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I'm 34 and my biological father never assumed my paternity. He had a casual relationship with my mother, who was 22 years younger than him, but he was married and already had children by the time I was born.
He was already a very successful businessman by then, quite wealthy. Whe my mother found out she was pregnant, he forced her to take some pills so she would have an abortion but it didn't work out. Apparently the experience was so horrible my mother decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. She did a wonderful job raising me, sometimes working 3 jobs at a time but I never got into trouble, was always a good student and went to university.
My mother told me the truth since my early years and I always knew who he was. The only thing that bothered and still bothers me is not having a father's name in my official documents and having to explain it everytime I need to fill on a file or something like that. People will say "oh you forgot your father's name".
It always bogged me how he knew that I existed, he knew there were times when things were very difficult financially and never even cared to help.
I'm not perfect, I also a have child who wasn't planned but there's no way I would turn my back on him once his mother decided to keep the baby. The moment I held him for the first time, abandoning him would never even cross my mind. He's now 2 years old and the joy of my life.
I decided to contact my father for the first time a week ago. He's nearing 80 and I wanted to ask him if there wasn't anything he wanted to say to me. I called his company and convinced his secretary to put me through. When he answered, I told him my name and I knew he knew who I was. He said I was not his son but if I insisted on that, he could give me a nice sum of money to keep my mouth shut. To think that he could buy me with his money disgusted me.
Sorry if this is more venting off steam than a question but I needed to write this.
Sometimes in life we're dealt a crappy hand. I'm sorry if this thing with your "father" pains you. The short answer is is that you have a wonderful gift in the form of a young child. I'd focus on being the best that you can be for him and somehow find a way to put your "sperm donor" father to rest. At 80 if he didn't grow up and become a man and accept that he had another child outside of his current wife and family then he's not a man that you want in your life.
My mom too had to work hard to support me, my dad wasn't around as much as he should have been and I'm working on trying to forgive him and not be angry. My dad is an old man now, he's upper 70's his wife died a couple of years ago and he's really reaching out to me. He was there growing up, but not as much as he should have been and part of me is just like screw him, he doesn't add any value to my life, but I don't wanna go too far off on that tangent.
I'd work on letting this go, at 34 your well on your way in life and one of those things about being a man or a person in general is to accept the things that are out of your control and learn to let stuff go.
I hope that you do well with your son and give him the things you didn't get, that's about all you can constructively do at this point.
I'm 34 and my biological father never assumed my paternity. He had a casual relationship with my mother, who was 22 years younger than him, but he was married and already had children by the time I was born.
He was already a very successful businessman by then, quite wealthy. Whe my mother found out she was pregnant, he forced her to take some pills so she would have an abortion but it didn't work out. Apparently the experience was so horrible my mother decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. She did a wonderful job raising me, sometimes working 3 jobs at a time but I never got into trouble, was always a good student and went to university.
My mother told me the truth since my early years and I always knew who he was. The only thing that bothered and still bothers me is not having a father's name in my official documents and having to explain it everytime I need to fill on a file or something like that. People will say "oh you forgot your father's name".
It always bogged me how he knew that I existed, he knew there were times when things were very difficult financially and never even cared to help.
I'm not perfect, I also a have child who wasn't planned but there's no way I would turn my back on him once his mother decided to keep the baby. The moment I held him for the first time, abandoning him would never even cross my mind. He's now 2 years old and the joy of my life.
I decided to contact my father for the first time a week ago. He's nearing 80 and I wanted to ask him if there wasn't anything he wanted to say to me. I called his company and convinced his secretary to put me through. When he answered, I told him my name and I knew he knew who I was. He said I was not his son but if I insisted on that, he could give me a nice sum of money to keep my mouth shut. To think that he could buy me with his money disgusted me.
Sorry if this is more venting off steam than a question but I needed to write this.
Your Mother has to be very proud of you. It is obvious she did a good job raising you. I feel sorry for your Father, it is his loss not having your love and respect.
He is a scumbag man, live your life to the fullest and don't bother with him. However I do think you should money from him, you are his son and that's the least you can get from him. Don't feel bad, take his money. But do not shut your mouth either.
Raise your son he best you can do, revel in the fact that you are much more a man than he ever will be.
I think you should reconsider... If you ARE his son (a DNA test will prove or disprove that), then tell him you want the money.
He got away Scott free of any responsibilities and ignored you and your mother for years. Now he's getting old. He can't take his money with him and WHY SHOULDN'T you get your fair share?
If you don't want it, give it to your mother who did a fine job of working her arse off for you, and now she deserves a fine place to live as she grows older.
1. Meet your presumed father for coffee or a drink. Say you want to meet face to face. Bring a ziploc bag.
2. Quietly put the cup or glass in the ziploc bag after he has finished drinking.
3. Take his DNA sample and one of your own to one of those private testing labs.
4. If the man is confirmed to be your father, then I think it's OK to contact your siblings, accept however much money your father wants to give you now, and also put in a claim for your share of his estate after he dies.
I already have a child. I say it in the opening post. The way I act towards my son has nothing to do with how he treated the whole situation. I'm very active in his life and I see him almost daily.
I would recommend that you give your son the gift of two parents who are married to each other and are jointly committed to raising him together, for better or worse, through thick and thin. You can't change the past (either your sperm-donor's abandonment of you or your bearing a child out of wedlock), but you can certainly change your son's future for the better.
I would recommend that you give your son the gift of two parents who are married to each other and are jointly committed to raising him together, for better or worse, through thick and thin. You can't change the past (either your sperm-donor's abandonment of you or your bearing a child out of wedlock), but you can certainly change your son's future for the better.
Only if both parents actually love each other enough to be married to one another. OP shouldn't give his son the gift of living with the guilt of knowing that his parents were locked into a miserable loveless marriage for his sake.
I would recommend that you give your son the gift of two parents who are married to each other and are jointly committed to raising him together, for better or worse, through thick and thin. You can't change the past (either your sperm-donor's abandonment of you or your bearing a child out of wedlock), but you can certainly change your son's future for the better.
Being there is the important thing. Two people can't be forced to get along, especially in matrimony, but being there for a child, consistently, no matter what, even if it "inconveniences" you, even if it's "expensive," even if you're mad at Mom or Dad, is priceless.
That's what it sounds like the OP is trying to give to his little boy. It will make a world of difference. <3
I think the OP was offended at being offered a sum of money to keep quiet. I think his refusal shows real integrity. I don't know why the OP's mom could never get child support of this old man, but I know that this is a fairly common story. He is powerful; she has no money or influence.
I don't think the OP needs to demand money at this point. I do think he needs to find a place or someone to talk about this with. I agree that he needs a way to think about this that isn't damaging to him. His rejection by his "sperm donor" father is not his fault. But of course it stings and hurts his heart.
We don't get the things we want the most, sometimes. In this case, he has a child, who he is dedicated to being a father to. That's good. I think if he pours his energy into this, it will be therapeutic.
But, OP, do find someone to talk this through with. Allowing this bad man to live in your head is toxic to you. Please find a way to deal with this that helps you.
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I say it in the opening post. The way I act towards my son has nothing to do with how he treated the whole situation. I'm very active in his life and I see him almost daily.
