OP, a couple of things stuck out in two of your posts. You wrote:
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Some of the tension might come from cultural and family differences. He comes from another culture with very tight-nit, generous families. I love his parents dearly and they are EXTREMELY generous and very doting grandparents, primarily his mom. His mom spends days cooking ethnic foods and prepares platters of sweets, fruit, etc every time we visit. She brings platters of treats to every kids' birthday. In my opinion, the gift giving is excessive though - I'm appreciative but I feel like it's too much and I've told her so. They easily spend 10x the amount my parents do for birthdays, Christmas, Easter baskets, etc.
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It sounds like his background is either Italian or Greek or something similar. People with this heritage sometimes think the man is the breadwinner and the women is responsible for everything else. They rule the roost, the woman obeys. And yes, sometimes they become abusive, either emotionally or physically. Look at his parents relationship to see what his expectations might be. He's obviously putting too much on you and blaming everyone else to manipulate. He's a manipulator to get his way.
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At the time, I felt obligated to find the boarding since the family dog is my responsibility. The kids and I wanted the dog and we love her.
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This sounds like something he may have said, and you're buying into. WHY is the dog your responsibility and not a family responsibility? Did he say, "You want the dog, so you'll have to be the one to take care of it"? That's ridiculous. You have two kids, should be taking care of yourself right now, and his demands on you are unreasonable.
He's positioned himself to get away with as much as possible, while doing as little as possible, all the while judging everything your family does. It's all about him and what he wants. Meanwhile, I'm guessing his family may be overly involved, because that's part of the culture, too.
Please go for counseling alone. He's very unlikely to go with you, but that doesn't mean you can't go. He may feel very strongly that you shouldn't, but for the sake of you and your children, go anyway.
He's not a healthy individual and this will eventually impact you and your kids in a negative way. You've been submissive when it comes to you - but for the sake of your children it's important you learn to stand up to him.
By the way, I grew up with two guys like this. In the first case the woman went from happy to dour and broken. Very sad to see her now because she's just not the same person. In the second case, she finally turned around and started saying, "ENOUGH! I'm sick of your #$%@! If you don't like it - do it yourself." She did this a few times and suddenly he had great respect for her and treated her better.
I don't understand the psychology behind that, but thought it interesting enough to throw out there.
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