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You have to create and enforce boundaries. You said you told her what you wanted to do and she said, no you were doing what she wants. That's when you push back and say no, I am looking forward to spending the morning with you but we will be leaving at 1 pm for our own immediate family celebration. And then you get up at 1 pm and leave.
yes, it's going to be awkward to start with but if you never enforce your boundaries, she will continue to expect you do what she wants. Take a stand now, while your kids a little so that when they are older and more aware, the battle is already over and it's clear that you are setting your own rules for yourself and your own family.
tell her she can come to your house on the holidays. tell her you are starting to make family traditions with your kids at your home. funny when these parents who insist on their children always coming to them, never go out of their way to come to you. invite her and see if she comes, if she doesn't that will tell you a lot. do you own thing and see if she wants to be part of it or she just wants you to be a part of her life.
One of my friends parents had a very contentious divorce when she was young, and then proceeded to try to pull her apart at holidays after she was married with the you will spend the day with ME... no... ME...
After a few years of this, she had her first child and to her and her husband, it made sense that they hold festivities at their home and invite the parents in.
Like that was going to work.
So, one day several months before the big holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas, she invited her mother to a restaurant (neutral territory) for lunch, and she took her dad. And before the fighting started, she basically said -- From now on, Husband and I will be hosting holidays at our house. You are welcome to come, but there will be peace. If you can't stay civil, you are not welcome. If it starts, you will be escorted out. You are both adults, you will act accordingly.
Well -- they were shocked. And angry. But in a month, they got it. And believe it not, they started making plans with her. And although it took a few years, they started talking to each other again. Now they are friends. Not best buddies, but they can be in the same room together and enjoy each others company.
What I took from this was you have to set the boundary. And don't waver. My friend in a lot of ways was lucky. Both her parents felt their love for her was way stronger than their animosity for each other. Both her parents also had the capacity to understand it wasn't about them.
we did something special for my mom and the kids grandmother on Saturday or some other day besides Mohters Day. That day was/is for me and my family and my mom was totally understanding!
For those who have understanding parents, kudos to you. I wish I ended up with the same parents. Well, I dont have a dad anymore so just dealing with my two moms now, but I gotta say the mom who raised me is MUCH less demanding. All she needs is a phone call. Whereas my bio mom is foxy (hope I used the term right), she says one thing but means another. She likes to show off, especially at family gatherings. To be honest, if she was a wonderful mom, and I mean the kind of mom that I would go out of my way for, and we had a rock solid, nice relationship, I wouldnt mind dedicating that day to her, or any other holiday for that matter, but too bad we just dont have it. I had that kind of relationship with my deceased dad, and every single year when holidays roll around, I regret not being able to spend it with him. There's people who you just cant get enough off, and those you dont want to face unless absolutely necessary. My mom is in between. I dont completely hate her now, I havent forgotten what she's done, I just established a civil relationship with her. I call her once a month or 2 weeks, visit on major holidays, and if she misses the kids, she visits them every few months (she lives an hour away).
Every single holiday, she hosts family gatherings with her in laws (my step in laws) and she makes it clear that she wants all her kids to be there. For what? Its to show them how fortunate she is to have all her kids gather at her house. She likes to play good ol grandma towards my kids and hand them off to strangers and be like "hey look at my grandsons, they're the apple of my eye" when in reality when the holidays are over, the next time she sees them is in 3 months.
As mentioned, we are sticking to our plan and just spending the late morning/mid afternoon there. Its so ironic how she and my sibs asks if I am doing anything special on mothers day when they anticipate for me to spend the entire day. I WILL do things my way, but I am just annoyed that she's putting me in the position to be blunt and kick her in the ass. I cant imagine doing things like this this to my kids when they become fathers/mothers, or have their own nuclear family. Seriously, back the F off. Why are parents these days so thirsty for their kids attention?
This has all been great advice. The kids are definitely a good excuse. Mother's Day is really about kids learning to show appreciation for other people's contributions - starting with Mom - so now that you have your own kids it's about them and you. My husband and I sat down after we got married and decided what we wanted to do and presented a united front to all the mothers involved. We don't even have kids but we didn't want the pressure of all the organized travel plans for EVERY SINGLE DAY OFF. We realized we wanted to spend some of them snuggled up alone eating rigatoni and catching up on the Tivo. We established lack of tradition. Invite us to whatever you're doing but maybe we'll come and maybe not. We RSVP in plenty of time so as not to effect other's plans. But we decide based on what is going on in our jobs and lives what we want to do. We also established some of our own traditions just between the two of us. The conversation I had with my mother was awkward but worth it. I essentially told her that I will ALWAYS be there for her when she NEEDS me but I may not always be there when she WANTS me because I have my own little family (hubs and cat) that want to have their own traditions and time. All in all it went well and I'm happy we broke up the expectations and demands early. Now it's a joy when we visit not a resented chore.
I've bern married going on 6 years. Our kids are 3.5 and nearly 2 years old. Prior to marriage, my mom always expected me to celebrate all the major holidays with her that includes Mothers day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Now with the kids, she wants to enforce it even more.
I want to break away from the traditions and start my own. I dont mind spending the morning as a family gathering, but expecting me to spend the entire day is kind of selfish dont you think? Mothers day is this weekend, and she called me expecting me to spend the entire day at her house because its only once a year. Husband wants to do something for me with the kids like having my 3.5 year old help him cook a meal and do some crafts. My mom wants to hog the day that should also be special to me. My kids are still small so its not a big problem now, but when they grow up does it have to be all about my mom? I told her straightforwardly and she said for me to celebrate it at night. How does everyone celebrate mothers day? Is mothers day about you, or your mom? What about thanksgiving and christmas?
If you are lucky enough to have a spouse who cares about honoring and spending time together with the family on Mom's Day, I say do it. You can visit your mom the night before. Or you can attend church with her in the morning. Or you can think of some other compromise. The fact that you characterize your mom as a "hog" about holidays tells me that you want something different.
You simply tell her what you intend to do, and let the chips fall where they may. I wouldn't do this in an unkind way, but I would present your plans as if they have been made and are firm.
I don't know why you all can't combine for a picnic or outdoor do, though. That way everyone is happy.
How does your DH celebrate Mom's Day with his mom? Is there a pattern you can follow for this?
For those who have understanding parents, kudos to you. I wish I ended up with the same parents. Well, I dont have a dad anymore so just dealing with my two moms now, but I gotta say the mom who raised me is MUCH less demanding. All she needs is a phone call. Whereas my bio mom is foxy (hope I used the term right), she says one thing but means another. She likes to show off, especially at family gatherings. To be honest, if she was a wonderful mom, and I mean the kind of mom that I would go out of my way for, and we had a rock solid, nice relationship, I wouldnt mind dedicating that day to her, or any other holiday for that matter, but too bad we just dont have it. I had that kind of relationship with my deceased dad, and every single year when holidays roll around, I regret not being able to spend it with him. There's people who you just cant get enough off, and those you dont want to face unless absolutely necessary. My mom is in between. I dont completely hate her now, I havent forgotten what she's done, I just established a civil relationship with her. I call her once a month or 2 weeks, visit on major holidays, and if she misses the kids, she visits them every few months (she lives an hour away).
Every single holiday, she hosts family gatherings with her in laws (my step in laws) and she makes it clear that she wants all her kids to be there. For what? Its to show them how fortunate she is to have all her kids gather at her house. She likes to play good ol grandma towards my kids and hand them off to strangers and be like "hey look at my grandsons, they're the apple of my eye" when in reality when the holidays are over, the next time she sees them is in 3 months.
As mentioned, we are sticking to our plan and just spending the late morning/mid afternoon there. Its so ironic how she and my sibs asks if I am doing anything special on mothers day when they anticipate for me to spend the entire day. I WILL do things my way, but I am just annoyed that she's putting me in the position to be blunt and kick her in the ass. I cant imagine doing things like this this to my kids when they become fathers/mothers, or have their own nuclear family. Seriously, back the F off. Why are parents these days so thirsty for their kids attention?
Sounds like you don't like her very much. Sounds like she deserves it. Sounds like what you really need to deal with is why she's able to upset you so much, what you're really mad at her about, and your feelings about who she is vs who you kinda wish she was. Sounds like she's a crappy person and it hurts and upsets you when she reminds you just how crappy. This isn't a "time" division problem at all. Sorry.
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