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Instead I get the impression that your mother is envious of you. My mother once told me that it happens often enough that parents are envious of their children's success. Isn't that terrible? I think your mother would rather believe you are going to fail. It is something that is in her that thankfully you didn't inherit. I don't think you can do anything about it, just live your life. It's too hard for people to change once they get old. Maybe your phone calls need to be every two weeks rather than once a week.
^^^^This
My mother was jealous of me and would do things to try to sabotage me. Or she would make snarky comments. For example, when I was a kid, she once told me that I was going to get fired from every job I would have because I was slow and lazy. That never did happen to me at all. If I had something good happen, she would find a way to kill the moment either by turning the attention back to her or putting me down.
Yes, it is terrible to be like that. When I became a mother, I wanted my daughter to do well in life---and I was happy for her when she accomplished a goal.
OP---I agree. You should call your mother less and less frequently. When you call, if she starts in with the digs, just tell her that you don't want to hear it. If she persists, tell her you are ending the call.
As you say you give a call to your parents right? you talk only to your mother? How your father speaks to you? Can you may be ask him " is mom doing okay? because I feel she talk nonsense " If she lives alone then it is quiet possible she is suffering from a mental struggle or sort stress or memory loss. Don't feel bad be patient and see if it goes on and on.
If it's worrying I can understand it a little, because my mom is a worrier. It's really not the same. That was more like she would always want to steer us in the direction that was the absolute safest without possibility of failing. An example is getting the real estate license. Both my husband and I did it and had to hear over and over how this person or that person did it and didn't last. We would just waste money getting the license and the test we'd fail and have to pay to take it over and over again because so and so did. I think often worriers see trying new things as much riskier then they are. In truth if you try one thing and it doesn't work, you fail, you move on and try something else. People don't usually die of failure. What if you do fail? Big deal. Successful people sometimes fail before they succeed. Because you have to try things.
Instead I get the impression that your mother is envious of you. My mother once told me that it happens often enough that parents are envious of their children's success. Isn't that terrible? I think your mother would rather believe you are going to fail. It is something that is in her that thankfully you didn't inherit. I don't think you can do anything about it, just live your life. It's too hard for people to change once they get old. Maybe your phone calls need to be every two weeks rather than once a week.
The OP is only 31. His mother might not be all that old.
Thank you for all the advice and kind words. Glad I am not alone.
There is no qualifying involved to become a parent, so, unfortunately, a lot of people become parents that really should not have been allowed. That means some unfortunate kid somewhere gets a bad parent, and there are a lot of kids who have suffered through bad parenting. You are definitely not alone.
Quote:
..... I told her that I am thinking about going into airline dispatching. I have 15 years of experience in the aviation industry. "Oh that's risky! One move and you're done.".........went on to tell me how stressful the job is .....
Tell her you will be carrying a gun. Tell her you took her advice and forgot about the dispatch job. You've accepted a job in law enforcement and you are on your way to the police academy for training.
Let her stew on that for a week and then tell her the police job fell through and you are taking the air traffic control job instead. You'll make her happy... if you don't give her a heart attack.
My mom is a narcissist, and I KNOW she was jealous of me. She didn't want to see me succeed. She was always doing underhanded nasty things to make me feel like crap. I cut her out of my life 10 years ago, and haven't looked back.
I do think some moms are jealous of their kids and want to see them fail, so they can feel better about their own miserable lives.
My mother was jealous of me and would do things to try to sabotage me. Or she would make snarky comments. For example, when I was a kid, she once told me that I was going to get fired from every job I would have because I was slow and lazy. That never did happen to me at all. If I had something good happen, she would find a way to kill the moment either by turning the attention back to her or putting me down.
Yes, it is terrible to be like that. When I became a mother, I wanted my daughter to do well in life---and I was happy for her when she accomplished a goal.
OP---I agree. You should call your mother less and less frequently. When you call, if she starts in with the digs, just tell her that you don't want to hear it. If she persists, tell her you are ending the call.
My mom was the same. I remember she used to buy me clothing 2 sizes too small and then tell me it was to "encourage me to lose weight." Who does that? She was so very nasty. I think she truly took pleasure in watching me hurting and sad. I am a parent now myself, and cannot understand how anyone who loves their children (or any human being, really) could want to go out of their way to hurt their feelings on purpose, and then gloat and rejoice over it. Disgusting.
I have a toxic mom, too. I'm concerned that I might be doing the same thing to my teenage sons. My mother was high anxiety/fear and she instilled fear in us as well, so then you create adult children that will not take appropriate risks because "it's good enough" but I wonder if that comes from inferiority complex?
My mom was the same. I remember she used to buy me clothing 2 sizes too small and then tell me it was to "encourage me to lose weight." Who does that? She was so very nasty. I think she truly took pleasure in watching me hurting and sad. I am a parent now myself, and cannot understand how anyone who loves their children (or any human being, really) could want to go out of their way to hurt their feelings on purpose, and then gloat and rejoice over it. Disgusting.
My mom was very jealous too and she would try to humiliate us (sister and I) in front of friends and get the friends to join in laughing to prove she still had not goin' on and that our youth was nothing compared to her charms. She had hormonal issues and very large breasts and she would laugh at my "tiny taters" in front of my friends, including boys, and point and say, "Oh, look...they're ALMOST real!" There's more than that, way more, but you get the idea so...there ya go.
Between this and other things I eventually just basically never had anyone over to my house and was very isolated and alone.
Parents can indeed be jealous of their own children, whether of the same or the opposite gender - the child has no wrinkles, no aches and pains, has opportunities and entire future spread out before him or her. A healthy parent rejoices in these things for her child and recalls that period in her own life with a smile. A sick one tears down and hurts. But don't think the parent isn't hurting too. I really believe my mother was the unhappiest, most lost, trapped person on earth.
If you think she is basically unaware of her negativity maybe try a humorous approach. Head her off at the pass and start the conversation off with a light touch.
"Hi Mom, it's just my weekly check in in to let you know I'm not dead, haven't lost my job or my gf, and my dog hasn't run off. What's new with you?"
TBH it sounds like she may have been burned by someone close to her who hid bad news from her or may have been less than honest about things, thus the constant double checking.
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" If she lives alone then it is quiet possible she is suffering from a mental struggle or sort stress or memory loss. Don't feel bad be patient and see if it goes on and on.
