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My brother and his wife have close b-days and so I usually just give them both a card on my brother's b-day.
My mom said my brother was annoyed that no one called his wife personally to wish her a happy birthday.
Is this a real thing? Is it normal for adults to be this sensitive about b-days? I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior. I don't have a problem wishing her happy birthday but it seems a tad childish for people to critique how I do it and specifying how to do it.
And I don't like being locked into a certain behavior I HAVE to perform every year flawlessly and without fail just because he married someone or I'm scolded.
It seems to me my performance is being given way too much importance to the degree that my actual involvement in this relationship deserves.
Of all the issues in the world, this is not one that I would throw myself on my sword over. Be kind to your brother and SIL and throw a reminder in the calendar.
First, unclench and breathe. Your mom told you your brother is offended on behalf of his wife. Don't wander into "perform flawlessly or be scolded" territory just yet. Your brother didn't even say anything to you. Personally, I commend the guy for looking out for his wife (maybe help her feel like a member of the family, not just his appendage) AND you for sending cards to anybody. My husband never sends cards ever. It's his stepmother's birthday today and I know it will up to me to prod him into calling her. My dad doesn't do cards, and I can probably count the actual times I have seen my grandfather write ANYTHING other than a crossword or shopping list on ONE HAND. Good job, dude. Both of you.
If your mom says anything again, remind her that "nobody called Janet to wish her happy birthday" includes HER. Why did your mom not call her either?
Meanwhile, she remembers my birthday like a month after it happens, LOL. Even after 14 years of it. I don't give a fart. I'm a grownup. My husband and kids remember and get me a few little gifts and a cake and that's the extent of what I really "need" for birthdays (actually, could do without the presents and the cake but that would devastate my kids).
I think it's silly for an adult to "require" exact things on his/her birthday. You're not 10. You don't need a cake, balloons and a Puffy the Poodle sing-a-gram on your birthday. You're another year older, huzzah, now move on.
As for this situation, tell your brother that if his wife is upset, SHE, as a grownup, can tell you, and if she does, say cheerily, "Happy birthday!" and then fall silent. If she starts whining about it, remind her that you did give her a card. You DID NOT forget her birthday; you remember every year. Then see what she has to say. If she continues to whine, stay cheerful and say "Hope you had a great birthday!" Repeat polite cheery platitudes until she realizes she's acting like a toddler and hangs up.
I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior.
What is it with the posts lately where people say they think others are trying to control them just because they are asked to do something? Seriously, you are asked to be thoughtful and considerate of a family member and you read that someone using it as an excuse to 'control' you?
Here's a hint, it's not about you, it's about her not being made to feel like an afterthought.
My brother and his wife have close b-days and so I usually just give them both a card on my brother's b-day.
My mom said my brother was annoyed that no one called his wife personally to wish her a happy birthday.
Is this a real thing? Is it normal for adults to be this sensitive about b-days? I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior. I don't have a problem wishing her happy birthday but it seems a tad childish for people to critique how I do it and specifying how to do it.
And I don't like being locked into a certain behavior I HAVE to perform every year flawlessly and without fail just because he married someone or I'm scolded.
It seems to me my performance is being given way too much importance to the degree that my actual involvement in this relationship deserves.
Am I being unfair?
I think it is pretty lazy of you to not call.
And then the bolded is just ... I don't know .... a lot of drama. Perform? Control behavior? Really? Over a call that should be common courtesy if you get along?
My brother and his wife have close b-days and so I usually just give them both a card on my brother's b-day.
My mom said my brother was annoyed that no one called his wife personally to wish her a happy birthday.
Is this a real thing? Is it normal for adults to be this sensitive about b-days? I feel like they are being petty and just using it as an excuse to control my behavior. I don't have a problem wishing her happy birthday but it seems a tad childish for people to critique how I do it and specifying how to do it.
And I don't like being locked into a certain behavior I HAVE to perform every year flawlessly and without fail just because he married someone or I'm scolded.
It seems to me my performance is being given way too much importance to the degree that my actual involvement in this relationship deserves.
Am I being unfair?
Define "no one" ... No one of the family? No one = you and your husband?
If everybody calls your husband and sends cards and on your bday the phone stays silent, you would wonder, too. Maybe you are not mad, but a little sad.
And your dear husband would ask the family why you are not getting any bday wishes, because that's what a good husband would do.
My niece and my BIL have their bdays 2 days apart. I don't talk to them often generally but I call both of them on their special day because my family expects that. And that's okay.
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