Grieving an ex. (boyfriend, person, member, present)

[LovelyChris71]

I think of my ex boyfriend who passed around 2010 when he got sick and went into a coma. Recently I posted about emotionally cheating here. I feel I am soul-searching for a man who is no longer on this earth. I resent seeing women with men that are similar to my late Rondy. Rondy and I had a lot of drama. The relationship died before it began. I had an emotional affair recently and had been invited to do more with a man who told me how his ex was driving him nuts before he moved out away from her and dumped her. Last week he was running to her and it was a horrible day when I had no choice but to see the player do this and ignore me.

I chose this player because he had similar characteristics to my ex who passed. Both are/were every good looking dark men who have a spiritual side, smile a lot, are social, and popular with women. My boyfriend now is nothing like Rondy and sometimes this angers me too. The day before Valentine's I dreamed of my ex and I rarely dream of him. The dream was clear and pleasant because Rondy was smiling and seemed happy like he often was in life. I was working on moving back to the area I live in now and looking for an apartment for Rondy and I to share. Than our future together evaporated when he went to into a coma and passed.

Our drama was at it's worst peak before Valentine's around 2010. I sensed my boyfriend was going to pass because he seemed to be floating away from me. Either people around us tried to separate us or Rondy was not around for me like I wanted him to be on earth. Than I saw a crack pipe on his bed either or his friend quickly removed when I turned around a bit. Rondy shrieked at me and slammed the phone when asked about it later. Rondy always said he hated all illegal drugs. I am trying to get a therapist. I wrote a memoir about this that is on Amazon.com called The Wind in the Trees. I am resentful my relationship with this guy was cut short. Every time I get close to people they move or pass away. I am afraid to get close to people. This is is a very sad situation indeed.

[20cordy16]

Seems you are putting to much stock in looks, and not what comes from the heart and mind, a common problem for men. It creates shallow relationships.

I would recommend you look inside yourself and see what you like about yourself and what you don't like about yourself. Make a list of both & pin it to the fridge door where you can see it, and work on ways to end the negative list from yourself.

You need to be able to love yourself and feel good about yourself before you look for a steady relationship in your life. Don't be afraid to ask dates the following day for what they saw positive and negative about you. Doesn't mean they are right, but it gives you feed back, something to evaluate. If you keep getting the same negative from other dates, pretty sure it's a hot button item to work on.

Never bring up your past to a new date, they have baggage of their own and don't need yours. Only operate off your positive list of accomplishments to share. Instead of making looks #1, make that #2. Go to places that you enjoy to find new friends. ie. sailing, golf, skiing, climbing, even foods & drinks. A bar is full of people with baggage, so have fun, but look elsewhere. Look for compatibility first. Don't get stuck with a football addict if you hate football.

Getting out, meeting more friends will help you. Jogging is a good way to meet healthy people, or go to the gym. Wish you well.

[JanND]

You have unresolved issues because this toxic relationship ended in his death...you need closure.
These links may help you figure out how to do that.

You'll have to heal yourself before you'll change your negativity which keeps attracting you to the wrong people. Til then, you're a magnet for the same type toxic people.

There are tons of links online re;toxic relationships and grief and loss, hope these get you started.

How survivors deal with the death of a toxic person - CNN.com
Grieving the Difficult Relationship | Hello Grief
When Someone You Love is Toxic: How to Let Go of Toxic People, Without Guilt - Hey Sigmund - Karen Young
Letting Go of Toxic Relationships & Rediscovering Yourself

[Stagemomma]

I don't think you're grieving for Rondy. I think you're grieving for an idealized version of Rondy. You're just substituting Rondy to represent what you do want in a relationship and you have no idea how to find it. Your relationship with Rondy was't good, and you broke up before he died. If he had lived, do you think you would have gotten back together? With a crack addict???? Your relationship wasn't cut short by his death, it was ended because it was not a good relationship.

Make two lists. on Rondy's list, put his characteristics, good and bad. On the second list, write the characteristics of your ideal man. Then, actively work to meet men like that.

And get some counseling. Please!

[phonelady61]

You know dr phil had an excellent show on this subject and one of his suggestions I actually did take it to heart and did it . I went to this persons grave and told them how angry I was that they did what they did and people were looking and staring at me like they would burn a hole through me LOL . I don't care I got my closure and I felt 100 times better . Remember you forgive people for you not for them and then you let it go .

[silibran]

Originally Posted by LovelyChris71

I think of my ex boyfriend who passed around 2010 when he got sick and went into a coma. Recently I posted about emotionally cheating here. I feel I am soul-searching for a man who is no longer on this earth. I resent seeing women with men that are similar to my late Rondy. Rondy and I had a lot of drama. The relationship died before it began. I had an emotional affair recently and had been invited to do more with a man who told me how his ex was driving him nuts before he moved out away from her and dumped her. Last week he was running to her and it was a horrible day when I had no choice but to see the player do this and ignore me.

I chose this player because he had similar characteristics to my ex who passed. Both are/were every good looking dark men who have a spiritual side, smile a lot, are social, and popular with women. My boyfriend now is nothing like Rondy and sometimes this angers me too. The day before Valentine's I dreamed of my ex and I rarely dream of him. The dream was clear and pleasant because Rondy was smiling and seemed happy like he often was in life. I was working on moving back to the area I live in now and looking for an apartment for Rondy and I to share. Than our future together evaporated when he went to into a coma and passed.

Our drama was at it's worst peak before Valentine's around 2010. I sensed my boyfriend was going to pass because he seemed to be floating away from me. Either people around us tried to separate us or Rondy was not around for me like I wanted him to be on earth. Than I saw a crack pipe on his bed either or his friend quickly removed when I turned around a bit. Rondy shrieked at me and slammed the phone when asked about it later. Rondy always said he hated all illegal drugs. I am trying to get a therapist. I wrote a memoir about this that is on Amazon.com called The Wind in the Trees. I am resentful my relationship with this guy was cut short. Every time I get close to people they move or pass away. I am afraid to get close to people. This is is a very sad situation indeed.

You know, I think you would benefit from talking these things over with a counselor or therapist.