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What if you just asked for an invitation? Or invited them to your house?
This is good advice.
And after taking that initiative, let it go if you do not get the response you want.
It is understanding that OP wants a closer relationship with her brother, but the truth is that brother & SIL may never do what she wants, and their actions are really their choice.
Get on meetup.com and build yourself a life worth living. It will take time, but it can be done. I, for one, would love to have guests on the holidays.
Well I think she is just an incredibly SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE person, and the " only child who moved a lot" excuse is a bunch of C__P. Even only children who are spoiled usually grow up and become considerate of others. I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything being amiss with you.
You have tried your best, but it's a loosing battle. Try not to let her horrid actions hurt you any more if you can. Be as immune to it as you possibly can and give her no power over your emotions.
It's good that you're making plans of your own! There are many, many people who find themselves rather or completely alone in retirement. If you can find an area where there is a lot of retired people, you'll be able to make connections. An active 55+ community with a lot of activities might be helpful. They exist in all price ranges and all over the country. GOOD LUCK!!!
Almost 60 now, and I know she'll never change. But why be nice to me to my face (I engage her first whenever I run into her on the street; as I say, we live only blocks away) and then let me sit home alone and lonely on family holidays? I also know that my brother, hating conflict, will never change it.
I guess I wonder how to NOT feel hurt about this or let it affect my self-esteem every single holiday.
That stinks. It is clearly some kind of control issue with your sil, and not at all about you. She seems very controlling. Feeding the kids before coming to a holiday dinner? That is beyond rude.
IMHO maintain a relationship with your brother and forget about his wife. Ask him out for a beer the night before the holiday, or to watch the game (or whatever) the weekend before. Cultivate a meaningful relationship with him that does not require he mess up his wife's expectations for the holidays. Maybe he'll come around and convince her to change her views, maybe not. but at least you'll have a better family connection with HIM.
I don't believe everything I see on FB but, unless the heads have been photo-shopped in, MOST people I know got together that day with whatever family they have and commemorated the occasion with photos. Granted, I live in a very family-centric little town... I am definitely still mourning the loss of my mother as well as the loss of my former life. I DID have a life! I know how to do it; can do it again.
Period of adjustment, and just feeling a little vulnerable, I guess.
I have at times regretted attending the wedding -- and especially giving such a nice gift -- and it's even felt somewhat disloyal to my mother, but she would've done it (she forgave endlessly, obviously). Plus, I took it as an invitation primarily from my niece and hoped it meant a new beginning with new family members. She wasn't the offender here. Clearly, I was wrong, but at least I was willing to try.
My mother WAS a saint! Especially compared to me. But, if I were married, I would certainly give "equal time" to the other set of grandparents; not engrandize mine to the exclusion of the other set. After all, all four are part of the children.
Am I little snarky about all this after nearly 30 years of it? Yes. Is that the cause of the problem? No.
Thanks for all the positive advice! I'm now POSITIVE I want nothing to do with her.
Last edited by otterhere; 03-31-2016 at 09:37 AM..
OP, all I can say is that this kind of stuff is yet another reason I have chosen to stay off Facebook, but I fully admit that I may be the only person in America other than my ninety-eight-year-old grandfather without an account.
I hope you don't waste your precious time regretting having attended the wedding or anything else decent that you've done. Just try to let it all go and don't let your mind mull over it. Refuse to give that mean selfish SIL the pleasure of (or power to) affect your life. Retirement can be the best part of your life, so get rid of the baggage and grab all the good stuff you can from now on.
Am sick of being ostracized for no reason and treated unjustly like a second-class citizen. "Shunning" is generally reserved for the worst of crimes, after all, and for good reason: it hurts. What would you do?
I would move on and do things that make me happy.
No reason, you said. There is always a reason. Often we don't want to see what is really there or what happened in the past.
To me, what he's said is that's he's tried to change her, and it became my way or the highway, and for the sake of his family, he caved. Sad, but it's your time now.
I had friends who had a beautiful child and lost her at 18 months from a congenital syndrome, and since they both carried the gene they made the heartbreaking decision to not have any more children (wise) and lost her around the same time -- around Easter.
At Easter, for years afterwards -- they went on a cruise, somewhere far away, away from all the bunnies and children chasing Easter Eggs, and all the reminders. Usually took three weeks.
I would suggest something like that -- lots of vacations types where you can hone skills on a favorite hobby and meet people with like minds. Bond over it.
No reason, you said. There is always a reason. Often we don't want to see what is really there or what happened in the past.
By "no reason" I meant "through no fault of my own" (although some here seem determined to fault me for this)... Of course there's always a reason for everything.
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-- and it's even felt somewhat disloyal to my mother, but she would've done it (she forgave endlessly, obviously). Plus, I took it as an invitation primarily from my niece and hoped it meant a new beginning with new family members. She wasn't the offender here. Clearly, I was wrong, but at least I was willing to try.
But, if I were married, I would certainly give "equal time" to the other set of grandparents; not engrandize mine to the exclusion of the other set. After all, all four are part of the children.
