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My mother has always been a bit difficult but she is getting worse as she gets older. Recently, in the last couple years, I've noticed that she is turning things into a popularity contest. She constantly compares herself to her adult children with regards to the stores they shop at, the clothes that they wear, the activities that they engage in, etc, etc. She's decided that one particular child has great taste in those activities and has elevated that child, and his wife, to a high level. She's decided that my wife does not have the 'correct' taste in products, goods, and stores, and she looks down at her with disdain.
This is irritating. She raised me to spend very little money, to be simple, and to be thrifty. Now she regards being thrifty with disdain. She has decided that another sibling's wife, who spends a lot of money on name brand clothes and expensive services, is "high end" enough for her, and one she wants to model her life after, so she loves everything about her.
But then out of the next breath she complains that my wife spends too much money, and my sister in law is really thrifty and how neat that is.
She's really playing games with all of us, and I don't like that. I'm sure I'm not the only one that sees it but we don't talk among siblings about it.
Just for clarification: I wasn't popular in high school, I've lost every popularity contest that I'm part of. I have no desire to be part of a popularity contest ever again!
My mother has always been a bit difficult but she is getting worse as she gets older. Recently, in the last couple years, I've noticed that she is turning things into a popularity contest. She constantly compares herself to her adult children with regards to the stores they shop at, the clothes that they wear, the activities that they engage in, etc, etc. She's decided that one particular child has great taste in those activities and has elevated that child, and his wife, to a high level. She's decided that my wife does not have the 'correct' taste in products, goods, and stores, and she looks down at her with disdain.
This is irritating. She raised me to spend very little money, to be simple, and to be thrifty. Now she regards being thrifty with disdain. She has decided that another sibling's wife, who spends a lot of money on name brand clothes and expensive services, is "high end" enough for her, and one she wants to model her life after, so she loves everything about her.
But then out of the next breath she complains that my wife spends too much money, and my sister in law is really thrifty and how neat that is.
She's really playing games with all of us, and I don't like that.
How old is your mother? Has she ever shown signs of mental illness?
I think her behavior is something other than favoritism.
She raised me to spend very little money, to be simple, and to be thrifty. Now she regards being thrifty with disdain. She has decided that another sibling's wife, who spends a lot of money on name brand clothes and expensive services, is "high end" enough for her, and one she wants to model her life after, so she loves everything about her.
Next time she does this ^^^ just tell her THAT son can have the joy of paying for her nursing home.
i feel like i'm experiencing something somewhat similar....
my mom recently has been making my two older brothers and their fiances sound like the best people to ever grace the planet but she does not give the same praise about me and my boyfriend.
perfect example - my brother and his fiance love to cook and are big foodies, me and my boyfriend do not like to cook and honestly i could eat the same thing everyday and be happy and i rarely try new things. anyway, lately all she talks about is how great it is that they love to cook and has even made remarks to me like "we need to get you to start cooking" and i'm like wtf, cooking does not make someone a better person or mean that they have a better life!
just an example but i feel like it's somewhat similar.. so i hear you.
edited to add: thought of something else - my brothers could tell her the same exact story about what they did with their fiances over the weekend and she will say how fun and exciting it sounds, but if i said i did the same thing with my boyfriend, she'll just be like "oh" so again, making it sound like everything they do is perfect.
Relax, you're an adult now. You don't need your mother's approval. As long as you're supporting yourself and not breaking the law, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
The fact that your mother plays these immature games just proves that she has low self-esteem. By comparing siblings and pitting them against each other, she's trying to curry their favor in order to make herself feel more important. She also wants the siblings to compete with each other for being Mom's favorite. This is a tactic common among narcissists. You can play along if you want, but don't let her know you can see right through her. Remember the Wizard of Oz and how he was just a sorry little man behind the curtain?
You can't control what your mother does, but you can always control your reaction to it.
Yes, I get the feeling. My MIL is the same way and for whatever reason, gets off of pitting her kids against each together. My husband no longer engages her games, but this hasn't stopped her from trying to start something. It doesn't really seem that the other siblings are onto her about that, but there are other issues as well. My husband doesn't allow her to gossip or disparage other family members, nor does he continue the conversation if she's start to be negative about whoever/whatever.
You know you can't control your mother. But you don't have to validate or listen to whatever she has to say. Just tell her to have a nice day and disengage.
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Sounds like my mother to some extent. She raised us children to be frugal with our money. Ever since the facebook era and now obsessed with HGTV home improvement shows, outside appearances is very important to her and keeping up with the trends.
She SPOILS my brother and SIL, especially now that they have blessed my mom with what she wanted, a grandchild. Whatever they want, they get, including the grandchild.
My mom acts like the world revolves around her and that she is the only one with problems. She rarely socializes with friends unless there is a major event going on like a wedding or graduation party. She expects us to be her "friend".
Because I refuse to cater to her immaturity, we don't have a close mother-daughter bond.
I don't feel a REAL connection with my siblings or my parents. Never have.
I could have written this, only it is my father exhibiting this kind of behavior. I put up with it because he is dying of cancer, so I keep trying to spend time with him and show him I care. However, only a few minutes into a visit he will start with the one-upman-ship type comments regarding my sister or her family. Too many of the "your sister is so great", "too bad you can't be more like your sister" type comments to really feel too much closeness with my Dad.
i feel like i'm experiencing something somewhat similar....
my mom recently has been making my two older brothers and their fiances sound like the best people to ever grace the planet but she does not give the same praise about me and my boyfriend.
perfect example - my brother and his fiance love to cook and are big foodies, me and my boyfriend do not like to cook and honestly i could eat the same thing everyday and be happy and i rarely try new things. anyway, lately all she talks about is how great it is that they love to cook and has even made remarks to me like "we need to get you to start cooking" and i'm like wtf, cooking does not make someone a better person or mean that they have a better life!
just an example but i feel like it's somewhat similar.. so i hear you.
edited to add: thought of something else - my brothers could tell her the same exact story about what they did with their fiances over the weekend and she will say how fun and exciting it sounds, but if i said i did the same thing with my boyfriend, she'll just be like "oh" so again, making it sound like everything they do is perfect.
I think the cooking thing is a generational thing. My mother seems to have a bit less respect for women that don't cook. But then, she is someone that starts planning lunch as soon as shes done eating breakfast and planning dinner when lunch is done. She was always a stay at home mom and the food thing is now all that's left of her lifetime career. We love her, but she drives everyone crazy talking about food constantly. There are just older people that can't except that for some the family dynamics are different and not all women like to be in the kitchen.
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