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Old 06-06-2016, 03:22 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,973,040 times
Reputation: 50789

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I am a grandmother, and the mother of adult children. One of my children lives about 30 min away.

I think if you are seeing your mom once a week, you are doing fine. If she gets in a jam, you would go and help her, right? I think every two weeks is fine too.

I will say that after my kids moved away from me, before we moved to where we are now, I did miss them. It may be that she misses you. Can you give her more quality time and fewer short visits? I mean, if you went to see her every other week, and spent time talking to her and finding out about her doings, would she be happier?

But in general, I'd just tell her what you posted in your OP. Constant complaints make you mad. And, if she starts in with the complaints, I think you could just leave. I think if you left every time she started to complain, she would get the message.

Yes, you do get to live your life!
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Old 06-06-2016, 03:23 PM
 
714 posts, read 742,985 times
Reputation: 1586
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
basically the title is the question... i'm 28 and live under 10 mins from my parents. i see them about once a week yet constantly get the guilt trip about how i don't care about them or see them enough.

this past weekend my mom made a comment about how me and my brothers won't visit her when she's in a nursing home. she makes comments like these a lot and they hurt my feelings and **** me off.

so i'm just wondering what a reasonable frequency is for children 25 and over to see their parents. i mean i have my own adult life going on as well so in my opinion, once a week is the perfect amount. i could do with a little bit less but i make the effort for them (which apparently is not enough).
I'm the same age as you fwiw...

When I had moved out but still lived near my parents, I saw them about twice per month. I knew many who saw their parents less than that, and a couple who saw them weekly or more often.

Now that I've moved away, I see them about every 3-4 months on average (would only be 2x/yr. if they didn't love road trips).

Once per week is fine, and much more than a lot of parents get.
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Old 06-06-2016, 04:02 PM
 
14,078 posts, read 16,542,913 times
Reputation: 17654
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
basically the title is the question... i'm 28 and live under 10 mins from my parents. i see them about once a week yet constantly get the guilt trip about how i don't care about them or see them enough.

this past weekend my mom made a comment about how me and my brothers won't visit her when she's in a nursing home. she makes comments like these a lot and they hurt my feelings and **** me off.

so i'm just wondering what a reasonable frequency is for children 25 and over to see their parents. i mean i have my own adult life going on as well so in my opinion, once a week is the perfect amount. i could do with a little bit less but i make the effort for them (which apparently is not enough).
I live about 10 minutes away from my parents also and I see my mom once a week and my dad once or twice a month since he's not always at home when I drop by. I'm fine with this and I think they are too. I do like having them close by so that technically I could see them any day of the week if I need to.
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Old 06-06-2016, 04:28 PM
 
5,401 posts, read 6,479,894 times
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Such demands. You sound like a lovely daughter. Once a week is more than enough face time.

Ask your mom to go do X with you on occasion--like go to a farmers market-- to mix it up. Or have them over for a meal.
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Old 06-06-2016, 04:39 PM
 
13,259 posts, read 8,355,383 times
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I think your mom is airing a concern. Assure her that when or if the time comes to attend to her assisted care, you'll be supportive. It was an opportunity to affirm to an adult that they do have a support system. It's a valid concern , even for those who are living a full life.

Share with her that perhaps some impromptu visits are in order, that maybe every week is to commit all. Spontaneity keeps things lively.

How blessed to have parents and ones that miss you.
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Old 06-06-2016, 05:50 PM
 
371 posts, read 1,205,517 times
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Once a week seems like plenty to me! I think all family relationships are so different. I live across the country from my parents. I visit them four times per year and they're pretty happy with that, although my mom still hasn't gotten over the fact that I moved in the first place (I wasn't really trying to get away, I had to move for a job). I'm 28 also. I live in a city with a lot of transplants and some people think it's totally crazy that I visit four times per year; they see their families maybe once a year if that. Other people that I know literally call their mothers every single day and often talk for hours, which is totally crazy to me. My college roommate was one that does this (still does, even though she's now also 28 and married) and my mom always thought it was really strange too. She even said something once like, "I love you, but I have my own life too. I don't have time to talk on the phone for hours every day!" It's all relative, I guess!
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Old 06-06-2016, 06:03 PM
 
1,511 posts, read 1,246,021 times
Reputation: 1734
Quote:
Originally Posted by harrison21 View Post
Once a week seems like plenty to me! I think all family relationships are so different. I live across the country from my parents. I visit them four times per year and they're pretty happy with that, although my mom still hasn't gotten over the fact that I moved in the first place (I wasn't really trying to get away, I had to move for a job). I'm 28 also. I live in a city with a lot of transplants and some people think it's totally crazy that I visit four times per year; they see their families maybe once a year if that. Other people that I know literally call their mothers every single day and often talk for hours, which is totally crazy to me. My college roommate was one that does this (still does, even though she's now also 28 and married) and my mom always thought it was really strange too. She even said something once like, "I love you, but I have my own life too. I don't have time to talk on the phone for hours every day!" It's all relative, I guess!
Yeah thats another thing - my mom always says how she used to call HER mom EVERYDAY. Whereas im the kind of person where i only call/talk for a purpose lol. I despise talking on the phone. So sometimes i feel like me and my mom are just two different people when it comes to this stuff. But im glad to know that im not really doing anything wrong. But geez, she would flip if i ever moved away haha
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Old 06-06-2016, 06:13 PM
 
Location: East Coast
2,932 posts, read 5,401,438 times
Reputation: 4455
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
basically the title is the question... i'm 28 and live under 10 mins from my parents. i see them about once a week yet constantly get the guilt trip about how i don't care about them or see them enough.

this past weekend my mom made a comment about how me and my brothers won't visit her when she's in a nursing home. she makes comments like these a lot and they hurt my feelings and **** me off.

so i'm just wondering what a reasonable frequency is for children 25 and over to see their parents. i mean i have my own adult life going on as well so in my opinion, once a week is the perfect amount. i could do with a little bit less but i make the effort for them (which apparently is not enough).
I have children in their early 30s, so I understand how busy life can be for a young person such as yourself. I think once a week is fine! Lots of parents would give their eyeteeth to have children who visited that often.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
i go over on sunday's for dinner too! my mom invites me. i go without my boyfriend as well. but this past sunday, along with her nursing home comment, she said the only reason she sees me is because she feeds me. i told her that i didn't look at it like that - i saw it as something to do while seeing them. i mean i could go over there and just sit there for a few hours also and visit them but why not just have dinner together? and i go over about two hours beforehand so i can visit with them. i don't just show up, eat dinner, and then leave. i make an effort to spend more time. so that's why her comments upset me. she constantly makes me feel like i don't do enough.
Oy! Your mother has no clue as to how lucky she is to see you every week. It's a perfectly normal thing for family visits to revolve around a meal. As an aside, maybe it would be nice to bring a bottle of wine, a salad, or a dessert, the next time you go over for dinner.
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Old 06-06-2016, 06:22 PM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,878,151 times
Reputation: 33164
More often than never. That's how often I see both my parents. My mom has a good excuse, since she's deceased. My dad doesn't; he's just a (living) deadbeat who doesn't care about his kid. I wish I could change things, but it's not my decision to make. You're doing wonderful with your parents, OP. Be grateful you have them and they have you.
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Old 06-06-2016, 06:54 PM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,827,733 times
Reputation: 24134
Let her know if she makes you feel bad when ever you come over, you will be less inclined to come over.
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