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Old 04-23-2016, 07:57 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,064,293 times
Reputation: 51118

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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheKiwi View Post
Thank you guys. A lot of good advice here.

My plan is to do the following, based on advice I've received here and from one of my neighbors:

1) Inform my neighbors who don't already know what is going on. I'll tell them I'm really not sure if this is something to worry about or not yet, but that I'm concerned and would appreciate it if they can inform me if he's on our property again or talks about me to them or does any other weird behavior that they witness.

2) Change up my routine a little so I'm not so predictable, since he seems to know my patterns. Leave for work at different times, don't walk my dog from home every morning and night (drive away and walk him elsewhere), if I go out of town on a weekend in the near future, see if a friend can give me a ride to the airport instead of me driving myself and leaving my parking space vacant all weekend (so he doesn't know I'm away from home).

3) I have a neighbor who is a psychologist who told me she wouldn't mind speaking to his parents on my behalf. I may ask her to do this for me if this continues.
While I would probably talk to the parents first (perhaps with a neighbor) those sound like great ideas.


You never mentioned his probable age. IMHO, the likelihood of him being a "potential stalker" vs. just a young, socially awkward kid increased with age. So, if he appears to be in his early 20s and living with his parents vs. in his 30s, 40s or 50s living with his parents to me that would make a difference in how I looked at the situation.


Good luck.
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Old 04-23-2016, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
18,762 posts, read 11,757,490 times
Reputation: 64149
It's hard to make the right decision when you have no idea what or who you're dealing with. You can't make an informed and intelligent decision unless you know exactly what you're dealing with.

I would start asking as many people as you can about who he is, including the parents. I would make it a friendly neighbor to neighbor conversation and ask them as many questions about their son that you can get away with.

I had two stalkers in my life. One male that I worked with. He kept asking me out and I said no. One day I saw him walking walking around where I lived. I had no idea how he found out where I lived. I invited him in my apartment and I just managed to control my rather protective Doberman Pinscher just seconds before he jumped on him and bit him. (Another boyfriend called him teeth backed by an uncontrollable brain.) We were cordial with each other at work but he never bothered me again.

The other stalker was an ex friend that was beyond nuts but extremely clever. She managed to get our phone number twice after we changed and it was unlisted. She would call the police department and make false accusations against John. She would call my job constantly and ask for me. We were fortunate enough to live far enough away that she never came over to our house. It took a couple of years to get rid of her.

My first stalker was just a harmless crush, which may be the case here. My second stalker was mentally ill. Not so much fun, but finding the right way to deal with either is important.

There can be so much information about us on line. Which can be a double edged sword.
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Old 04-23-2016, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma
6,808 posts, read 6,921,920 times
Reputation: 20954
I'm on the fence with this issue. The guy may just be interested in OP and is shy about approaching her to ask for a date. Then again, he may be a potential stalker.

I know someone who fit the description (shy and interested) but the special snowflake he was interested in actually went to the police so he would stop talking to her. Overkill in my opinion, and since it happened at work, now has a negative in his personnel file.

I would caution OP not to get the police involved until she expresses her concerns to the parents and they do not take steps to warn the adult kid that his interest is not warranted.
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Old 04-23-2016, 11:43 AM
 
Location: in my mind
5,328 posts, read 8,518,850 times
Reputation: 11112
I personally would not approach the family at all. We have no idea about the nature of their relationships with each other. The parents could have a mentally ill son and be in complete denial about it. Rather than assume the best (the parents will hear these concerns and then make their son stop), I would assume the worst and not approach them at all.

At this point, I would only rely on information from neighbors, and perhaps some google research you can do on him yourself.

I like the idea of changing your routines, and not walking your dog in the area. Its sad that you have to do that, but better to be smart than a potential victim.
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Old 04-23-2016, 12:17 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,072,306 times
Reputation: 16702
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post
You won't get a restraining order if he hasn't threatened you or attempted to harm you. Knowing information about you is not grounds for a restraining order.
It most definitely is! One doesn't need an assault (attempt to do harm) before a restraining order is issued - in fact, that's one point of an RO. Threatened? Her privacy has been invaded and that's threatening - who knows what his reasons are.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Do what you're going to do, but based on what you've said, he hasn't done repeated acts that cause you emotional distress or place you in reasonable fear, etc. He's watched you and asked neighbors about you, but hasn't done anything to you. You didn't even know what he was doing til someone told you.

I'd definitely talk to his parents before doing anything else.
Repeated acts of trespassing aren't repeated acts that obviously are causing emotional distress since she is here asking about it?? I think this behavior is clearly stalking - to the definition of the statutes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade View Post
No, you cannot get a restraining order just because you feel like it, which is what this thread amounts to. You do not know that his purpose is harassing or intimidating. You don't even know if he is special needs because you have not had the courtesy or decency to speak to his parents. You do not have reasonable fear for your safety because he has never even spoken to you or looked at you with malice.

An adult would speak to his parents about this, instead of tying up the courts and the police as a first resort.
YES, she can - but not because she feels like it, but because the behavior is actionable. It's not up to her to determine his purpose - it's behavior that is both harassing and intimidating to most reasonable women. Whether he is special needs is irrelevant as applies to the behavior and relevant only as to what action needs to be taken.

The courts and police are there for a purpose - to serve and protect. In this case, there's a young woman who is being stalked by a young man - purpose unknown. I do not agree that SHE should speak to the parents - that may only further encourage him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheKiwi View Post
Thank you guys. A lot of good advice here.

My plan is to do the following, based on advice I've received here and from one of my neighbors:

1) Inform my neighbors who don't already know what is going on. I'll tell them I'm really not sure if this is something to worry about or not yet, but that I'm concerned and would appreciate it if they can inform me if he's on our property again or talks about me to them or does any other weird behavior that they witness.

2) Change up my routine a little so I'm not so predictable, since he seems to know my patterns. Leave for work at different times, don't walk my dog from home every morning and night (drive away and walk him elsewhere), if I go out of town on a weekend in the near future, see if a friend can give me a ride to the airport instead of me driving myself and leaving my parking space vacant all weekend (so he doesn't know I'm away from home).

3) I have a neighbor who is a psychologist who told me she wouldn't mind speaking to his parents on my behalf. I may ask her to do this for me if this continues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
I'm on the fence with this issue. The guy may just be interested in OP and is shy about approaching her to ask for a date. Then again, he may be a potential stalker.

I know someone who fit the description (shy and interested) but the special snowflake he was interested in actually went to the police so he would stop talking to her. Overkill in my opinion, and since it happened at work, now has a negative in his personnel file.

I would caution OP not to get the police involved until she expresses her concerns to the parents and they do not take steps to warn the adult kid that his interest is not warranted.
I'm on the fence as well, but not for the same reasons:

As has been pointed out by others, if this young man is special needs, going to the authorities is a little overkill - AT THIS TIME.

Being that your neighbor is a psychologist, I would ask her to approach the parents on your behalf - without delay. It may be enough to stop the stalking behavior and she may well learn whether this has been an issue before.

I am, as I believe your neighbor is also, a bit concerned about this behavior. If this is a simple matter of infatuation, regardless whether he's special needs or another innocent explanation, then there may be no reason for concern on your part. However, if there's not a simple explanation, your continued awareness of your surroundings at all times (which can be exhausting) is warranted as is a filing with the PD of concern for your safety.

And I totally am in agreement with alerting all your neighbors that you are concerned. Your concerns are not unfounded.
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Old 04-23-2016, 01:22 PM
 
1,173 posts, read 2,260,125 times
Reputation: 1154
I haven't read all of the responses, but restraining orders are notoriously worthless. I could be wrong, but I think Nicole Simpson had a restraining order out on OJ.

It really is just a piece of paper.

Please read The Gift of Fear. Super easy, great read that explains how our guts are our best friends and know when something is up.

We're the children of the survivors. Our ancestors knew where the lion lived who could kill the entire village and stayed away from the threat. The people who didn't learn the lessons died off. We're the kids of the ones who lived.

Their gift to us is our gut sense that something is wrong.

Please, before you do anything: read the book. And if your gut is really screaming at you: move.

Alley
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Old 04-23-2016, 02:28 PM
 
5,048 posts, read 9,588,111 times
Reputation: 4180
Do you think he gets some info about you from checking up on you on social media?
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Old 04-23-2016, 03:02 PM
 
Location: in my mind
5,328 posts, read 8,518,850 times
Reputation: 11112
Quote:
Originally Posted by cully View Post
Do you think he gets some info about you from checking up on you on social media?
Excellent point!!!
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Old 04-23-2016, 03:08 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,134 posts, read 107,402,364 times
Reputation: 115953
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheKiwi View Post
Thank you. I feel like some of the advice I've received here is basically saying this isn't serious. It may not be a threat at all, but people are murdered every day for not taking things seriously, so I'm just trying to protect myself based on the info I've heard from people I trust.

What unnerves me is the fact that he seems to keep such a close eye on me that he knows when I'm in town and when I'm not. And that he knows the name of my dog, which he must have overheard me talking to my dog to find that out. Who knows what he's capable of (GPS tracker attached to my car, somehow getting into my building and waiting for me, etc)? I think I have enough info to be worried even if he is harmless. This behavior is just not ok with me. I was just looking for some advice as to what to do, and I think the best solution is to start by talking to the parents myself, and bringing a neighbor along maybe.
Though one's imagination can get carried away, try to keep calm. It may be a case of someone with some kind of handicap who has nothing to do all day, and you caught his interest. Of course it's disconcerting, and one should be cautious, but it could be nothing more than that. I think your idea of bringing a neighbor with you when talking to the parents is excellent, in view of the fact that it's the neighbors who have had the interaction with him with regard to you. This will also demonstrate to him, when his parents speak to him about it, that your neighbors also are not ok with his behavior.

Please let us know how it goes.
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Old 04-23-2016, 03:10 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,502,410 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alicia64 View Post
I haven't read all of the responses, but restraining orders are notoriously worthless. I could be wrong, but I think Nicole Simpson had a restraining order out on OJ.

It really is just a piece of paper.

Please read The Gift of Fear. Super easy, great read that explains how our guts are our best friends and know when something is up.

We're the children of the survivors. Our ancestors knew where the lion lived who could kill the entire village and stayed away from the threat. The people who didn't learn the lessons died off. We're the kids of the ones who lived.

Their gift to us is our gut sense that something is wrong.

Please, before you do anything: read the book. And if your gut is really screaming at you: move.

Alley
Good points, Alley.
Restraining orders arent meant to give a false sense of security to victims of abuse, threats or stalking...She needs to contact police
..like yesterday and keep records of dates and incidents. Her safety is her responsibility.. LE are not watch dogs or hand holders, as I've learned through personal experience.
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