and his flaws. You will be fine without him.

I'm very familiar with a child wanting to meet a father. My own father's father disappeared for 30 plus years and suddenly showed up when my dad was in his 40's. Another, very good man, really raised my dad. While my father was willing to accept the biological dad back into our lives, it was never the same relationship that he had with the man that raised him.

That man had the privilege of being called "Grandpa" by myself, my siblings and my cousins. The biological grandfather never earned our love.

Sometimes when a person does something horrible to us, such as your father did to you, they need to earn our love. It's not the other way around.

Last edited by rrah; 02-27-2016 at 05:54 AM..
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Old 02-27-2016, 06:03 AM
 
6 posts, read 7,776 times
Reputation: 15
I truly appreciate each and every one of you for taking out the time to give me sound advice!

Yes, I know my mother didn't like the fact she raised me by herself. I am a reminder of a mistake she made. We have a bittersweet relationship...

The few times I brought my dad up to her when younger, she would get upset. One time she even said something to the sorts of, "Hell, if you want to meet him then go find him!"

I was only around 14 when she said that, so I know there's things she isn't telling me.

I feel every child deserves to know both parents or at the very least, the active parent should open up and reveal things so the child can move along better. If you understand what I mean. Let's say she was rap*d, he was married, etc. revealing such would make it easier to not care to even want to meet him.

Then I see cases where the mother refused to allow the dad in the child's life as payback. I don't know what their situation was.

In their case, I think they had a short lived relationship. She said he stayed in the neighborhood and never intended getting pregnant by him. She was 29 and he was around 25... so the age difference probably played a big part in them not working out. She also has told me she used to wonder if he slept with one of her sisters. (which could also be a factor in them splitting.)

Other than that, the only thing she told me was his full name, how he looked, his hometown, he had a few siblings she met, the job he had at the time and when she on her way to work one day, a little after giving birth to me, he asked her if she had me yet. I think she said she angrily told him "YEAH" then kept walking or she ignored him. She's not the child support type as another aunt of mines isn't. She said she never filed, she just wanted it over with. These are the only things I know about him. It's all I could get out of her.

Last edited by DaddylessBrittany; 02-27-2016 at 06:11 AM..
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Old 02-27-2016, 06:17 AM
 
6 posts, read 7,776 times
Reputation: 15
It seems these men who abandon their kids usually make better grandparents.

A male who attends my mother church abandoned his son, because he was on drugs most his life. He got himself clean when he was in his 50's. Met his son who was 20-something. His son was a bit harsh towards him, but he stayed around trying to give his son advice not to do illegal things which he was doing. His son and the baby mother ended up getting caught up by the system.

Now, the man who had abandoned his son for drugs, etc. plays an active role in his grand kids lives. He loves them dearly. They were placed in custody of the female mother, but the granddad gives her money monthly to help care for them and visits often.

Sorry to hear about the case of what your dad went through, but it's nice knowing he had another great man in his life!


Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
First, it's time for a talk with your mother. Ask if he knew about you; if there was ever any attempt to be in your life; if he ever provided any financial support for you; and why she/he did not raise you together.

Over the years I'm sure she's told you various things about your biological father. Make sure you confirm and understand those things. BTW--I specifically used the word biological because that is all he is to you--a piece of your DNA. He's not a father in any sense of the real meaning.

Sorry if that sounds brutal. It's the reality of the situation.

Reality is sometimes not fair and harsh. Until you can meet him without any expectations of a relationship and without being further hurt, do not attempt to contact him. When, and if, you do meet him go in knowing it maybe a successful meeting and may not be.

Why would you want to make yourself hurt further for a stranger? I know people change, but a man such as you describe isn't worthy of any kind of relationship with you. His abandonment of you was never about you. It was always about his selfishness and his flaws. You will be fine without him.

I'm very familiar with a child wanting to meet a father. My own father's father disappeared for 30 plus years and suddenly showed up when my dad was in his 40's. Another, very good man, really raised my dad. While my father was willing to accept the biological dad back into our lives, it was never the same relationship that he had with the man that raised him.

That man had the privilege of being called "Grandpa" by myself, my siblings and my cousins. The biological grandfather never earned our love.

Sometimes when a person does something horrible to us, such as your father did to you, they need to earn our love. It's not the other way around.
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