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I'm sorry to hear this. Look into a lot of the feedback on here, see if you are doing something you shouldn't. Nothing should be forced. I know it sucks to be taken for granted, I understand your frustration. However, don't put any expectations on people when you meet them. Be yourself, give it time and see what happens.
I have noticed an odd pattern! Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap. I don't get it, I really don't.
Don't buy crap to make them your friend, or if they are or have become your friend, don't buy them crap....Friends will do so, after say 5-8 years...
I'm stuck in a rut. I give up being nice and generous to people. It seems like every time I'm more and more cordial, more and more nice, etc., people are more and more spiteful. Why is this?
When I make a new friend, I am always there for them. I listen to their complaints, hear them out, comfort them, etc., but when it comes time for me to need the teeny tiniest bit of support and comfort I am ignored. And don't even get me started on birthdays. I have noticed an odd pattern! Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap. I don't get it, I really don't.
I've tried to assess myself and see if it's something I'm doing wrong. I can't pinpoint anything wrong that I've been doing.
Making plans is 10x worse. I will make plans to go out to the mall and walk about, or grab a bite to eat -- nothing expensive or time-consuming because I respect that not all people are wealthy, nor do they have tons of time on their hands. I'll make plans and everyone will agree to them. At the last minute, the infamous last minute, these people will want a change of plans, or they'll cancel them. I get that things arise, but it's always the same. Not too long ago I made reservations at Cooper's Hawk, a lovely restaurant out here in Richmond. I got a group of my friends together. Everyone agreed to a reservation and seemed quite content with the selection. An hour or two BEFORE the reservation (bear in mind these reservations were agreed upon a week ago -- they had adequate time to change their mind), one person texted me and said that they can't go there because they "serve alcohol." This person then suggests that we go to Maggiano's. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Maggiano's is no different. It's an Italian restaurant -- there's gonna be alcohol everywhere!" Then this person's girlfriend agreed with him. It made everything awkward and uncomfortable, so the rest of us called it off.
Now, like I said, I completely understand if people have last-minute things that come up and they need to cancel. However, there is a continuous pattern with this group of friends. Something always comes up the day of or the hour of. It's like they want to make me feel guilty for making plans. Then they'll blame me if we never go out and do anything -- well, why on Earth would I after all the nonsense that occurs with them?
Because I noticed a pattern with this group, I began reaching out to new people, making new friends. These new friends are all nice until I buy them something or start treating them with the utmost care, love and respect -- it's a never ending pattern! Everyone is the same.
Am I going crazy, or are people really like this?
It seems like all people want from me anymore are gifts! I keep saying, "It'll be different with the next person," and then I realize I've been saying this about 20 people before me who all turned out to be the same.
Any advice? Thanks.
I don't get the buying gifts thing. I suspect your friends think the same thing. Past a certain age, it's generally not done. It's too much.
People like to associate with people who are somewhat inaccessible. Strange but true.
As for the dinner thing....that is par for the course. I and several others meet occasionally for dinner. All women. Some forget and don't show. Some cancel last minute. It's always that way. It's nothing personal. What we do, though, is the main person (whose idea it was to start the dinners) will send an email asking for suggestions of a place to go. She generally schedules it a month in advance. Or she might suggest a place but also ask for suggestions, and reminds people to keep in mind the travel distance of everyone. She also sets it for a particular place sometimes and asks if that's okay. If there are five who are included, probably only 3 will show up. Sometimes all 5. Once, NO ONE showed up, and she was there alone! Awful! We all felt so bad about that that we didn't not show again (I didn't just not show up; I had cancelled beforehand).
If someone can't show, don't reschedule. The rest of you should just go. If it gets cancelled, don't give up. Reschedule for another time. This is the way it goes when you try to get a group together.
--Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap.
--It seems like all people want from me anymore are gifts!
These two sentences do not go together. Your conclusion at the end of your post does not go with what you said in your first paragraph.
Other than that---change of plans/cancelations. It is an odd time we are living in now. Cell phones/texting allow people to easily change plans/drop out of plans. It can be quite frustrating.
I find impromptu get togethers work out much better. Last minute plans.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe
So, if they texted saying they didn't want to go there because of alcohol, I'd text back, "Okay, maybe next time we can go there. Sorry you can't make it tonight."
If someone flaked more than once, I would not invite them ever again.
^ I agree with that. I almost feel it is human nature to want to reaccommodate your plans to please someone, but I have found out that it still never works out and I am the one that gets frustrated and unhappy in the end.
Elusive, I don't think you're needy. I think you have better standards than most and I hear you because I wonder about some people's standards all the time. In particular, why is it that people don't consider others around them when they do or don't do something, whether at work or home? No consideration, at all, a lot of times.
I agree with fluffy, "Over time you'll find the precious few people you can depend on. Save your generosity for them." I have a few close people that I know I can count on, that never get on my nerves (always a good sign) and those are the ones I stay close to.
Birthday gifts are really not necessary. I just get my friends greeting cards and call it a day.
Cooper's Hawk is pricey. So is Maggianos but it's slightly less pricey than Cooper's Hawk.
I think you should try to pick more midpriced restaurants next time. Like the price of an Outback or Texas Roadhouse. And stop buying them all gifts. If you feel you must get them something, get a card but that's it.
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People seem to be weirded out by overly nice people. Sad, but true. Being generous can backfire. It's best not to buy other people 's friendships even with gift-giving on their birthdays unless there's a party event for that person.
I'm stuck in a rut. I give up being nice and generous to people. It seems like every time I'm more and more cordial, more and more nice, etc., people are more and more spiteful. Why is this?
When I make a new friend, I am always there for them. I listen to their complaints, hear them out, comfort them, etc., but when it comes time for me to need the teeny tiniest bit of support and comfort I am ignored. And don't even get me started on birthdays. I have noticed an odd pattern! Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap. I don't get it, I really don't.
I've tried to assess myself and see if it's something I'm doing wrong. I can't pinpoint anything wrong that I've been doing.
Making plans is 10x worse. I will make plans to go out to the mall and walk about, or grab a bite to eat -- nothing expensive or time-consuming because I respect that not all people are wealthy, nor do they have tons of time on their hands. I'll make plans and everyone will agree to them. At the last minute, the infamous last minute, these people will want a change of plans, or they'll cancel them. I get that things arise, but it's always the same. Not too long ago I made reservations at Cooper's Hawk, a lovely restaurant out here in Richmond. I got a group of my friends together. Everyone agreed to a reservation and seemed quite content with the selection. An hour or two BEFORE the reservation (bear in mind these reservations were agreed upon a week ago -- they had adequate time to change their mind), one person texted me and said that they can't go there because they "serve alcohol." This person then suggests that we go to Maggiano's. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Maggiano's is no different. It's an Italian restaurant -- there's gonna be alcohol everywhere!" Then this person's girlfriend agreed with him. It made everything awkward and uncomfortable, so the rest of us called it off.
Now, like I said, I completely understand if people have last-minute things that come up and they need to cancel. However, there is a continuous pattern with this group of friends. Something always comes up the day of or the hour of. It's like they want to make me feel guilty for making plans. Then they'll blame me if we never go out and do anything -- well, why on Earth would I after all the nonsense that occurs with them?
Because I noticed a pattern with this group, I began reaching out to new people, making new friends. These new friends are all nice until I buy them something or start treating them with the utmost care, love and respect -- it's a never ending pattern! Everyone is the same.
Am I going crazy, or are people really like this?
It seems like all people want from me anymore are gifts! I keep saying, "It'll be different with the next person," and then I realize I've been saying this about 20 people before me who all turned out to be the same.
Any advice? Thanks.
I am with you on this. A huge flaw of mine is that I am too compassionate and care too much for others who may not have my best interests in mind. I was told yesterday by one of my supervisors that I need to stop letting folks talk to me any old kind of way and start saying something back. I have posted threads on this site where folks have even remarked that I need to stop letting folks treat me any old kind of way. So if folks are saying it online and offline, then yes, I see that's something I really need to change, but like you, I am wondering how. It's easier said than done.
I'm stuck in a rut. I give up being nice and generous to people. It seems like every time I'm more and more cordial, more and more nice, etc., people are more and more spiteful. Why is this?
When I make a new friend, I am always there for them. I listen to their complaints, hear them out, comfort them, etc., but when it comes time for me to need the teeny tiniest bit of support and comfort I am ignored. And don't even get me started on birthdays. I have noticed an odd pattern! Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap. I don't get it, I really don't.
I've tried to assess myself and see if it's something I'm doing wrong. I can't pinpoint anything wrong that I've been doing.
Making plans is 10x worse. I will make plans to go out to the mall and walk about, or grab a bite to eat -- nothing expensive or time-consuming because I respect that not all people are wealthy, nor do they have tons of time on their hands. I'll make plans and everyone will agree to them. At the last minute, the infamous last minute, these people will want a change of plans, or they'll cancel them. I get that things arise, but it's always the same. Not too long ago I made reservations at Cooper's Hawk, a lovely restaurant out here in Richmond. I got a group of my friends together. Everyone agreed to a reservation and seemed quite content with the selection. An hour or two BEFORE the reservation (bear in mind these reservations were agreed upon a week ago -- they had adequate time to change their mind), one person texted me and said that they can't go there because they "serve alcohol." This person then suggests that we go to Maggiano's. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Maggiano's is no different. It's an Italian restaurant -- there's gonna be alcohol everywhere!" Then this person's girlfriend agreed with him. It made everything awkward and uncomfortable, so the rest of us called it off.
Now, like I said, I completely understand if people have last-minute things that come up and they need to cancel. However, there is a continuous pattern with this group of friends. Something always comes up the day of or the hour of. It's like they want to make me feel guilty for making plans. Then they'll blame me if we never go out and do anything -- well, why on Earth would I after all the nonsense that occurs with them?
Because I noticed a pattern with this group, I began reaching out to new people, making new friends. These new friends are all nice until I buy them something or start treating them with the utmost care, love and respect -- it's a never ending pattern! Everyone is the same.
Am I going crazy, or are people really like this?
It seems like all people want from me anymore are gifts! I keep saying, "It'll be different with the next person," and then I realize I've been saying this about 20 people before me who all turned out to be the same.
Any advice? Thanks.
Oh and by the way, for those who are saying you are needy, I don't think "needy" is the right term. Perhaps pushover may be more like it.
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